Dennis Reynolds quotes from It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

Oh, you really know your way around.

Dennis

Well, if I've learned anything from films like Executive Decision or Passenger 57, there's always a way into the cargo hold.

You're weird.

Dennis

You have no idea.

Dennis

Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Nothing with my lips, all right? I don't want to do that with you.

Dee

I even have my own system. The DEE system. Do them. Establish low rating. Increase power.

Dennis

"Increase" is spelled with an "I."

Dee

Okay, well, then, uh... Infuriate them when they find out...

Dennis

Another "I."

Dee

Empower. It doesn't... the word doesn't matter. It's-it's the system... ah, I don't care about you.

Charlie

What the hell is this? Why are there chickens everywhere?

Dennis

No time to explain it to you, you wouldn't get it anyway.

Charlie

What are you painting?

Dennis

Look, it's a new sign, okay? "Carmine's: a Place for Steaks".

Charlie

What- no! I can't have you put that sign up, the health inspector's coming, like, any minute.

Dennis

So what?

Charlie

So wha-? So we're not Carmine's! Look, I can't have them see the sign.

Mac

Who gives a shit? We always get a passing grade.

Charlie

Yeah, we get a passing grade because I bust my ass to make sure that happens! Okay, and we don't pretend we're a restaurant! Look, this is fucking crazy, no signs!

Dennis

No, we're using the sign, because the sign's a big part of the plan.

Charlie

What is the plan?! What is happening?!

Mac

Charlie, we found a loophole in the system.

Dee

Yeah, it's a closing loophole, it involves airline miles and points.

Charlie

You're doing a chicken and airline miles scam today?!

Dennis

Look, it is a great plan, okay? We do not have a ton of time to explain it to you, we're busy.

Charlie

Okay, fine, whatever, I get it. I get it.

Dennis

No, you don't.

Frank

It's a good plan, Charlie.

Charlie

Frank, Jesus Christ, man! Where are your shoes?!

Frank

I lost 'em in the bathroom.

Dennis

Excuse me, with all due respect, Charlie, you don't even know what the goddamn plan is.

Charlie

Okay, okay, with all due respect to you, I think I understand it fully, okay? You guys used Frank's credit card, you bought a bunch of airline miles. You used those airline miles to purchase 400 steaks. Knowing that this delivery company delivered all variety of animal products, your plan was to contaminate the steaks with chicken feathers by rubbing live chickens all over them. Then you were gonna repackage the steaks, at which point, you were gonna return the contaminated steaks for actual cash, taking advantage of a loophole in the current airline miles system, correct?

Frank

Very good, Charlie.

Mac

That is it, that is it.

Dennis

That was the plan, but I mean... you know, we basically had already explained it to you, so...

Charlie

Right, but what you didn't plan for was a hungry delivery guy who'd driven here all the way from Ohio, or that Dee's oversized fingers could've accidentally pressed "zero" again when she ordered the steaks online - I'm assuming you did the typing, Dee, yes?

Dee

...Goddamn it.

Dennis

Dee, you bitch.

Charlie

But none of this matters to me, okay? Because today is inspection day. A day that I pride myself on, a day that I've never failed on, and I don't plan to begin failing now! So listen to me, and listen close like you've never done before: we are going to pull this thing off, so help... me... god.

Dennis

I- I used to be a cool guy, right, with a cool car hanging out all the time, and now I'm a- what am I? I'm a chauffeur to a bunch of worm-sucking idiots!

Mac

You?! What about me? I used to be a party boy who banged chicks all the time. You guys remember? But no-one was ever good enough for you, dude. So I got self-conscious and I stopped - because of you, I changed who I am at my core.

Dennis

Mac, Mac, that is not what happened, okay? You are completely delusional. I mean- by the way, all of us have become so goddamn weird.

Frank

I think we're just hitting our stride.

Dennis

Oh, you think we're "hitting our stride," Frank?

Frank

Yeah!

Dennis

Really? 'Cause Dee's in a goddamn costume every other day! As a matter of fact, we all are; I think we have more costumes in the bar than we do kegs! I mean- wha- what if I said I wanted to become a man-cheetah right now? What would you do?

Frank

I'd go get the spots.

Dennis

He's got spots! Why do you have spots- you shouldn't have spots! That's absurd, man. That's absurd... you know what? I actually- I blame you for most of this.

Frank

Me?

Dennis

Yeah, because you came in here with your endless goddamn supply of money and financed all this bizarre behavior!

