Mac McDonald quotes from It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

Dennis

You look fat as shit! I'm getting very concerned with the integrity of our organization here. Mac, you have gained 50 pounds of fat.”

Mac

“Mass.”

Dennis

“Fat.”

Mac

“Muscle.”

Dennis

Let's be clear. Fat.”

Mac

“But I'm healthy besides the diabitis.

“Um, no.

Mac

“But I'm more healthier than he is, is the point I think you're trying to make, even with the diabitis.

Dennis

Dude, stop saying "diabitis"! You sound like an ass...

Charlie

"Yeah, me too. I would love to go on a vacation."

Mac

"Yeah but not to the Jersey Shore though. That place sounds like a nightmare."

Dennis

" What's wrong with the Jersey Shore?"

Mac

"Come on, you've seen that TV show. It's just a bunch of sweaty Guidos getting hopped up on energy drinks and giving each other diseases."

Mac

Whoa! What's that? You were supposed to get booze!

Frank

This is Ham... *soaked* in Rum. It's Loaded with booze.

Mac

Goddamn it Frank, eating your drinks? That is genius!

Frank

Hey, warm sun, cool ocean breezes, getting rip sh*t on ham.

Mac

Wouldn't you say we're getting... Hammered?

Frank

Wait a minute, wait a minute! where's the rum ham?!

Mac

[Pointing to the ham floating away] Ah.

Frank

Ahhhhh! I'm sorry, rum ham! I'm sorry.,.rum ham.

Dennis

Okay, let's talk about the limes, guys.

Charlie

We'll keep emotion out of it.

Dennis

Reason will prevail.

Mac

Reason will prevail!

Charlie

[simultaneously] Reason will prevail!

Dennis

I think the limes should be cut a bit thinner.

Charlie

What the hell! Thin limes?! People will choke! People will die!

Mac

Charlie, Charlie, take emotion out of it--

Frank

Charlie's got a point! One of the cornerstones of Paddy's Pub is thick limes!

Charlie

Yeah, don’t tell me-

Mac

I AM GONNA PUT MY THUMB THROUGH YOUR EYE, YOU LITTLE BITCH!!!!!

Dennis

No, no, shhh. Stay calm, stay--hey, hey, hey. Look at me. Look at me. Stay calm with me, okay? Be unemotional. Let's--let's be democratic. Let’s put this thing to a vote.

Mac

A vote?

Dennis

A vote solves everything in a democracy, does it not?

Mac

...Yes.

Dennis

So, all for thinner limes, raise your hands. [Mac and Dennis raise hands] And all for thicker limes, raise your hands. [Frank and Charlie raise hands] Now there you go. That's a democracy in action. That's two votes against two votes. A perfect example of when democracy...has failed.

Dennis

See, you've all been trying to convince the IRS that Dee's baby is alive. What you really need to be doing is convincing the IRS that Dee's baby is dead.

Mac

This is dark.

Frank

Darkest thing we've ever done.

Mac

[reading a question] "Dennis is asshole. Why Charlie hate"?

Charlie

I don't think I wrote that.

Mac

You definitely wrote this one, Charlie. Who else would have written this?

Charlie

I'm not remembering that. I don't think I wrote that one.

Mac

Of course you did. How many other illiterates are in the-- Just throw out a guess.

Charlie

Pass.

Mac

No!

Pass, pass?

No, he didn't pass, he didn't pass.

Mac

Just throw out a guess. Any guess, come on.

Charlie

Pass.

Mac

Son of a bitch! All right, chance to steal.

Dennis

[eagerly] Because Dennis is a bastard man!

Charlie

That's what it is. I definitely wrote that.

Mac

Last time we played, Dee got "Emotional Battery". We berated that bitch for like two straight hours.

Charlie

I mean, really personal stuff. Way over the line. The kind of stuff that cuts you to the core, you know.

Mac

She held it together without a single tear.

