Peggy Hill quotes from King of the Hill

Peggy Hill

[to Bobby] Bobby, smoking is a nasty, filthy filthy habit and only trailer trash smoke nowadays. Now do you wanna look like trailer trash?

Luanne Platter

That's not fair! I don't smoke! [she starts crying runs away in tears]

Peggy Hill

Ah, Lu- uh. Lord, Hank you finish this. Oh, honey, you are not trash just 'cause you grew up in a trailer and your mama's in prison.

Peggy Hill

Uh, Hank, there is a "tile" in the bathroom that I think we missed.

Hank Hill

Really? Well, I better check that out.

Hank Hill

Heh-heh-heh. Well, I found the "tile" — thank you very much, Peggy — and I looked at it but there's still some more "tile" for you to look at.

Peggy Hill

You know, I think I will save the rest of my "tile" for after breakfast.

Bobby Hill

Will you stop talking about your stupid tile?! If it's so dirty go clean it, and if it's clean you can shut up!!

Luanne Platter

Here's to three of the bravest individuals in all of Arlen. To the Hills and their tobacco-free future!

Hank Hill

My God, are you still talking?!

Bobby Hill

Why's my potato got skin on it? I hate skin!

Peggy Hill

I will not sit here and have my work insulted! What, do you think the potatoes just fly into the bowl and mash themselves?!!

Luanne Platter

I know y'all don't mean none of those harsh words. It's just the nicotine withdrawal.

Hank Hill

Why is she still talking?!!

Luanne Platter

[after finding Peggy hiding in the closet with a cigarette] I found her.

Peggy Hill

Close the damn door!! Can't you see that I am knitting!!

Bobby Hill

Mom. Hand over the cigarette!

Peggy Hill

Nooooo!

Bobby Hill

Mom this is not your son, this is your buddy!

Peggy Hill

NOOOOO!!

Bobby Hill

Hand it over!!

Peggy Hill

Okay. Women and children first. I take the first puff, Bobby here get's the second, if there's anything left...you.

Hank Hill

Who are you trying to kid? We all know there won't be anything left. Lets you and me split it Peg! It'll be romantic! You know like the old days, before he came along!

Bobby Hill

Momma. It's your son. Nine months inside remember? Those were good times too!

Peggy Hill

I don't know. Now this is just happening too fast, I just don't know.

Hank Hill

Well I do! Come on Bobby, you and I can take her! You go high, I'll go low!

Luanne

Look, Aunt Peggy, I got my practice head! It's got real hair and everything!

Peggy

(approaching) Well, Luanne, it's a very nice head-

Luanne

(interrupting sharply and furiously) DON'T TOUCH IT!! (calmly) Aunt Peggy, I can't let anything happen to it before my final exam.

Peggy Hill

I know it is not my fault. If anything, this is your fault. You made him go to that camp with no toilet doors.

Hank Hill

Don't point your finger at me, woman. You're the one who parks him in front of the TV and makes him watch all them Muppets. They got frogs kissing pigs, what the hell did they think was going to happen?

Hank Hill

(Seeing Bobby freeing the practice head in the cabinets) Well that just tears it! I have tried to be patient, but now it's time for a little tough love! (snatches the practice head away from Bobby)

Bobby

No...wait!

Luanne Platter

What's going on?

Peggy Hill

I don't know.

Bobby Hill

NO, DAD, NO!

Peggy Hill

Hank? Stop Hank! Please!

Luanne Platter

Oh no! PLEASE DON'T UNCLE HANK!

Luanne Platter

(inconsolably screaming) MY TEST! WHAT ABOUT MY TEST?!

Peggy

Luanne and Bobby are at Junie Harper's house

Hank

[Nearly chokes on his beer before swallowing] I came very close to spitting out beer!

Peggy Hill

Did a woman ruin the Supreme Court?

Hank Hill

Yes, and that woman's name was Earl Warren.

Luanne

OK Luanne, how do they get out of the closet? (gasps) Ohhh, No, that won't work.

Hank

(whispers) Jimmy the lock with a coat-hanger.

Luanne

What? I don't... I can't... hmmm, what?

