Dennis Reynolds quotes from It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

Dennis

That’s weird, because the situation really isn’t funny.

Mac

I know, but the laughing tells me when it’s funny.

Frank

Having those other people laugh tells me when I should laugh.

Dennis

And the music I added makes you know that it’s light!

Frank

You know what, Chet. Can I say something?

Dennis

I think you've said enough

Frank

You have to understand that Boko Haram did not do 9/11. That was Al Queda. Paris, that was ISIS. Boko Haram is focusing... they're doing Africa. There are mosquitoes down there that are bigger terrorist than Boko Haram.

Charlie

All right, fine. I voluntarily stepped in the dog shit so that I would smell of dog shit. Happy?

Dennis

Less happy. Why would it make me happy?

Charlie

I was trying to cover up the smell of the skunk that I let spray me so that there would be no questions.

Dennis

Well, now I have more questions.

Charlie

Of course you do.

Dennis

Like, why did you let a skunk spray you?

Charlie

To cover the smell of cologne, man.

Dennis

Oh, man. You know what? Go to the beginning. Go to the first smell! The first smell that begat all the other smells!

Charlie

The first smell was cigarettes! I 've been smoking with Dee! All right?

Mac

How would you describe the [black] arbiter?

Dennis

Yeah, you know what? We're, uh, we're treading on some very dangerous territory here, buddy.

Charlie

Nigger?

Dennis

Jonathan?

'Sup?

Dennis

What is this? What am I seeing?

This is that gas guzzler I was mentioning. I dunno, think I'm gonna donate it to the fire department or something-

Dennis

C-can- can I... can I purchase it from-? I will purchase it from you. The blue book value, I'll give you double.

Deal!

Dennis

(happily sighs) Begone from me now.

What?

Dennis

Begone from me, you soy boy beta cuck, the transaction is complete.

Dennis, I don't understand-

Dennis

BEGOOOOOOOOONE!

Dennis

Hey, Charlie? Mac?

Charlie

Dennis!

Mac

The cops, the parents - they're all after us!

Charlie

How'd you get a Range Rover?! Just- get in, get in!

Dennis

Yeah, get in.

Charlie

Oh man, we did a bad thing!

Mac

Oh, Jesus...

Charlie

Just get out of here, man! Go, go, go! We did a bad thing, dude! I think I killed a kid!

Mac

He did, I saw him. I think the kid's dead.

Dennis

Shh, shh, shh... doesn't matter. Doesn't matter.

Dennis

Hey! Hey, Dee, Frank, what's up?

Frank

We almost got T-boned by an Asian. It was totally my fault; she did everything by the book. Very surprising.

Frank

Also, Dee banged a kid.

Dee

No, no, I was trying to cuck a bit-!

Dennis

Shhhh, shh, shh, shh. It doesn't matter. It's okay. You're in the Range Rover now. All is well.

Charlie

This is great! This is just great! You know, I'm like, now what are we supposed to all put our teeth in?!

Dee

Our faces? What are you talking about?

Charlie

I'm talking about our legacy! You know, I can't hold on to it, man!

Dennis

Legacy? You wanna talk legacy? You know what our legacy is? Spending our lives in this goddamn bar with a lunatic man who acts like a dog and handles his gun like a maniac!

Charlie

He's not gonna die falling from that height.

Dennis

Whoa, hard disagree, pal. You could absolutely die if you jump from that height.

Charlie

Wha- dude, it's like three stories. It's, like, basic science, y'know, like-

Mac

Uh, I'm sorry, let's not bring science into it, okay? I mean, this is life or death. This is God's territory, alright? I mean, there is no science.

Charlie

What do you mea- what do you mean "there is no science"? I mean, you were just talking about how much you love science and math for predicting your television shows. Wh- why do you not like it in this scenario? Like, do you either believe in science or do you not believe in science?

Mac

I am an American! I can believe in whatever I want in any given moment-

Charlie

I am also an American, okay, though?!

Mac

-based on the argument I'm trying to make!

Charlie

That is not an argument!

Mac

You are not a true American, Charlie!

Charlie

I am more American that you will ever be!

Dennis

Whoa, whoa, whoa, simmer down, guys. Just simmer down, calm down, alright? Dee, stop being so emotional.

Dennis

We could be known as a "suicide bar", and that's no good. I don't want to be that.

Cricket

Yeah, kinda grim. I'd probably take my business elsewhere.

Dee

You don't have business.

Charlie

Oh! What uh, what if you lean into that, though? Right? Like, you don't make it grim, but you make it playful. Like, we start to name drinks after jumpers or whatever, like... "The Last Call".

Dennis

"The Jump Shot".

Dee

"Lemon Drop".

Charlie

There ya go.

Mac

"Cosmo-fall-itan"?

Charlie

Oh, very good!

Dennis

We could become, like, a hot spot for jumpers, y'know? We'd put their pictures up, all around the bar to immortalize them, y'know, turn them into martyrs.

Mac

That's cool- and we'd play music, we'd play music. Uh... "Highway to Hell", "Free Fallin'."

Dee

You know what we could do? We could lean into, like, a- a haunted house kind of bar theme, you know?

Cricket

Yeah, that'd get my business back.

Dee

You don't have business, Cricket!

Dennis

Basically, what we've concluded is that it would actually be good for the bar if this guy jumps and dies, yeah? So the answer to the question of "should we get involved" is... is actually "yes!"

Mac

Yeah, but if- if we stop him, that would be bad for the bar, right Dennis?

Dennis

No, that's not what I'm saying, though. More importantly, that's not what the algorithm is saying. You see, we've already established that this guy wants to die, and that it would actually benefit our bar if he dies. Now, of course, from an emotional standpoint we feel as though we should get involved, we feel as though we should save this guy, but the algorithm is actually telling us that that does not benefit anybody. The algorithm is telling us mathematically, scientifically, that this guy could die, wants to die... and that we should help him do it. That's just math.

Dennis

So, algorithm-wise, what have we learned here today?

Mac

That Dee is a nasty fucking slut.

Charlie

So nasty. She's so nasty.

Dennis

Daisy, Daisy -- bear with me here, okay? I know you didn't create the system, okay? So you are not to blame. But somebody did create the system, and I would very much like to blame that person. So. Who is that?

Sir, I'm sorry, who is--

Dennis

Who is the person who created your customer service system in such a way that the information entered into the computer isn't passed on to the human representative?!

Sir, I don't know. I can send you to one of my supervisors--

Dennis

Nonononono! Don't send me to a supervisor. Daisy, Daisy -- it's just you and me. Just you and me, Daisy! Fighting the good fight against a broken system engineered to drive us both so crazy that we have to take DAYS OFF for our MENTAL! HEALTH!

Welcome to Abbott Elementary, the best elementary school in the universe.

Dennis

Um, what's the deal with all the cameras?

We have, like, a Vanderpump thing going on. Don't worry about it.

Dennis

No. No. I think I'll be spending my time on the other side of the camera. Thank you very much.

Charlie

I got an angle, okay? We go in there, we say that we're the Smuckers Brothers.

Dennis

Why?

Charlie

Well, we're, like, the Smuckers Brothers. We're purveyors of fine jellies and jams from the Deep South.

Dennis

How does that get us closer to the goal?

Charlie

(bad Southern accent) They're gonna be impressed with some jelly magnates.

Mac

I think that you are confusing the Smuckers brothers with the Smothers Brothers, who were a folk singing duo from the '50s.

Dennis

Now, you're not microdosing anymore. You've slipped into macrodosing.

Mac

Macrodosing?

Dennis

Yeah.

Mac

That's cool 'cause it's my name!