Dennis Reynolds quotes from It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

What's happening?

Dennis

Well, Gladys, we are at a fair, and you're going to pretend to be my grandmother.

My grandmother had an affair with Susan B. Anthony.

Frank

See, I would have gone in and bought a box of magnum condoms, thus demonstrating I have a monster dong.

Dennis

Right, that comes off a little bit desperate, Frank.

Dennis

You mean to tell me you got you face painted like a god damn frog person with no ulterior motive?

I'm a lizard!

Dennis

What are you doing here?

Mac

Oh, I'm doing the MAC.

Dennis

The MAC?

Mac

Yeah, The MAC: Move in After Completion.

Dennis

Whoa, what the hell are you doing here?

Mac

I'm swooping in on your chick.

Dennis

Wha-? No, dude, I'm trying to re-D.E.N.N.I.S. this chick so I can shove it in Dee's face. What is this "swooping in" business?

Mac

Oh, that's my system, the M.A.C.: Move-in After Completion. I wait 'til you're done with them and I swoop in, give 'em a shoulder to cry on and then we hump.

Dennis

You've been humping these girls after I'm done with them?

Mac

Oh yeah, dude! I come in as the sensitive intellectual type. Why do you think I'm always reading books and shit when we do the spider routine?

Dennis

I thought you were just my wingman.

Mac

No...no, I'm swimming in your wake.

Frank

What are you two dickheads doing here?

Dennis

What are you doing here?

Frank

What do ya mean? I'm here for the scraps.

Mac

Frank, I haven't had a chance to get in there yet, okay? So just--

Frank

What do you--what's taking you so long?!

Dennis

Wait. Wait, wait, wait, you have a system where you come in after Mac?

Frank

That's right. I come in after Mac, but he's taking like forever this time. I got my magnum condoms, I got my wad'a hundreds, I'm ready to plow!

Mac

You should see him feast. He's like a mantis. It's amazing.

Frank

Oh, that's good. Call me that from now on. Mantis.

Dennis

No! Nobody's calling you Mantis-- [Frank makes mantis noises] Look, you guys gotta back off, okay? I'm trying to re-D.E.N.N.I.S. this chick.

Frank

No, you back off--

Mac

Wait, wait, wait a second, Frank. He's right, it's a delicate ecosystem, we gotta--we gotta stick with it. Just let him do his thing and then we'll come in for seconds...and scraps. Just play it cool. Hurry up though.

Dennis

Magnum condoms and a wad of hundreds. Idiot.

Dennis

My personal go-to is to create a fictional angry neighbor who's threatening her and tell her you'll take care of him. Hit up a payphone so she can't trace the call back to you. Give her a call and say something along the lines of "I'm watching you, you bitch, you're gonna die tonight!"

Dee

Oh my God, you're a complete sociopath!

Dennis

Don't interrupt.

Dee

You stabbed me! You stabbed me with a key! Why would you do that, you idiot?! I was flirting with you!

[pointing to Charlie] That guy paid me to.

Charlie

[pointing to Dee] You weren't supposed to stab her! [pointing to the waitress] You were supposed to stab her!

[shocked] What?! You were going to have me stabbed?!

Charlie

[annoyed] I was going to protect you from the stabbing!

Dennis

Wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong! WRONG! You're supposed to let her get stabbed, hope that it hits a main artery, and as she's dying, you nurse her back to health, thereby making her totally dependent on you! See, this is why nobody should be going off my system!

Dennis

And then he smells crime again, he's out busting heads. Then he's back to the lab for some more full penetration. Smells crime. Back to the lab, full penetration. Crime. Penetration. Crime. Full penetration. Crime. Penetration. And this goes on and on and back and forth for 90 or so minutes until the movie just sort of ends.

Frank

That is brilliant, that is the most brilliant movie I've ever heard in my life!

Charlie

I think the audience is gonna be very uncomfortable seeing Dolph Lundgren's naked penis going in to this young girl that you're talking about.

Dennis

Yeah, just to be clear though, I don't care either way.

Dennis

You know guys, I think this means that we've been relying on our parents too much, and we need to stick together and make our own Christmas good!

Mac

Dude you're right! Listen I got something to do, but we're gonna do it together!

Dennis

The whole purpose of buying the boat in the first place was to get the ladies nice and tipsy top side, so we can take them to a nice comfortable place below deck, and you know, they can't refuse...because of the implication.

Mac

Okay you had me goin' there for the first half. The second half kinda threw me.

Dennis

Well dude, think about it. She's out in the middle of nowhere, with some dude she barely knows. She looks around and what does she see? Nothing but open ocean. "Ah there's nowhere for me to run! What am I gonna do, say no?"

Mac

Okay. That seems really dark.

Dennis

It's not dark, you're misunderstanding me, bro.

Mac

I think I am.

Dennis

Yeah, you are. Because if the girl said 'no', then the answer is obviously 'no'. But the thing is she is not gonna say no. She would never say 'no', because of the implication.

