Charlie, I need a woman. I need a woman to...to cook for me, and clean up after me, and somebody that will do everything I say.
Well, that's just a maid. You want a maid?
Yeah, that's right, a maid. A maid I can bang. A bang-maid.
“Dennis Looks Like a Registered Sex Offender” · Season 3, Episode 11
In this episode: Charlie Kelly (2), Dennis Reynolds (1), Mac McDonald (1), Sweet Dee Reynolds (1), Frank Reynolds (1)
Timmy, will you recite for our husky friend here the little courtroom speech we prepared?
TTimmy
I have a friend, his name is Wendell. He showed me funny movies with furry naked people in them. He gives me juice boxes that make me sleepy.
WWendell
All right, I get it.
TTimmy
He's silly. He's a tickle monster!
WWendell
Listen, kid, I said I get it, OK?
TTimmy
He makes me taste things I don't want to. He puts things in my hiney.
(Both Dee and Dennis wince)
WWendell
Goddammit, will you make the kid stop? Please, come on.
Yeah, I think that ought to do it.
Yeah, that's good, Timmy. So you'll leave?
WWendell
Yeah. I'll leave. [winks at Timmy as he closes the door]
Frank (threateningly): Stay away from my bang-maid!
Holy shit, I think he's killing these people! And he's probably eating them too, dude, and although I think eating people is very cool, not if we're involved, man! We're accomplices!
No, we are not! He said these were people from his past and he's gotta take care of them, and once he takes care of them, he's gonna take care of me--
(stops dead when he realizes what that means)
Ohhh, dude....
Mac (panicked): That doesn't sound good!
No, that doesn't sound good at all for you, Bro...
--I'm on the list, of course, and then--Uh, oh! Number twelve...Charlie.
Charlie (leaping forward): WHAT?!!
Charlie.
Why am I on the list? That's bullshit! You don't put a man on a list! Rip it off! Rip it off! You think he memorized it? Of course, he memorized it! What is this about?! Why am I on the list? (beat) It's the heroin thing! Remember how he asked us to put heroin in our butts and smuggle it into prison, and we didn't do it? Oh, so now he's all hot and bothered just because we don't give him heroin and we don't put it in our butts, man? YOU DON'T DO THAT! YOU DON'T EAT SOMEONE 'CAUSE THEY DON'T HAVE HEROIN IN THEIR ASS! (begins to scream)
These quotes come from Wikiquote's It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.