Peggy Hill quotes from King of the Hill

Peggy

Well, obviously; babies are not as stupid as they look.

Peggy

Now maybe we can reopen the fanny pack discussion?

Hank Hill

So, are you ready to kick some Wildcat butt, Bobby?

Bobby Hill

Okay.

Peggy Hill

Nah, don't you worry, son. You just do your best.

Hank Hill

Don't listen to her, Bobby. If you wanna win, you're gonna have to do better than your best.

Bobby Hill

How do I do that?

Hank Hill

You gotta give a hundred and ten percent. That's what'll give you that winnin' edge.

Bobby Hill

But what if the Wildcats give a hundred and ten percent, too?

Hank Hill

Well, then you gotta try even harder.

Peggy Hill

How about if Bobby gave a hundred and twelve percent?

Hank Hill

Ahm ... sure, that'd work.

Bobby Hill

Or maybe a hundred and thirteen?

Hank Hill

[Annoyed] Yeah, yeah, that's even better.

Peggy Hill

No, uh, I don't know. Thirteen is a very unlucky number.

Hank Hill

Look, we're not talking about thirteen. We're talking about a hundred and thirteen, and even ... uh ... okay, give a hundred and twelve, what's the difference? Look, Bobby. Just do your best, okay?

Anthony Page

Please, Mr. Hill? Loud is not allowed.

Hank Hill

What the- "Loud is not allowed"? Now you listen to me, mister. (patriotic music starts to play as hank gets increasingly angrier) I work for a livin', and I mean real work, not writin' down gobbledegook! I provide the people of this community with propane and propane accessories. Oh, when I think of all my hard earned tax dollars goin' ta pay a bunch of little twig-boy bureaucrats like you, it just makes me wanna ... oh ... oh God ... it just ... (record scratch)

Peggy Hill

Hank?

Hank Hill

Honey, bring me my BC headache powder and a glass of water.

Peggy Hill

Alright, Hank.

Hank Hill

Now you listen here. You see that boy? (music resumes) That's my boy! And if you ever try to take him away, so help me God, I'll tear ya a new one bigger'n the Grand Canyon! Now I want you to get out of my house. You're not welcome here! I mean NOW, before I give YOU a black eye! GIT!

Hank

(Hank is lying on the bed) It's hard, Peggy. I don't wanna lose my little boy. My only son. But, oh, it's hard.

Peggy

Well, you can relax. The investigation has been off for a week, only Bobby didn't tell us.

Hank

[Yelling furiously] I'LL KILL HIM!!!!!

Peggy

Alright, calm down, honey. Now, let me explain. He didn't do it to be mean, Bobby honestly doesn't think you love him all the time.

Hank

That's crazy, 'Course I love him.

Peggy

Very good. Now, say it to Bobby.

Hank

What are you talkin' about?

Peggy

I want you to tell Bobby that your love for him is unconditional.

Hank

Well, I can't say that. I can't! You know how I was raised! What my father's like!

(shown in a flashback to Hank's youth) I got my shins blowed off by a Japanman's machine gun, so don't come cryin' to me with your problems!

Peggy

Honey, I'm begging you. For the sake of this family, you have got to do it. He's waiting for you out on the porch.

Hank

Ah, jeez. Twig-boy coming over here... (Hank goes outside and talks to Bobby) Uh, you, uh, you're my son, uh, well, you know with everything uh, that entails, uh...

Bobby

Uh-huh.

Hank

Uh, huh, you know, uh, feelings of, uh, fondness, and more, uh, heh, uh, you know what I mean, don't you, boy?

Bobby

No.

Hank

Uhh, well uh, (Hank makes a weird sound) Huh, that's a hell of a weird sound, I've never made that before. Uh, I, you, uh, family. You're not making this easy on me, boy. (sighs) Okay, I love you no matter what you do. There, phew, let's go get something to eat.

Bobby

I'm not, just a big disappointment to you?

Hank

Disappointment? No, you make me proud. I've been disappointed by just about everything else in this town, but you? Not once. Dammit, you're my boy. Heh, you know better than that. (Bobby laughing)

Anthony Page

He punched him! I, I knew it! I told them! Did-did you see that?

See what, twig-boy?

Anthony Page

(sighs) Never mind.

Peggy Hill

Now, Bobby, you may have noticed that there is a difference between a man and a woman.

Peggy

...a rather obvious difference.

Bobby

You mean the penis?

Hank

Hey there Peg-Leg!

