(all the wedding guests are acting like zombies after drinking milk laced with bath salts)
Okay, it's time to get out of here. I mean, look at that guy!
PMPappy McPoyle
ALL THE MCPOYLES SPRUNG FROM MY LOINS! FULLY FORMED! ONE OF THEM BABIES... TRIED TO EAT ME! I ATE HIM FIRST! (sobs) I ate him first!
[obviously weirded out by the elder McPoyle's actions] Okay, I'm with Charlie. I'm leaving.
DennisWait. You guys are just gonna leave? You're just gonna go?
[Dennis is giving a speech to the pub.]
Dennis
I learned something very important today and it just dawned on me -- I wanna talk about faith.
Dennis
It's not about whether something is true. Or-or-or based in fact or-or reality or the laws of physics or nature or- or even basic common sense. It's about whether or not we're dumb enough to believe in it that matters. Aw, folks, who the hell am I to say that there is no god? Who am I? Or to say that anybody's belief in the church doesn't make their life better? Maybe it does. Or that this man -- Doctor Jinx... Who am I to say that he can't cure diseases with his sorcery? I don't know. I say maybe he can. And I believe that maybe he can. Ladies and gentlemen, if we believe... If we just believe... Then we can do anything!
[The audience applauds.]
Dennis
Oh, yeah, ladies and gentlemen, I feel it now! Do you feel it? Do you feel the spirit? Do you feel the invisible things around you that don't really exist? Oh, it doesn't matter! Doctor Jinx feels it, yeah!
DJDoctor Jinx
I feel good!
Dennis
We feel magnificent, yeah! And we can cure cancer with plants!
ABAsian Boy
Oh, hey, you must be Mr. LeFeve?
Dennis
Uh, yeah, that's me.
ABAsian Boy
Surprise. I'm all yours. I was told there'd just be one, but I can take both of you. Might get a little sore, but I'll manage.
Okay, well, I'm out of here.
Dennis
Okay. Wait. What? Hey, hey, where you going?
LeFeve's into banging little Asian boys, so we're done, right?
Dennis
If we're gonna do this thing, we need to see things through.
Dennis, are you gonna have sex with a tiny Asian boy?
Dennis
I'm gonna see how far I can go.
SShareholder
Hey, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute. If Brian LeFeve is dead... then who the hell are these people?
Dennis
Just a couple of people who totally got off, bro.
What? You did? Are you serious? Just... during this?
Dennis
Big time, yeah. Oh, yeah, I got off a couple times when we were watching the video presentation. Then when he called me out for not being Brian LeFeve? Whoo, that got me big time. Oh, man, did I get off. Yeah, and then he showed the finger. That was the big one.
A dead finger got you off?
Dennis
That was the climax, really.
Dennis
Oh, my God, it was amazing. It was mostly sexual.
[Witness for the Persecution: Frank Reynolds]
Ladies and gentlemen, distinguished collies, my client Frank here isn't really on trial today, you know. Common sense is on trial... and well, common sense would tell you that eatin' a bowl of cereal while operating a car is- well, it's reckless. It's moronic. One might even call it... donkey-brained.
Dennis
"Donkey-brained"?
It- it means to have the brains of a donkey or a donkey-type creature-
Dennis
Yeah, yeah, yeah, I think I know what it means, guy. But if anything, it's not donkey-brained to drive around with a bowl of cereal, it's donkey-brained to drive around without the use of your vision.
Oh, that's- that's interesting. So you do admit that someone who makes foolish decisions could be considered donkey-brained?
Dennis
Uh- yeah, okay. Sure. Fine.
I'll take it! Now, Frank, if I'm correct, when you were a boy you were admitted into a... mental institution, is that correct?
That's correct. But soon after, it was discovered that I wasn't mentally disabled, so they let me go... and they let me go with the proper paperwork, clearing me of everything.
I would like to add into evidence Article 1. Uh, Mac, will you please read this document?
Mhm. "By the power of the Commonwealth of Pennsylvania, Reid Mental Institution hereby decrees Frank Reynolds to not have... donkey brains". [shows everyone the certificate]
Dennis
What is that?
That is an official document that says "donkey brain" on it?
Well, it's written right here in plain English! Frank, would you like to clear this up for everybody?
Well... all the kids in the neighborhood knew I got sent upstate, so they started calling me Frankie Donkey-Brains, and it was very traumatic. So I got my mommy to drive me back up to the loony bin, where they signed this official certificate exonerating me of all donkey brains.
Dennis
Yeah, great- what does this have to do with anything?
Oh, well, Dennis, if by your own admission someone who has donkey brains could be considered reckless or moronic or idiotic, and my client Frank here has a state-issued certificate clearing him of having said donkey brains, then I ask you this: do... you have any such certificate?
Dennis
...What?
Well, we don't want a donkey on the road eating cereal! We know Frank's not a donkey! How do we know you're not a donkey-brained man?
