Dennis Reynolds quotes from It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

Dennis

You are dressed like the Phantom of the Opera. He's not a vampire.

Charlie

He eats theater people.

Dennis

No, he doesn't.

Mac

I think he might.

Frank

He does.

Dennis

Do you even know who the Phantom of the Opera is?

Mac

He might not.

Frank

He doesn't.

Charlie

I don't.

Mac

A lot of great actors have done blackface.

Dennis

There's countless examples of very classy actors doing black face. We got the great C. Thomas Howell in Soul Man. We got the Wayans Brothers in White Chicks. That was a very tasteful example of reverse blackface.

Frank

James Earl Jones is doing a great blackface.

Dennis

Because James Earl Jones has a black face.

Charlie

oh my god i just found a rats nest slaughtered about 200 of them. It's like whole generations of those things have died at my hands. Mothers, fathers, grandfathers, little baby rats.

Dee

Well, you know, keep up the good work.

Charlie

Sometimes, I wonder though, if our lives are really more valuable than theirs. You know what I mean?

Dennis

Yeah they are. Our lives definitely are without a doubt.

Charlie

Are you wearing makeup?

Dennis

I'm always wearing a little bit of foundation but that's not the point.

Dennis

That's all our money!

Charlie

No, it's all my money. You lost your money when you said no to the trucker.

Dennis

You look fat as shit! I'm getting very concerned with the integrity of our organization here. Mac, you have gained 50 pounds of fat.”

Mac

“Mass.”

Dennis

“Fat.”

Mac

“Muscle.”

Dennis

Let's be clear. Fat.”

Mac

“But I'm healthy besides the diabitis.

“Um, no.

Mac

“But I'm more healthier than he is, is the point I think you're trying to make, even with the diabitis.

Dennis

Dude, stop saying "diabitis"! You sound like an ass...

Charlie

"Yeah, me too. I would love to go on a vacation."

Mac

"Yeah but not to the Jersey Shore though. That place sounds like a nightmare."

Dennis

" What's wrong with the Jersey Shore?"

Mac

"Come on, you've seen that TV show. It's just a bunch of sweaty Guidos getting hopped up on energy drinks and giving each other diseases."

Charlie

Hoooooolllllyyyy Shhhittt! Is that the ocean?

Dennis

Yeah buddy that's the ocean.

Charlie

What's on the other side of it there?

Frank

Europe

Charlie

Now how long would it take....

Dennis

Do not try to swim to Europe.

Charlie

Don't swim to Europe.

Dennis

A couple of homeless guys banging each other!

Charlie

I know that, but why?! That's not magical! That's not romantic!

Dennis

[Pointing to women sitting across from them] Like, what's her story? She's got a decent bone structure. She was probably very pretty when she was young. Probably spent her summers here lounging on the beach and scooping ice cream.

Dee

But she didn't want her summers to end, so she got herself a fake ID and a push-up bra and started hanging out at the local bars.

Dennis

Yep. Developed a nasty coke habit 'cause she loved the way it made her feel. Extreme highs gave way to extreme lows and she fell into a depression.

Dee

Had herself a kid. Thought it would give her a sense of purpose. And it did for a while, until she started using again.

Dennis

Mm-hmm. Then social services came knocking on the door, and now the kid lives upstate with his grandparents 'cause she can't take care of this kid. And here she is, festering away in a one-bedroom apartment, waiting for the HIV to turn into AIDS. And wondering what the hell...

You know I can hear you, right?

Dennis

Oh sorry, we were just using you as a metaphor though. We didn't mean anything personal.

Don't sweat it. You're not that far off.

Dennis

Okay, let's talk about the limes, guys.

Charlie

We'll keep emotion out of it.

Dennis

Reason will prevail.

Mac

Reason will prevail!

Charlie

[simultaneously] Reason will prevail!

Dennis

I think the limes should be cut a bit thinner.

Charlie

What the hell! Thin limes?! People will choke! People will die!

Mac

Charlie, Charlie, take emotion out of it--

Frank

Charlie's got a point! One of the cornerstones of Paddy's Pub is thick limes!

Charlie

Yeah, don’t tell me-

Mac

I AM GONNA PUT MY THUMB THROUGH YOUR EYE, YOU LITTLE BITCH!!!!!

Dennis

No, no, shhh. Stay calm, stay--hey, hey, hey. Look at me. Look at me. Stay calm with me, okay? Be unemotional. Let's--let's be democratic. Let’s put this thing to a vote.

Mac

A vote?

Dennis

A vote solves everything in a democracy, does it not?

Mac

...Yes.

Dennis

So, all for thinner limes, raise your hands. [Mac and Dennis raise hands] And all for thicker limes, raise your hands. [Frank and Charlie raise hands] Now there you go. That's a democracy in action. That's two votes against two votes. A perfect example of when democracy...has failed.

Dennis

But I am gonna need a business card, 'cause I want to be able to hand that shit to people so they know that I am in a place of power.

Frank

It's not important.

Dennis

It's important to me, Frank! And I know that what's important to you is money and power, but I don't want real power. Because with real power comes real responsibility, and I don't want any of that shit. I just want the money, and the illusion of power. And puss.

Frank

What?

Dennis

Hell, I don't know, Frank. I don't know, man.

Frank

What? Tell me, tell me.

Dennis

I need something. I mean, I got this, uh...this giant, gaping hole inside me. Oh, and I'm--I'm always trying to fill it with something. I like to call it my, uh, my God hole. And I think a lot of people in this world, they--they fill it with religion. But I don't believe in God.

Frank

But you want to fill it with pussy.

Dennis

Yeah.

Dennis

See, you've all been trying to convince the IRS that Dee's baby is alive. What you really need to be doing is convincing the IRS that Dee's baby is dead.

Mac

This is dark.

Frank

Darkest thing we've ever done.