DennisWe're gonna call it a hurricane party. It's gonna be cool. It's gonna be awesome, yeah.
W1Women #1
What's a hurricane party?
Dennis
A hurricane party's exactly what it sounds like. It's a party during a hurricane at our bar, Paddy's Pub.
W2Women #2
Oh, I've heard of that bar.
Dennis
Yeah?
[Charlie appears next to Dennis wearing fishing gear and pushing a cart]
Hey! [laughs] Hello! All right, all right! Hi! Crazy, crazy weather coming our way!
DTDennis & The Two Women
Yeah.
You trying to get these girls down to the bunker or...?
Dennis
Oh, no, I'm inviting them back to our very cool bar we own.
Oh, cool, cool. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, we got a sweet bunker, too. Yeah, well...it's like so secure, people can't get in or out if we don't want 'em to. We'll be like totally safe down there. I got a bunch of supplies. You guys like pickled eggs? Sardines, too...
Dennis
[nervous laughter] Yeah, we got a bunch of other, you know, normal food and normal stuff there, too. Yeah. Yeah, it's a great bar. Gonna be free drinks for everybody, so you know, you'll come, you'll party with us, and you can bring your girlfriends too, you know? [laughing] We don't want just the two of you. You got to bring your girlfriends. That's a requirement.
W1Women #1
Sounds like fun. Can our boyfriends come too?
Dennis
Oh. Your boyfriends?
W2Women #2
Yeah, our boyfriends.
Dennis
You two have boyfriends? How did you not know...that the reason I invited you back to my bar...was to bang you? Get out of here! Get the hell out of here! Get--get out of here! Shoo away from me!
W1Women #1
You're a dick.
Dennis
You're a dick! [turns to Charlie] She's a...I'm not a dick.
[reading a question] "Dennis is asshole. Why Charlie hate"?
I don't think I wrote that.
You definitely wrote this one, Charlie. Who else would have written this?
I'm not remembering that. I don't think I wrote that one.
Of course you did. How many other illiterates are in the-- Just throw out a guess.
DDDennis & Dee
Pass, pass?
MFMac & Frank
No, he didn't pass, he didn't pass.
Just throw out a guess. Any guess, come on.
Son of a bitch! All right, chance to steal.
Dennis
[eagerly] Because Dennis is a bastard man!
That's what it is. I definitely wrote that.
We have to blow the sign off of the building-- you know, maybe I'll do the blowing. That's fine.
Dennis
Charlie, Charlie, stop, stop, stop, stop. Do you think a human being can blow a sign off of a building?
I didn't until Mac said it.
Dennis
A man cannot blow a sign off of a building.
In Charlie's defense, you could loosen the screws, get up there and blow...
Dennis
We are talking about the internet. You are derailing the conversation.
LLarson
Mr. Reynolds, Mr. Kelly, I'm detective Larson. I'm gonna need to clear something up on your report here.
Dennis
It doesn't...yeah, we're good.
LLarson
It says here this was filed as an assault, but the only thing that you're claiming was that...this man shushed you?
Yeah, but...it was an assault.
LLarson
Shushing somebody is not an assault.
There was more to it than...
Dennis
He--yeah, it wasn't just shushing though.
Dennis
And the reason it was an assault was because he was shushing our cries for help.
Right! This guy was raping us.
Dennis
W--wha--?
LLarson
He was raping you?
DDetective
The both of you?
Dennis
No! No, no, no, no...
[snort] You can't rape two guys, it's the--
Dennis
I wouldn't even necessarily classify it--
You know, what happened was that he only raped my friend here. I actually shook him off in time, the guy never quite made it inside of me, but my friend here...yeah.
LLarson
So he was only raping you?
Dennis
Yep.
Yeah, yeah. He, like, really kinda made soup of your insides.
Dennis
No, no, no. He barely--he barely made it in there, so trust me, I'm fine.
Yeah, but he bit his dick.
Dennis
Not--what?! No, he did--he--the reason we were going to file as a--a rape was because the--he did make it inside me, but like, just barely, and the guy was super-small, so I'm fine! And then I did get away. [Larson begins taking notes] Well, don't--don't write any of this down! Y--look, can we just drop the case?
Dennis
Right? We just need the drawing.
I didn't even think about that, because if we had the drawing, we can find the guy. We can dole out the justice.
Dennis
And then this never needs to go in any files, anywhere!
Okay, I cannot see the driver's face, but the subject appears to have pointed feet of some kind. Okay, I'm repeating here. He has pointed feet, so careful now.
Dennis
[on walkie talkie] What does that mean? What does that mean?
He's wearing cowboy boots.
TTim
Anyhow, I saw you standing over here alone. I wanted to invite you over to our table.
Dennis
Oh, I won't be going anywhere with you, Tim.
Dennis
Don't you play coy with me, you little bitch. I'm going to stay right here and I'm going to wait for my minions to swarm me, and swarm they will, Tim. Alone you'll be. Ha. Such sad little...games we play, right, Tim?