Frank

You were plenty weird before me. What about the underage drinking scheme? I wasn't even here for that.

Mac

But that made sense, Frank. It worked!

Dennis

You know what? I gotta get away from you people, that's what it is. I-I- I fly off the handle every five seconds now.

Mac

You know what? I gotta get away from you people, you're all insane! I'm storming out!

Dennis

Wha- don't copy me! I'm the one who's angry- GODDAMN IT!

Frank

You don't storm out on me, I storm out on you!

Dennis

I'M THE ONE WHO STORMS OUT, I'M THE ONE WHO- Oh, OH, OH, yeah, no. Okay, you know what, that's fine. Storm out. Get angry. You guys be that guy, 'cause I'm not gonna be that guy anymore. I'm not gonna get angry and shit, I'm gonna cool off. I'm gonna go back to being what I was before: a cool guy who just hangs out and has a cool car. So, I'm not gonna storm out, but I am gonna leave. I'm gonna... leave casually.

Charlie

...You want to get lunch?

Dee

Sure.

Dennis

Well, I was thinking somewhere in the ballpark of the original price, but, uh... considering the circumstances, I'm open to a reasonable discussion.

Alright. I mean, it is an amphibious exploring vehicle, so it should be fine, right?

Dennis

...Yes. Yes, absolutely. It's nice to talk to a reasonable man, heh heh. Now, are you a sportsman? Because you look very fit.

Oh, I ski.

Dennis

You ski? Oh, excellent, love skiing. Yeah. Do you travel a lot?

For work, yeah.

Dennis

Europe? Eastern Europe?

Ah, all over, really.

Dennis

And I assume you'll be taking the car with you on these trips?

Me? Oh, no. No, I'm- I'm looking for something for my daughter.

Dennis

...Your daughter?

Yeah. You know, safe, slow vehicle. Good starter car.

Dennis

...Starter car.

That's right.

Dennis

...I have contained my rage for as long as possible, but I shall unleash my fury upon you, like the crashing of a thousand waves! BEGONE, VILE MAN, BEGONE FROM ME! A "starter car"?! This car is a finisher car! A transporter of gods! THE GOLDEN GOD! I AM UNTETHERED AND MY RAGE KNOWS NO BOUNDS!

Dennis

Hey, listen, I want things to go back to normal, okay? I don't like the way things have become, and I want them to go back to the way they were-

Frank

Listen up! I want things to go back to normal! I don't like the way things are going, I want them to go back to normal.

Dennis

What the hell are you doing, man?

Frank

I'm storming in.

Dennis

I was storming in- what are you, a man-cheetah?

Frank

Yeah.

Dennis

Cool.

Frank

You like it?

Dennis

Yes!

Frank

Alright, good. I can't do this anymore, that last crew sucked on ice!

Dennis

Okay, look, I like the man-cheetah thing, I want to go back to doing shit like this. Are you guys on board? I want to go back to the way things were.

Charlie

Definitely!

Dee

Definitely want things to be normal again.

Charlie

We should go back in time.

Dee

Can we go back a lot?

Dennis

Okay, did you bomb and fail and bomb just like I knew you would?

Charlie

Oh, yes. Yeah, that's all that happened, and nothing else happened other than that.

Dee

There was a poetry thing, it was bad.

Charlie

There was a poetry thing, and SHUT UP, BIRD!

Dee

You shut up, you can't read!

Charlie

Dennis, what is this enticing bowl of white?

Dennis

Charlie, that... that's cottage cheese.

Charlie

Cottage cheese? Like... cheese from some cottage? Whose cottage? Well, like, what is that, exactly?

Dennis

How do you not know what it is? Aren't you, like, a cheese guy?

Charlie

I'm not a cottage guy.

Dennis

You are gonna make us lose this game.

Grant Anderson

Just need you to name an animal that we eat but doesn't eat us.

Charlie

Doesn't eat us-- that's easy. Dragon!

Grant Anderson

Charlie, do you eat dragon?

Charlie

No! I don't eat dragon 'cause, uh, it's-it's not a meal for peasants, it's a meal for kings, and I'm sort of a common man. But they don't eat us; they, uh, it's like a misconception. They actually eat gold and treasure. That's why they're always sitting on a big pile of it.

Bad answer. Bad answer. Bad answer. That's a bad answer.

Grant Anderson

Okay, show me dragon!

Charlie

[laughing] I told you!

Grant Anderson

Well, astonishingly, uh, one person surveyed gave the answer dragon, so... What a world!

Dennis

I'm sorry, can I ask: how do you play with a goddamn hole?

