Dennis Reynolds quotes from It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

Mac

[to Sweet Dee and Charlie] Are you two seeing this?

Dennis

[gayly] ...boys are out tonight, huh?

Mac

This is unbelievable. What the hell is going on here? You got black women crawling all over you, and this Mary over here is the belle of the ball. Why do these people like you guys so much?

Charlie

Well dude, it's not that they like us, it's that they don't like you. You know why? Uhh... because you're an asshole!

Hello, lover.

Dennis

Whoa! What the hell? What is going on here?

Relax, stud. You got nothing to be ashamed about.

Dennis

What the fuck...what does that mean? Did we have--No.

No, don't be silly. It was all hands.

How's that ass feelin'? [Slaps Dennis's ass]

Terrell

You know, when I'm promoting, you better believe everybody and their mama gonna be there. You know what I mean? There's gonna be brothers, white boys, Latinos, whatever. You know, we got niggas hanging from the rafters. So, we got like 400 plus packed into this tiny little place-

Dennis

Whoa, whoa, whoa, you said you had 400 people packed into this place?

Terrell

You damn right I got 400 - that's my job, man. And it's mostly college kids. You know, my sister goes to Temple, so I got the hookup over there.

Mac

Ah, and hookups are good. But just to be clear, when you say your sister, do you mean your sister or your friend?

Dennis

Dude.

Dee

Oh, Jesus.

Terrell

I mean my sister.

Mac

Oh, ok, cool. I was just - because - he could mean his friend or his sister and I was just -

Charlie

Stop talking.

Terrell

So we're packing into this little bitty place over on Walnut, right? We're halfway through the night, everything's going alright. You know what I mean? All of a sudden, I notice this dude eyeballing me from across the bar.

Dennis

Shit.

Terrell

And I don't know if this dude wants to freak me or fight me, you know what I'm saying?

Charlie

He's giving you crazy eyes.

Terrell

The insane, crazy eyes, right?

Charlie

I know that.

Terrell

So I walk over to this guy. He's this big, cut, Mexican dude and I look at him and say, "Yo, ese, unless you want to get your ass torn apart, you'd better get this look off of your face."

Dee

No...

Mac

You walked right up to him and said that?

Terrell

I had to, man. You gotta make the first move. Always make the first move, you know what I'm saying?

Dennis

I know.

Mac

That's so badass.

Dee

So what happened?

Terrell

Well, hey, he won't stop staring me down and we're, like, eyeball to eyeball, his grill is right up in mine. It feels like an eternity, son, right? Finally, he just opens up his mouth and says (Mexican accent) "I guess you're gon' have to tear my ass apart, holmes."

Charlie

Oh, man. So, what did you do?

Terrell

Took him to the back alley and tore his ass apart.

Mac

[on abortion] It's nobody's choice! It should be left up to God!

Dee

Is he jo..? Is that..? Are you.. joking?

Mac

No, it's not a joke! You remember Genesis? Book two, verse three: And he breatheth into the nostrils of Adam on the first day and it was good.

Dee

Right in his nostrils, huh? Sounds really uncomfortable.

Dennis

[to Mac] You're making an asshole out of yourself.

Dennis

[at an abortion rally] I think all these chicks are gay.

Dee

Yeah, I don't know that they're gay, I think they can just smell how disgusting you are.

Dennis

Pff...sucks for me.

Dee

Are you actually gonna throw away all your convictions for a chance to get laid?

Dennis

I don't really have any convictions.

Dennis

We could get into a lot of trouble for this.

Dee

And we also have a social responsibility to keep teenagers from drinking.

Charlie

I guess.

Mac

Well, I don't know about that, though. Hold on, I mean, wait a second, hear me out, hear me out: it wasn't that long ago that we were in the same position as these youngsters, right? I mean, we'd get kicked out of some bar and what did we do, Den? We would get a bunch of forties from a homeless guy and we would go sit in some park.

Charlie

That is true.

Mac

That is absolutely true. And what would happen? We would almost get raped and/or murdered and/or stabbed by the crackheads in Fairmount Park.

Dee

Hello, Stephen.