Mac

Ok, now that's the second time you've said that word, what implication?

Dennis

The implication that things might go wrong for her if she refuses to sleep with me. Not that things are gonna go wrong for her, but she's thinking that they will.

Mac

... But it sounds like she doesn't want to have sex with you..

Dennis

Why aren't you understanding this?

Mac

Let's talk needs first. Now I have the need for speed. It's very important, it's inherent, there is nothing I can do about it. So speed is a must.

Dennis

Absolutely, but we are also looking to entertain guests on this boat.

Mac

Yeah, we're gonna throw some P-Diddy style parties up on the deck.

Charlie

Can we talk shrimp for a minute. I'd like the boat to be able to haul in a tremendous amount of shrimp. Sort of a Forrest Gump amount of shrimp.

Mac

You should be writing this down.

Dennis

Why are you not writing this down?

Let me just see if i have this right here. Correct me if I'm wrong. It seems like what you guys are looking for P. Diddy style of shrimping vessel.

Charlie

You're a really good listener and I didn't peg you for one when we came in here because of the pinky ring.

Mac

I got us some turpentine, some wax and some high-gloss boat paint. This shit is really expensive.

Dennis

Aw, dude, you're telling me. I picked us up some new slacks and docksiders, so we could have the right look. Y'know, fit in and everything? We're running pretty low on remaining dick towel money though.

Mac

Plus, we gotta fill that thing up with gas.

Dennis

I know, man. We gotta pop by the department store, pick up the mattress--and I wanna get a nice one, too.

Mac

Wait, the--the what? The mattress? What do we need a mattress for?

Dennis

What do you mean, "what do we need a mattress for?" Why in the hell do you think we just spent that money on a boat? The whole purpose of buying the boat in the first place was to get the ladies nice and tipsy topside, so we can take them to a nice, comfortable place below deck, and you know, they can't refuse...because of the implication.

Mac

Oh. Uh, okay...you had me goin' there for the first part, the second half kinda threw me.

Dennis

Well, dude, think about it. She's out in the middle of nowhere, with some dude she barely knows. She looks around, and what does she see? Nothing but open ocean. "Aaah, there's nowhere for me to run! What am I gonna do, say no?"

Mac

Okay, heh. That seems really dark though.

Dennis

Nah, no, it's not dark. You're misunderstanding me, bro.

Mac

I think I am. Heh heh.

Dennis

Yeah, you are. Because if the girl said "no", then the answer obviously is no.

Mac

"No", right.

Dennis

But the thing is, she's not gonna say "no". She would never say "no", because of the implication.

Mac

...Now, you've said that word "implication" a couple of times. W--what implication?

Dennis

The implication that things might go wrong for her if she refuses to sleep with me. Now, not that things are gonna go wrong for her, but she's thinking that they will.

Mac

...But it sounds like she doesn't want to have sex with you.

Dennis

Why aren't you understanding this? She doesn't know whether she wants to have sex with me, it's--that's not the issue--

Mac

Are you gonna hurt women?

Dennis

I'm not gonna hurt these women! Why would I ever hurt these women? I feel like you're not getting this at all!

Mac

I'm not getting it.

Dennis

Goddamn! [to old woman staring at him] Well, don't you look at me like that. You certainly wouldn't be in any danger.

Mac

So, they are in danger--

Dennis

No one's in any danger! How can I make that any more clear to you, okay? It's an implication of danger!

Dennis

So, uh, Dennis and Dee Reynolds here, we are talking about the homeless issue here in Philly, that's a big issue these days and we're here with our friend Cricket, he is a homeless man. Cricket, walk us through a day in your life.

Rickety Cricket

A day in the life-- well, the other morning, I wake up and I find a dog sniffin' at my wound. He's fully aroused - mind you - so I'm thinking "oh great, what does this jerk want?" Of course I know what he wants, he's looking at me right in the eyes, he does not have to say it - not that he could. [Starts sucking on a lemon] Urrggghhhh that is- that is tart! That is really tart. I mean does my scar look like a dog's vagina? You know, maybe, I don't know, I'm not going to sit here and try to get inside the mind of a dog! I mean that's God's work. Well, not that I believe in God, I don't. Not since that chinaman stole my kidney.

I am not leaving here until you apologize to me.

Dennis

Yeah, well, you're going to be here for a while.

Frank

I'll give you fifty bucks if you take your top off... and drink soup out of my shoe.

Dennis

It's fatness, plain and simple. It's a person becoming fat before your very eyes.

Charlie

And I don't even know how to make the bird jokes anymore. They no longer apply.

Dee

I'm not fat, I'm pregnant!

Mac

I feel like you say that all the time now.

Frank

You better do yourself a favor and flush it out.

Charlie

Wait a second, you definitely said that before.

Mac

Since we're all saying things we say all the time. I'll just reiterate. Dee, we don't care about you, or your body, or that baby bird.