Charlie

First, we just started, like, throwing things down it and then we never heard it land. It would just kind of rattle around down there.

Mac

Then we got a flashlight to see if we could see the bottom - we couldn't. Then I threw it down there! Y'know, to prove a point.

Dennis

What was the point?

Dee

It was something to do with how metal... travels faster than light? Or-

Charlie

No, it was that light is either on or off, there's no speed to light. It's- it was an anti-science thing.

Dee

This hole, it's very exciting, Dennis. I mean, it represents infinite possibilities, it's endless.

Charlie

What if there's, like, a mutant living down there? We can get him up and he can live in the bar with us!

Dennis

We've already got one mutant hanging out with us in the bar all the time. (laughs at Frank) Hey, Frank, did you hear what I said? I turned a frustrating conversation into a joke on you.

Frank

Huh? Oh, y-yeah.

Mac

...Frank, what do you think about this hole? Pretty cool, huh? You want to do something with it?

Frank

No, I don't. In fact, something just dawned on me: I need to quit.

Dennis

Wha-what? What're- What're you talking about?

Frank

I don't care anything about this hole. I-I'm passionless.

Mac

What are you saying, Frank?

Frank

I hereby officially retire from Paddy's Pub.

Charlie

Look, I'm just trying to come up with a system. We gotta have a system here, y'know?

Mac

Wait, wait, wait, we do have a system for this! Paddy's Succession Plan, remember?

Dennis

Oh shit, right. Yes, right! Paddy's Succession Plan! It was, like, a will we drew up to determine who would get each one of our shares in the very likely event of our untimely deaths.

Mac

We drank, like, three bottles of tequila and then we started talking about our legacy and how important that was to us-

Charlie

Gotta have a legacy.

Dee

Oh, here we go. On a paper plate, huh?

Mac

Yeah, read it, read it.

Dee

"Paddy's Succession Plan - Paddy's Pub shall secure our legacy here, henceforth and forevermore, throughout the birthright of our firstborn kin." Who hit the pen here?

Dennis

It makes sense, don't be a bitch- what it means is, every one of our shares gets passed down to our firstborn.

Mac

Right! Right, our firstborn!

Dee

The shares get passed down to the firstborn kin? We are the firstborn kin of Frank!

Charlie

Well, hang on! That's not, like, an official document!

Dee

Uh, well, you signed it in your blood.

Mac

Oh. There it is: "Chrundle", written in blood.

Charlie

Oh, yeah. I was going by Chrundle at the time, wasn't I-

Mac

Nope. No, you were trying to write Charlie, and you wrote Chrundle.

Charlie

No, I was going by Chrundle the Great.

Mac

You came up with that after you miswrote it.

Dennis

Name a Philadelphia celebrity you would like to have a drink with.

Dee

Bill Cosby.

Frank

The cards are a little outdated.

Dennis

I want to talk to you about our future. Can we get into it?

Dee

Yes. Yes!

Dennis

Alright. Here, sit down for a second.

Dee

Okay?

Dennis

'Cuz, in order to do that, I think we're gonna have to get real.

Dee

Yeah, go ahead.

Dennis

And I want to get very real with you right now, and I do that because I feel like I'm always coddling you.

Dee

...Interesting.

Dennis

But that's neither here nor there; I just want to get real with you for a second, okay? So, the acting thing.

Dee

Mhm?

Dennis

It's done... but it's been done for a long time. I mean, you were too old in 2006, you're way too old now, and you're... bad at it.

Dee

...Thank you... for your honesty.

Dennis

Yeah, is- are you cool?

Dee

Oh, so much do I appreciate you for that. That must've been hard for you to say.

Dennis

It was.

Dee

Can I be honest with you?

Dennis

I need you to.

Dee

Right? Okay, so, the veterinarian thing. I feel like the only reason you wanted to be a vet was to keep the skins.

Dennis

What?

Dee

You want to keep the skins, don't you.

Dennis

T-there's no denying that the skins are... fascinating. It's the most fascinating part of the animal- the skin of any animal is the most fascinating part, but that's not why I wanted to become-

Dee

Also, you're going bald.

Dennis

I'm going bald?! What are you talking about-

Dee

In the interest of "being real".

Dennis

Where in the hell am I possibly going bald?!

Dee

In the back of your head-

Dennis

There's no evidence of that!

Dee

There's quite a bit of evidence-

Dennis

No, nah, there's absolutely not- no.