Charlie

You want to know what else what would happen? We drove Nicky Potnick's car into a tree on Kelly Drive.

Dennis

With Sweet Dee in the back seat, puking all over the headrest because some guy talked to her that she liked, remember that? Every time some guy talks to you that you like, you get so nervous that you drink yourself into oblivion.

Dee

No, no, I had bad potato salad.

Mac

You abused alcohol, and that's OK, that's OK, but it's very dangerous, right? Right? Well, maybe we should look at this whole thing from a different angle. Maybe we have a social responsibility to provide a safe haven for these kids to be kids. You know, experiment!

Dee

No, I don't like where this is headed.

Dennis

I don't get it Sweet Dee, There are tons of women in this city; where do they mate with these gorrillas?

Dee

They're at velvet-rope clubs on Delaware Avenue.

Dennis

Oh I see.

Dee

Dennis, our bar is in south Philly in a scary alley...might as well call it "Rape Bar."

Charlie

Look, the girl, she wears a Lance Armstrong bracelet, ok? So I tell you I have cancer, right? Then you're gonna tell her, she's going to feel sorry for me, we're going to start dating, and that's the way the lie works!

Dennis

That's a horrible thing to do!

Charlie

Well, I'm a bad guy then!

Dennis

You are a bad guy! You lied to us!

Charlie

All right look at this, sometimes you've got to crack a few eggs to make an omelet.

Dennis

You've got to crack a couple eggs to make an omelet?

Charlie

Yeah, you gotta crack an egg.

Dennis

So you're throwing down life lessons now?

Charlie

I'm throwing down eggs!

Dennis

Class is in session, the teacher's teaching class now!

Charlie

I'm cracking eggs of wisdom!

Dee

We talked about it, and we decided that we need to get rid of that gun.

Dennis

Oh, oh, the gun...yeah, we're getting rid of the gun.

Mac

You could have been killed. Dennis could have killed you.

Charlie

Okay, good, yes, I think that would be for the best... ah...mm...Dee, could you get me a nurse?

Dee

Yeah, sure. [exits]

Charlie

Tell me we're not getting rid of that gun.

Mac

No way!

Dennis

[pulls gun out of his pants] Never.

Dennis

We're really sorry Charlie, but it was dark, we didn't know it was you... and you were robbing the register.

Charlie

Yeah... still wish you hadn't shot me.

Dennis

So, you're not going to get in any trouble at all?

Charlie

Uh, no, no, not really. And since the McPoyles are going to plead guilty I'm sort of off the hook completely.

Dennis

That's great!

Dee

Oh, I'm sorry, was he saying that the intervention worked?

Dennis

No, I don't think that's what he's saying.

Dee

What are you talking about? It was the final push Charlie needed. Turns out: Three-quarters of a major, not so bad after all.

Charlie

Oh, and the best part of it actually for me now is the fact that everybody thinks that I've been molested. So in a way, my life is ruined. Uh, in the meantime, I'm gonna go in the back office and cry, and cry, and cry, and drink for a while.

Dennis

Emotional release, another giant step forward.

Dee

God, we're good. Doctor.

Dennis

Doctor.

Mac

If the McPoyles got blown, and Charlie got blown, then why didn't I get blown?

Dennis

You're goin' to hell, dude.

Dee

Seriously.

Dennis

Dee, you scared the shit out of me. What are you doing?

Sweet Dee

Same thing you're doing. I'm not letting dad give all this shit to poor people.

Dennis

Alright, hey I got here first though. I'm taking the plasma TV and I'm taking the fish tank.

Sweet Dee

How come you get to pick and choose?

Dennis

It's not that I get to pick and choose, it's that I'm a man and I'm strong. I can carry heavy things. You're a woman, you're weak and... you can't.

Sweet Dee

You're a woman and you're weak.

Dennis

That doesn't make any sense.

Sweet Dee

You don't make any sense.

Dennis

This Jew's in for a ton of work.

WHOA!

Dennis

Whoa, what?

Mac

Come on, man! You can't say things like that!

Dennis

I don't know what I said. What'd I say?

Charlie

Uh, you dropped a hard "J" on us.