Peggy

That was Bobby's principal. Some right-wing maniac just called the health teacher with a death threat and she quit.

Hank

Oh well. I'm sure it was just some harmless nutcase.

Hank

Hey, on the bright side, since there's no one to teach that sex-ed course, we can put all this ugliness back in the closet.

Peggy

Oh, no, Hank. They found someone. They found the Substitute Teacher of the Year.

Hank

Uh, 1995?

Peggy

[No, me, the winner of] 1996.

Hank

Hello?

(hoarse voice) You don't know who I am, but I know where you live, and if you teach that sex-ed class, so help me, I-

Hank

Dale? Is that you?

Dale

(normal voice) Oh. Hank. Uh, can I speak with Peggy?

Hank

Uh, Peggy, it's for you. It's Dale.

Peggy

Y'ello, Dale.

Dale

(hoarse voice) You don't know where I am, but I know where you live...

Peggy

Happiness. Happ-i-ness. Ha-penis. Penis. I did it! Ovaries. Uvula. Uterus. VAAAGINA!

Peggy

Hey Hank, I just said...

Hank

I heard ya! The whole neighborhood can hear you cussing!

Peggy

It's not cussing Hank, to say the name of a god-given body part.

Hank

Well it is if it's the part of a body that was meant to be concealed by an undergarment. You're dealing with organs that people just don't want to know about.

Peggy

Well, Bobby ought to know about 'em. We don't want him growing up as repressed as we did.

Hank

Sure we do. I'm drawing the line here, Peggy. My son is not gonna learn this crazy crap! It says right here that he can't take the class without permission from both his parents!

Peggy

Now, just hold on. Are you saying I'm not good enough to teach my own son?!

Hank

If you do not approve, you do not have to sign, and I do not approve. Permission denied!

Bill Dauterive

He looks like an angel. A dead angel.

Boomhauer

(crying) Why, man, dang ol' why, why?!

Dale Gribble

It should have been Bill!

Peggy Hill

Oh, Hank. We never got a chance to talk about your problem. And now... we never will.

Remember, early detection is the key. Now pass in your algebra homework.

Goodbye, boy. See you in HELL!

Peggy Hill

Do you... do you think my feet are too big, Hank?

Hank Hill

No, hon. Just... more of you to love.

Peggy Hill

Ow.

Hank Hill

Oh, sorry.

Peggy

Now, Minh, the game of Boggle is really quite simple. The goal is to make words out of these 25 letter cubes. [shakes the tray and slams it on the table] Ho yeah!

Ba mee tom yum.

Nancy

It's gotta be a real word, honey.

Nancy

You know, the Elks are having a Boggle tournament in order to raise bail money for their treasurer. Maybe you should enter.

Peggy

Me? Oh, fish, I just play for fun! Minh, you owe me $13.

[gives Peggy her money] Thank you for Boggle lesson, Peggy Hill! Maybe next week I teach you mahjong. Bring your checkbook!

Peggy

Hey, you wanna be my coach?

Hank

A Boggle coach? What would I do?

Peggy

Well, Hank, you don't have to do anything, you just have to be there. Unless you want me to go up to Dallas by myself.

Hank

Dallas? I don't want you going to Dallas at all! That place is crawling with crack heads and debutantes. And half of them play for the Cowboys.

Peggy

[crying] I am so stupid!

Hank

Aw, you're not stupid. Heck, you're smarter than me.

Peggy

Oh, big deal!

Hank

Well, you're smarter than anyone else in Arlen.

Peggy

Well, whoop-dee-do! I am the smartest hillbilly in Hillbillytown!

Hank

I-I'm trying Peggy. I just… hey, you know Coach used to say something that would fire us up when we were behind?

Peggy

Yeah? What?

Hank

[furiously]] LOSER! YOU'RE A LOSER! ARE YOU FEELING SORRY FOR YOURSELF?! WELL, YOU SHOULD BE CAUSE YOU ARE DIRT! YOU MAKE ME SICK, YOU BIG BABY! BABY WANT A BOTTLE?! A BIG DIRT BOTTLE?!

Peggy

[crying harder] WHY ARE YOU YELLING AT ME?!

Hank

Uh, well, I'm trying to be your coach. I… It's… It's inspiring!

Peggy Hill

Well, thank you, cause I feel worse than ever!

Hank Hill

Well, it worked for the team.

Peggy

No it didn't! You went to State and lost!

Hank

Ah, jeez! I think I need one of those $8 beers.