TTim
Right. Same old Dennis Reynolds. Heh. You look good, Nicki.
Thank you, Tim! Thank you. Seems like a nice guy.
Dennis
He's not. Go! Go away from me!
Dennis
I want to be inside you. I want to do shit to you that is gonna make you realize what a boring, worthless, piece-of-shit your husband really is.
CChristie
Wait a second, I'm confused. Why would you want to have sex with me?
Dennis
Why the hell wouldn't I wanna have sex with you? I mean, bam, bam, boom.
CChristie
Because you're gay.
Dennis
What?! I'm not gay.
CChristie
Dude, you're wearing makeup.
Dennis
Yeah, I'm wearing a little bit of makeup. Who doesn't...
Dennis
Yeah, I wanted to seem thin for the occasion. That's not weird.
CChristie
You've also been gossiping with me for the last twenty minutes.
Dennis
I was speeding through the steps. I have the system that... I was demonstrating value on the dance floor, and then I engaged you physically when I put my hands on your hips. Now I'm nurturing your dependence by letting you talk shit about your boring, worthless, piece-of-shit husband. Then I was gonna take you into an empty broom closet and I was gonna bang the shit out of you. And then I was gonna neglect you emotionally. That's what I do, Christie. And it was working. I was manipulating your feeble little brain into doing what I want. What I want. And then now it's what you want.
CChristie
[getting away] Ew!
Dennis
"Ew," okay, yeah, well, your husband is a liar, how about that, Christie? Yeah, stay with a liar! And a deceiver! [talking to everyone, or no one in particular] Yeah, Tim does not deserve to be the king of the mountaintop! I am the king of the mountaintop! I reign supreme over everyone in this school. I am the golden god of this place. I reign supreme! I! I!
Dennis
Oh-ho-ho, you just couldn't stand it, could you? You couldn't stand Dennis Reynolds...reigning on high! King of all the school! Master of everybody! You couldn't stand it, so you had to turn everybody against me.
TMTim Murphy
Dude, listen to yourself. Nobody turned anybody against you. You were never really that cool to begin with.
AAdriano
Seriously, man. You would just come around saying weird shit about being a golden god or some other insane crap. And referring to all of us as your minions.
TTim
You always acted like you were better than everybody else, but then you'd just go and you'd hang out with Ronnie the Rat or Dirtgrub under the bleachers or behind a Dumpster or something. It was...it was really weird.
Dennis
Okay. Well, if I wasn't the coolest guy in the school, then why did you have to try to tear me down by sleeping with my prom date?
TTim
I didn't sleep with your prom date.
Dennis
YES YOU DID!
TTim
No, I didn't. [points to Mac] Ronnie the Rat did.
Dennis
Wait, what?
TTim
Ronald McDonald slept with your prom date. Did he tell you I slept with her? I never would've slept with that chick. She was gross.
Jesus Christ, Dennis, you're coming in hot!
Dennis
I am the king of the minions, not Tim Murphy, not that jerkoff Adri--jerkoff! (opens a compartment in his car)
What the hell are you doing, man?
Dennis
She rejected me! Me, Frank! Me, the coolest guy in the history of this goddamn school! Oh, they're all gonna pay! THEY'RE ALL GONNA PAY THE ULTIMATE PRICE!
Dude, what's all that stuff you're grabbing?
Dennis
TOOLS! Tools, this is, uh...duct tape, zip ties and gloves! I have to have my tools!
W--Why do you have a bunch of like weird tools in a hidden compartment in your car?
Dennis
Ffffetish, fetish shit! I--I--I--I like to bind, I like to be bound! I--uh...that's not important! D--don't ask me questions. I'm not taking questions. The golden god is not taking questions! I AM THE GOLDEN GOD! I--I'm taking action, I gotta go--
Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait a second, Dennis. Wait a second. I think we can help you, dude.
Dennis
Yeah?
Yeah, we can help each other. We both want the same thing...revenge.
You're gonna be our new Psycho Pete, pal...and guess what? The freight train's back in service!
Let's get nuts in that school. Let's get crazy, alright? Come on, let's get some revenge here!
Dennis
Guys, we're forsaking the group dynamic, okay? And truthfully, Charlie, come on. I mean, nobody wants a wild card, okay? It doesn't make any sense. We don't want a maniac in our group. There's no benefit to it.
Dennis
Uh, I feel like you just agreed with me but you weren't listening to what I was saying.
Yes... [points to Mac and Dennis]
You pointed at me like I said something but I didn't.
Charlie, having someone making wild decisions that make no sense, that benefits nobody.
Dennis
Is he... listen to us? I can't tell-
He- He's listening. He's not understanding.
Yeah, he doesn't even, like, get us, man. It's...
Dennis
We're talking about you!
Dennis
Okay, let's move on from thi-
What do you think is happening right now?!
It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia · 514 quotes