Dee

I'll get two mirrors, I'll show it to you-

Dennis

Don't get mirrors, because, there's- you're not gonna find anything!

Dee

I see fat spilling over the back of your pants on a pretty regular basis.

Dennis

There's no fat there- what the hell are you talking about?!

Dee

I'm just trying to let you know!

Dennis

And by the way, there's no reason why a bald man who enjoys skins - who has a little bit of extra somethin' somethin around his belly - can't be a goddamn veterinarian!

Dee

Okay, you know what?! I CAN ACT!

Dennis

YOU ARE A WRINKLED BITCH!

Dee

Let me tell you something, my characters are great-

Dennis

Okay, stop, stop, stop, stop. I don't want to do this with you, okay? Do you see what's happening?

Dee

We just jumped right back in. We just leaped right back in. Same old place.

Mac

Welcome to my first ever dinner party! I'm gonna have lots of these types of functions in the future - y'know, with my new lifestyle.

Dennis

Wow, you're really just diving right into that, huh? Stereotypes and all.

Mac

Guys, we're gonna have an imaginary meal! I read about this. Yes, if you truly believe it, then it will make you full.

Frank

Can I have a broad with me, with big tits?

Mac

No, because that's gonna force us to imagine stuff we don't want to imagine.

Dennis

Good point.

Charlie

So, get rid of my dog?

Mac

Yeah, no dogs.

Charlie

(kicking) Get out of here! Go on, get out of here!

Dennis

Don't kick it-

Mac

Kick in his skull! We do not allow dogs in our house, right, Dennis?

Dennis

Wh- our house? Why is it our house-

Mac

Okay, now let's get started. Let me set the scene: the food. The menu!

Charlie

Paint a nice picture for us, alright? I'm starving!

Mac

Alright, we're gonna start with, like, a big hunk of chicken. Y'know, like... boiled and skinless, or whatever.

Frank

Huh.

Dennis

Okay...

Mac

And then, um, you're gonna want brown with the white, right? So like, maybe, like... some brown rice? No, no butters or seasoning.

Charlie

Really?

Frank

I want mashed potatoes.

Mac

No! No mashed potatoes, that's just empty carbs.

Dennis

Why can't we just imagine whatever we want?

Mac

Because this is my dinner party!

Dennis

Well, then take us there!

Mac

Alright! Okay, everyone's got something to drink.

Frank

Is it a milkshake?

Mac

No, not milkshakes... Gatorade. And it's gonna be my favorite flavor: blue.

Frank

"Blue" is not a flavor. How am I gonna taste blue?

Mac

Well, just imagine what blue tastes like!

Charlie

It, it tastes like blue.

Mac

Let's just dig in.

Dennis

Can we eat?

Charlie

Yeah, can we eat? Alright.

Charlie

That's kind of tough. D- did you overcook this?

Mac

No, I didn't cook it at all.

Charlie

Y- y-?! (spits out) Spit it out! It's raw, you're going to get sick! Spit it out!

Mac

No, no, don't spit it out! What are you guys doing, you don't need to spit it out! For the love of G- just imagine that it tastes good, okay? Look at Dennis, see?

Dennis

Oh, I'm not imagining your meal. No, I'm imagining a lovely coq au vin... braised with lardons and mushrooms.

Frank

I want that!

Dennis

Well, then have it! It's right in front of you, as is your buxom date, Frank.

Frank

Ah, come here baby-

Charlie

Hey, heeeeeey, she got her foot in my raw chicken! Get your hooker's foot out of my chicken, dude!

Charlie

Alright, relax, nobody's dying.

Dee

That's right, just listen to Charlie. He seems to have his head straight. Calm down-

Charlie

'Cuz we're already dead.

Dee

...Come again?

Charlie

Oh, I figured it out. We're dead, we died... and I don't know when it happened. It might've- it might've happened on the cruise ship, it might've happened on the drive to the cruise ship - you were going awful fast, Dennis. I don't know, maybe it happened weeks ago at the bar, some sort of... colossal and awesome event, I would imagine, but we're dead! And we're in hell, we're just being toyed with, here! Or- or maybe we're not in hell yet, maybe this is purgatory, and we're on our way to be judged. And soon, oh boy... ha ha, yeah, soon we'll really be in hell, won't that be something...

Dennis

Charlie, calm down. It's g- it's gonna be fine, okay? We can't be freaking out every five minutes. Now, look... if we work together, everything's going to be fine! We're gonna get out of here!

Charlie

Nah. We're already dead. I'll prove it. (points flare gun at his head and fires)