Charlie

Dude, when her two minutes were up, she cried for a month straight.

Mac

Yeah, it was really sad. Every day, crying all day long. She talked about taking too many pills.

Charlie

I think she tried to kill herself.

Mac

She did, she did. I saw it, but I didn't tell you about it.

Charlie

We have to blow the sign off of the building-- you know, maybe I'll do the blowing. That's fine.

Dennis

Charlie, Charlie, stop, stop, stop, stop. Do you think a human being can blow a sign off of a building?

Charlie

I didn't until Mac said it.

Mac

I never said that.

Dennis

A man cannot blow a sign off of a building.

Mac

In Charlie's defense, you could loosen the screws, get up there and blow...

Dennis

We are talking about the internet. You are derailing the conversation.

Charlie

Okay, I cannot see the driver's face, but the subject appears to have pointed feet of some kind. Okay, I'm repeating here. He has pointed feet, so careful now.

Dennis

[on walkie talkie] What does that mean? What does that mean?

Mac

He's wearing cowboy boots.

Charlie

Yeah, give me a chip.

Mac

No, you're not getting the chips. The chips are off the table, okay?

Charlie

I want a chip!

Mac

Don't bring up the chips.

Charlie

Give me a chip!

Mac

He wants chips, and I asked him in the store, Dennis, you were there. I said, "Charlie, do you want a bag of chips?" He said, "No, I don't want chips." If you wanted the goddamn chips, you should have gotten the goddamn chips at the hamburger store!

Didn't you also give everybody ringworm?

Mac

No! No, that was a rumor, I only gave ringworm to Charlie. I--I got it from my dog, Poppins, and then Charlie and I were wrestling every day because we were trying out for the wrestling team, and then...you know, we just sort of passed it back and forth.

Charlie

Yeah, we passed it back and forth. Although then we did try out for the wrestling team, and then I do think a couple of the guys got it on the team. So yeah, you're right. You're right.

Wow. Yeah no, that is really gross. Yeah, that is about as low as it gets.

Dee

They probably still have it 'cause they're so gay together!

Totally. Hey, Dee, why don't you come back to our table? You know, have a drink?

Dee

Oh yeah, sure, that sound cool. See you later, Dirtgrub and Ronnie the Rat. Hope you suck each other's rotten peckers until you get mouth cancer! [whispers to Mac and Charlie] For some reason, homophobia, it's just awesome to these guys.

Charlie

Do you remember Psycho Pete?

Unfortunately, yes.

Charlie

Any word on if he's coming tonight or...

Well, I hope not. He's the reason we have extra security. He threatened to burn down the building.

Charlie

Ha, that's...

Mac

He was probably just joking.

Charlie

That's his sense of humor.

Mac

He has a very dark sense of humor.

Charlie

You gotta lighten up around Pete.

Was he joking when he cut his family into little pieces and ate them for Christmas dinner?

Charlie

[pause] That doesn't sound like a joke.

Mac

Did that really happen?

Charlie

Yeah, that sounds much more serious.

[drunk] Hey, hey, hey. Great dance, assholes. You know what? Just like you low-life shits, I didn't get invited to the after party either, but whatever. I'm just gonna have sex with somebody to feel better about myself. I'm gonna bang the next person who talks to me. So who's it gonna be?

How you doing, fellas? Having fun?

Charlie

Schmitty, excuse me...

Did I miss the festivities? What are we doing here? [turns around and sees the Waitress] Hey, how are you.

Do you wanna have sex with me?

Yes, I do.

See you, guys. [points to Dee in her brace as he walks off with the Waitress] Monster. Where do you wanna go? You got a car?

I don't know.

We'll use mine, come on.

Charlie

Schmitty.

Mac

Let's go back to the bar.

Dee

Yeah.

Frank

Let's go, Charlie.

Charlie

Schmitty just...

Mac

Swooped in and grabbed the most disgusting girl here.