Charlie Kelly quotes from It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

Dennis

You put the bar up as a prize?

Charlie

No, check again - I put the bar under the pride section, the things that you're proud of.

Dennis

Pride section?

Dee

It's a Z, Charlie - prize!

Frank

Didn't you read that goddamn thing?

Charlie

I gave it a once-over!

Mac

Your illiteracy has screwed us again, Charlie.

Charlie

Your illiteracy is screwing us, man!

Dee

Aww! Not only did I get Charlie to eat a drug filled brownie. I got everybody in here to do it. Okay? Pretty soon people are going to be dropping like flies and it's just gonna be me and you two jerks. Good luck with those kegs boners.

Charlie

Bitch.

Frank

Don't even joke about hunting no man.

Dennis

Who's joking? I'm not joking.

Frank

Oh yeah? Well, I was hunted once. I'd just came back from 'Nam. I was hitching through Oregon and some cop started harassing me. Next thing you know, I had a whole army of cops chasing me through the woods! I had to take 'em all out--it was a bloodbath!

Charlie

That's 'Rambo', dude.

Frank

What?

Charlie

You just described the plot of 'Rambo'.

Dennis

Yeah, and come to think of it, that's not the first time you've described your life in the way of John Rambo's life.

Dee

Frank. Frank. Hey, Frank.

Charlie

Hey, man. Hey, Frankie!

Dee

Hey, Frank, good to see you!

Charlie

Good to see you, man. Hey, look, can you get us some more of that human meat?

Dee

Bodies, please!

Frank

Are you still going on about the meat? I didn't feed you human meat. It was a raccoon.

Charlie

What?

Dee

What?

Frank

You ate raccoon meat. I told you it was people because I wanted to freak you out, because you're stealing my food.

Charlie

No! No, no. No, no. Then why am I always hungry? And stomach pains? And nothing satisfies the hunger?

Frank

You probably got a tapeworm. That coon meat is lousy with parasites.

Mac

How are we suppose to scale back our energy costs when you are filling this generator with gasoline?

Dennis

Yeah bro, since when did you start running the bar on a gas generator?

Charlie

About a week ago. I've been doing it for about a week.

Dennis

Why would you do that?!

Charlie

Well because you know electricity is so expensive man. So I figured let's get a generator and you know run the bar on it.

Dennis

Are you kidding me?! Gasoline is like a thousand times more expensive than electricity!

Mac

You know what Charlie, you shouldn't be making these decisions anyway, okay? You're not the decision making type. As the brains of this organization, I should have made this decision.

Dennis

Hey, whoa, whoa, I'm sorry. Since when did you become the brains?

Mac

Uhh...I'm sorry. I've always been the brains.

Dennis

What?! What are you talking about? I thought I was the brains. What the hell am I?

Mac

You're the looks.

Dennis

Well, yeah, of course I'm the looks, but I always thought of myself as the brains and the looks.

Mac

No, you're the looks, I'm the brains, and Charlie is the wildcard. That's...

Charlie

Whoa! That's awesome.

Mac

Yeah! Yeah, that's the classic setup. You know this, no? Look, every great crew in history has followed that basic dynamic, right? Looks, brains, wildcard. Think about it! The A-team did it. Scooby Doo did it. The Ghostbusters did it!

Charlie

Oh shit!

Mac

Yes! Right? Our problem is that we don't stick to that basic format and it gets us in trouble.

Dennis

So what you're saying is that by breaking from that format, we're actually limiting our ability to be as successful as those organizations.

Charlie

You're totally right, dude.

Mac

Great, onto the matter at hand. We're getting plowed in the ass by the oil companies and the gas companies with their ten gallon hats and their rotten ass-plowing hearts. So, as the brains of this organization, I came up with a plan.

Dennis

Lay it on us, bud.

Mac

It involves us pulling up our bootstraps, oiling up a couple of asses, and doing a little plowing of our own. [long pause] Not gay sex.

Charlie

Ah...okay, 'cause that's what it sounded like. What did you mean...

Mac

We're gonna solve the gas crisis!

Charlie

Oh, good!

Dennis

Alright, well just let me do the talking.