Dennis
Why would I have a certificate-
You don't have a certificate?
Dennis
No, no, no, the burden of proof is not on me.
The defendant will answer the question!
Dennis
The defendant-? I'm not the defendant!
Just answer the question.
Dennis
...No.
No further questions! [everyone except Dennis puts their gavels on the Trial Meter to Frank's side]
Dennis
You gotta be kidding me- because of that?!
You don't have a certificate. I mean, y'know, what else are we supposed to... you may have donkey brains, I don't know.
Dennis
No one can prove they're not donkey-brained except for him!
I just- I wish you had a certificate.
Dennis
Oh, Dee... Oh! Snyder?
Dennis
He's clearly using you. Or you're using him to further your nonexistent career.
Dennis
Oh, you're not using him?
Dennis
Oh, good, good, good, good. So, you like him?
Dennis
Find him attractive?
Dennis
Describe the ways in which you find him attractive.
[scoffs] He's got... he's got all of his skin still.
Dennis
Well, I would hope so.
And that he has plenty of... teeth... to get...
Dennis
But not all of them?
CCustomer
Hi, can I get a drink?
Hey, I'm Mac. Welcome to Paddy's Pub. I like to recommend to our first timers our signature cocktail, Caribbean Paradise. Some people say it's better than bustin' a nut.
Bustin' a nut. It's like, uh, you know, blowin' your load.
Dennis
Oh, God.
He said it was a funny joke. [pointing to Dennis]
Dennis
Well, no... Hold on.
Yeah, it's like coming all over you. It's light, it's playful.
Dennis
Yeah, well, no, I think what my friend is trying to refer to is an orgasm, which is light and playful, but he overstepped himself and got a little bit too specific.
Sorry. We jizz in the drink and that's what makes it light.
Dennis
No, no, nobody's jizzing on anything.
Dennis
You don't jizz.
How can, how can I orgasm if I don't jizz?
Dennis
No, ma'am, I think what...
Just tell me where I jizz so I can give this lady her drink.
Dennis
Ma'am, what would you like to drink? And we won't jizz on anything.
Not like Mac's ever had an orgasm. [Laughs]
Dennis
Holy shit, you're late.
Dennis
Go back in your light.
Attention, attention, everybody. I got a little ditty about Paddy's Pub. I'm-a siiiing it!
Charlie's doing the song. The song was light. The song was light. That'll lighten things up. Do the song, dude, do the song.
Dennis
Please enjoy this song.
There is a spider, spider Spider. He's deep in my soul, soul. He's lived here for years Years. He just won't let go. He's laying around. He's got a mean bite. Now he's ready To fight...And stand up for what he knows...I don't need your trophies or your gold I just want to tell you all Go fuck yourselves...
Go fuck yourselves...[spits] Ooh, wah-ooh...
Is he spitting? Is he spitting? Oh, he's spitting at them. Is that the sign?
Dennis
That's the sign. Spit! Spit! [The Gang spits on the crowd]
All right, I'm sold. I'm in.
Of course you're buying it, because you're as big of an idiot as she is. You're getting scammed, Dee!
Dennis
You walked into a room that you could have walked out of with a free set of golf clubs, but instead you got got.
Hey, I say we get ourselves a new pair of golf clubs, huh?
Dennis
Yeah, well, we won't get got though. We gonna get. See, Dee, people like us, we don't get got. We go get.
That's right. You won't see us getting scammed.
Dennis
No way. (laughs)
Oh, wow! Oh, there's a man standing on the bridge.
Dennis
What?! Yes, he looks like...Look at that.
Dennis
No, we don't know his name.
His name is Rudy, I believe, you guys.
That's what it was-- Rudy.
Dennis
We don't know what his name is, and that's okay, but we don't know each other. Hi. How are you? Nice to meet you.
Oh, hi, hi, but it looks like he may commit suicide. Suicide is badass.
Dennis
Y'know, I don't know about you guys, and I don't know why this is happening, but I actually feel a lot better.
You look better. You guys all look bett- I'm actually feeling better, too.
How is that even possible? All we've been doing is sitting here and drinking, how could we have gotten better so quickly?
Oh my god, you guys... you guys, we haven't been drinking since we quarantined ourselves in the bar. At least, since we got stuck in the bathroom.
Dennis
Wait, wait, wait, so what are you saying? That... we'd never had the flu, we were just having alcohol withdrawl?
Alcohol withdrawls? That's great!
Is is great? That means we're all alcoholics!
Mmm, right... well, what do we do with that information?
Dennis
What do you do with any information? You just stuff it deep down inside, and - keep an eye on it.
Dennis
I'm certainly not going to stop drinking.
I mean, I physically can't!
Nah, nah, nah, not at this point. We're in- we're in too deep.
Dennis
I mean, I'm a young guy!
We're just kids having fun, right?
It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia · 514 quotes
