Oh no, I'm going out, I'm going guns blazing!
Rise up! Gonna get higher and higher!
MacRickety Cricket! Lookin' good bro'.
CDCharlie & Dee
Ram bop bop bop bop bopp bopa bopa boppa ba!
CDCharlie & Dee
Oh were doing fine fantastic. Absolutely! Hey check it out we got all the cocaine.
Mac
Well ok but we got bigger problems, me and Dennis just pissed off the Don's wife because we wouldn't bang her so we just need to be prepared for anything.dd>
Oooh I tell you what I will get my gun. [Pulls out handgun]
Whoa where'd you get a gun?
Oh really well you should've told me because I've been carrying this thing around all day. [Pulls out gun]
Mac
Guys guys guys we don't need to use guns!
I'm gonna hide this in my shoe so I can pretend I'm tying my shoe and reach for it!
And then I'll reach for some cigarettes and when I ask for a light, we come out blastin'!
[Noises from Charlie, Dee and Frank]
Mac
What the hell are you doing here, dude?
I'm working, what're you doing?
Mac
You can not seriously be thinking about banging this old lady!
No, no, Mac, you have to separate yourself from the way they look, you see? Frank says that the only thing that matters in this game is cash.
Mac (incredulous)': What did Frank do to you?
Frank takes care of me, okay? You don't understand the nature of our relationship.
Mac (does a double-take): What?! (Frank notices them and comes running down the stairs.)
Frank (motioning to Mac): Hey! Hey! You, out! This is our turf, get out!
Mac
No, Frank, he can not bang this woman, okay? she's the mob boss' wife!
What do you think she's gonna do? Call her husband and say she's banging a whore? (points to Dennis, then to the stairs) Dennis! Up those stairs! (Dennis turns to obey, but Mac grabs him.)
Mac
Dennis, don't do it, he's got you brainwashed. (Frank spins Dennis around and backhands him)
Mac (grabbing Dennis): Dennis! (Mac backhands Dennis) STAY!
Frank (hits Dennis again): GO!
Mac (hitting Dennis again): STAY!
Mac
STAY!
Mac
STAY!
Mac'
STAY!
Mac
YOU'RE GONNA GET US KILLED!
STOP, STOP, STOP, STOP! Please stop hitting me so I can think for a second!
Frank (nervous): You see? This is bad! You got him thinkin' for himself again!
Frannie (from the top of the stairs): What the hell are you doing, whore? Get back upstairs!
Dennis (after a few seconds): No.
FFrannie
Get your ass back in the bedroom.
Dennis (stronger): I'm outta here. (Dennis walks out.)
FFrannie
And what about you, Pussy Hands?
Mac (taken aback): Me? Oh, no, I would never sleep with you, you're gross.
Mac
I do not even understand the smell coming from your body, dude.
Oh my God, dude, relax. Dude, I forgot to put on deodorant, OK?
Mac
I have never once, never once seen you wear deodorant, Charlie, never once.
Yeah well, you never seen me once wash my testicles either but that doesn't mean I don't do it every Friday.
You put the bar up as a prize?
No, check again - I put the bar under the pride section, the things that you're proud of.
It's a Z, Charlie - prize!
Didn't you read that goddamn thing?
Mac
Your illiteracy has screwed us again, Charlie.
Your illiteracy is screwing us, man!
Mac
How are we suppose to scale back our energy costs when you are filling this generator with gasoline?
Yeah bro, since when did you start running the bar on a gas generator?
About a week ago. I've been doing it for about a week.
Well because you know electricity is so expensive man. So I figured let's get a generator and you know run the bar on it.
Are you kidding me?! Gasoline is like a thousand times more expensive than electricity!
Mac
You know what Charlie, you shouldn't be making these decisions anyway, okay? You're not the decision making type. As the brains of this organization, I should have made this decision.
Hey, whoa, whoa, I'm sorry. Since when did you become the brains?