Charlie

Well, I feel like you got to at least talk with a southern accent, man. [rings doorbell]

Dennis

No, I'm not going to talk in a southern accent. It's bad enough that you wore this stupid "disguise."

Charlie

But we're oil men! We would have southern accents.

Dennis

Yeah, but we don't need bolo ties and stupid hats...

Charlie

Yes, we do! She's gonna...

Dennis

Hello ma'am. Well, uh, what a lovely house dress.

Charlie

Yeah, well you're lookin' all sorts o' good!

Dennis

Now, you seem like a sweet, sophisticated, nice, busy young lady so we're not going to waste your time today.

Charlie

Nah, we're just a couple oil men in from Dallas and well, heh, we're itching like a hound to give you ah somethin' you want.

Dennis

Heh, what my associate is trying to say is that we're here to offer your community a much needed service...

Charlie

Hells yeah! We want to fill you up if you so inclined to let us.

Dennis

Please let me do the talking. Please.

Charlie

Now, we ain't gonna take no for an answer now you here, heh. Okay? So don't be making me sick my associate on your here, alright? He don't take kindly to no. So, can I fill you up or what?

Charlie

Ya, best get to steppin' cause Johnny Law's a-comin'!

Dennis

Yeah, you might want to start driving because she called the cops on us.

Mac

Why's he talking like that?

Dennis

Well wildcard over here decided to lose his mind.

Charlie

Now I say, I say that's just damn preposterous, boy!

Dennis

Now you're just talking like Foghorn Leghorn!

Mac

Alrigh guys, I think it's time we just cut our losses and go back to the original plan.

Charlie

Ah, the generator!

Mac

No, not the generator! Storing the gas at Paddy's.

Charlie

Alright.

Mac

It's too soon to sell this gas anyway. Just shut the door.

Go go go...

Charlie

Okay okay...

Mac

Wait...the brakes...the brakes aren't working.

Frank

The gas pedal...

Mac

Brakes aren't working. No, I'm saying...no, the brakes.

Frank

Wiggle it, it gets better...

Mac

Guys, why aren't the brakes working!

Charlie

Because I cut the brakes! Wildcard, bitches! Yeeeeehaaaaw!!! [jumps out of the back of the van]

Charlie

I'm gonna go pick up some diguises.

Dennis

Why?

Charlie

So people don't know who we are.

Dennis

People already don't know who we are!

Mac

Wait, the brakes...the brakes aren't working.

Frank

The gas pedal...

Mac

Brakes aren't working. No, I'm saying..nno, the brakes.

Frank

Wiggle it, it gets better.

Mac

Guys, why aren't the brakes working?!

Charlie

BECAUSE I CUT THE BRAKES! WILDCARD, BITCHES! YEEEEEEEEEEHAAAAAAAAAAW!!! [jumps out of the back of the van after kicking the trunk door open, as the rest of the group immediately abort the plan and get out of the runaway van]

Mastersfield steps up behind the tee, eight strokes behind the leader. Hole number 17, 338 yards, dogleg left.

Charlie

Later dudes. S you in your As, don't wear a C, and J all over your Bs.

Mac

Why would he not wear a C?

Dennis

I don't even know what he's talking about half the time, bro.

Charlie

Just got a couple long-range walkie-talkies.

Dennis

Oh, cool. Did you get one for me?

Charlie

I... diiiid... noooot.

Charlie

Dude...[reaches in mouth]

Mac

No...stop! Don't do it. Oh my God.

Mac

How? How is that possible?!?

Charlie

I don't know.

Mac

Just put it down.

Charlie

Do you think they're my baby teeth?

Mac

Put it with the other ones.

Mac

You're not going to be able to eat this hot dog.

Charlie

I'll suck it down.

You're claiming that your father threatened to, quote, eat the living shit out of you.

Mac

Uh, that is correct.

Mr. Kelly, in your sworn statement to police, you claimed the prisoner told you that if you didn't, quote, jam a bunch of stuff in your butt, he was going to rape you so hard the room would stink.

Then, he was going to, quote, eat your butt and your son's butt in the stink, until his stomach was full of your... butts. Is this correct?

Charlie

That is also correct.