Hank

(whispers) Jimmy the lock with a... (sighs) uh, (out loud) I'll save you, Manger Babies.

Luanne

You will?

Hank

Yes, uh, cause I'm the assistant manager of this movie theater. I sell popcorn and popcorn accessories and you are fired.

Luanne

(as the Manger Babies) We're free, we're free, whoo.

Luanne

Thank you, assistant manager. Me-how can we ever repay you?

Hank

By never forgetting this lesson. Sneaking into the movies is wrong. As wrong as spilling juice on a new carpet.

Bravo, bravo.

Nancy

You know Luanne really shouldn't waste this kind of talent on church. If you want, I could show this tape to my boss at channel 84. He's always looking for quality children's programming and home videos of things blowing up.

Peggy

Well, Luanne really could use a boost right now, but I could not take advantage of our friendship like that, no.

Nancy

Oh, Peggy, honey. This is show business. That's what friends do.

Hank

It says here I owe $40 and that can't be true. I always bring back my tapes. Look for yourself, I've returned The Great Santini 23 times.

Okay, Hank Hill, June 23rd. Yeah, you rented and never returned Cuffs & Collars.

Hank

I've never even heard of that. Have you?

Peggy

Nuh-uh. Unless it's got the name Merchant, Ivory, or Billy Crystal above the title. I am not interested.

Bobby

Wait a minute. Wait a minute. They're buying me a movie for my birthday. That's why we're here, right?

Luanne

Really, Bobby. They haven't said anything.

Hank

Bobby, you ever heard of a movie called Cuffs & Collars?

Bobby

Ooh, I think that's the one with the two cops who don't get along, but then they do, but it's too late, cause he's dead, but not really.

Hank

So you've seen it?

Bobby

No.

Hank

How about you, Luanne?

Luanne

(shakes her head "no")

Bobby

Oh no. You're not getting a movie, Bobby (laughs). You are so smooth.

Hank

No, we didn't rent it. So if you could please erase the $40 and penalize yourself whatever you think is fair, we'll be on our way.

I am sorry, but the computer won't let me erase anything until you either return the tape or pay the $40.

Hank

I told you I didn't rent the tape, now who is calling me a liar, you or the machine? 'Cause I wanna know whose ass to kick!

I'm not calling you a liar, sir.

Hank

Fine. Now where's the ass on this thing?

Peggy

(sighs) I need a dryer, Hank. Just pay for the tape.

Hank

Absolutely not. I won't pay for someone else's screw up. Hell, I wouldn't be surprised if that tape was sitting on the shelf right now. Where would Cuff's & Collars be, Action Adventure, Action Comedy, Action Action?

Make a left.

Hank

Okay. (realizes he's in the Adult Section and he rushes out in horror) BWAHHHHH!

Luanne Platter Kleinschmidt

Mama got outta prison! (runs to the garage)

Peggy Hill

(gasps and drops Ladybird's food dish in shock) Oh, I knew it! I just knew it! I told them medium security would not be enough to hold that woman!

Luanne Platter

No, she didn't escape, She was released! She's coming to visit on Saturday!

Hank Hill

Uh...she's coming here?

Luanne Platter

Oh, I can't wait to tell Daddy! Oh, we're gonna be a family again! (excitedly exits the garage)

Peggy Hill

I will tongue-kiss Bill before I let that tramp in my house!

Bobby Hill

Whoa.

Peggy Hill

I will not have you running around all glammed up like Phyllis Diller!

Luanne Platter

You're not my mama! Mama is my mama!

Peggy Hill

Luanne, you are never gonna see her for who she is. Well, I am sorry, but I have not got time for pain. The next time that woman breaks your heart, I'm not gonna be waiting there to say "I told you so."

Peggy Hill

Excuse me, ma'am, but that was my fork.

Dale Gribble

Poor Peggy; she's dead.

Peggy Hill

Leanne, whether you like the title or not, you are this girl's mother. She has been waiting her whole life for just a shred of attention from you. But you don't know how to return even a fraction of the love you get from your child - or from your man! I hope someday you can live without alcohol, but until that day we can all live very nicely without you.