Mac
Uhh...I'm sorry. I've always been the brains.
What?! What are you talking about? I thought I was the brains. What the hell am I?
Mac
You're the looks.
Well, yeah, of course I'm the looks, but I always thought of myself as the brains and the looks.
Mac
No, you're the looks, I'm the brains, and Charlie is the wildcard. That's...
Mac
Yeah! Yeah, that's the classic setup. You know this, no? Look, every great crew in history has followed that basic dynamic, right? Looks, brains, wildcard. Think about it! The A-team did it. Scooby Doo did it. The Ghostbusters did it!
Mac
Yes! Right? Our problem is that we don't stick to that basic format and it gets us in trouble.
So what you're saying is that by breaking from that format, we're actually limiting our ability to be as successful as those organizations.
You're totally right, dude.
Mac
Great, onto the matter at hand. We're getting plowed in the ass by the oil companies and the gas companies with their ten gallon hats and their rotten ass-plowing hearts. So, as the brains of this organization, I came up with a plan.
Mac
It involves us pulling up our bootstraps, oiling up a couple of asses, and doing a little plowing of our own. [long pause] Not gay sex.
Ah...okay, 'cause that's what it sounded like. What did you mean...
Mac
We're gonna solve the gas crisis!
Ya, best get to steppin' cause Johnny Law's a-comin'!
Yeah, you might want to start driving because she called the cops on us.
Mac
Why's he talking like that?
Well wildcard over here decided to lose his mind.
Now I say, I say that's just damn preposterous, boy!
Now you're just talking like Foghorn Leghorn!
Mac
Alrigh guys, I think it's time we just cut our losses and go back to the original plan.
Mac
No, not the generator! Storing the gas at Paddy's.
Mac
It's too soon to sell this gas anyway. Just shut the door.
Mac
Wait...the brakes...the brakes aren't working.
Mac
Brakes aren't working. No, I'm saying...no, the brakes.
Wiggle it, it gets better...
Mac
Guys, why aren't the brakes working!
Because I cut the brakes! Wildcard, bitches! Yeeeeehaaaaw!!! [jumps out of the back of the van]
[The gang is driving in the rape van]
Mac
Wait, the brakes...the brakes aren't working.
Mac
Brakes aren't working. No, I'm saying..nno, the brakes.
Wiggle it, it gets better.
Mac
Guys, why aren't the brakes working?!
BECAUSE I CUT THE BRAKES! WILDCARD, BITCHES! YEEEEEEEEEEHAAAAAAAAAAW!!! [jumps out of the back of the van after kicking the trunk door open, as the rest of the group immediately abort the plan and get out of the runaway van]
[cut to the inside of "Bruce's" apartment as he is watching a golf game]
GAGolf announcer on the TV
Mastersfield steps up behind the tee, eight strokes behind the leader. Hole number 17, 338 yards, dogleg left.
[suddenly a massive explosion rocks his apartment and blows out his windows with explosive force as the rape van, full of gasoline barrels, hits the van of "Bruce", utterly destroying both cars in a gigantic fireball]
Dude...[reaches in mouth]
Mac
No...stop! Don't do it. Oh my God.
[Charlie pulls out tooth]
Mac
How? How is that possible?!?
Mac
Just put it down.
Do you think they're my baby teeth?
Mac
Put it with the other ones.
Mac
You're not going to be able to eat this hot dog.
PGParole Guy
You're claiming that your father threatened to, quote, eat the living shit out of you.
Mac
Uh, that is correct.
PGParole Guy
Mr. Kelly, in your sworn statement to police, you claimed the prisoner told you that if you didn't, quote, jam a bunch of stuff in your butt, he was going to rape you so hard the room would stink.
PGParole Guy
Then, he was going to, quote, eat your butt and your son's butt in the stink, until his stomach was full of your... butts. Is this correct?
It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia · 514 quotes
