Surprise, bitches! We're alive and it's blowing your minds right now!
CharlieHahahahahaha!
No, it is not blowing our minds at all. I knew you guys were alive.
Charlie
Huh?
Yeah, I knew you guys were alive, okay? I figured it out right before the funeral.
'Cause I could hear you guys rustling around in the vents. You were speaking at full volume. Okay? Did you think you were being like crafty? And I could see you staring at me through the window. You know I can see through my windows, right? I wanted to piss you off.
Well what about me? Did you want to piss me off?
Uhh...you I thought might have actually been murdered.
Charlie
So hold on a second. So, Frank, you knew too?
Yeah...[meekly nodding] I knew.
Charlie
And some of this stuff you've been doing with this mannequin here, that's like uh...to teach me a lesson or...?
Charlie
Did I see you bang that thing?
I did 'em all! I did all the poops!
Yeah, I did every one of them, I even did one while she was wrapping up right here!
(Frank points towards some poop on the floor. The Gang reacts in disgust as Frank laughs)
Charlie
Why would you do that, dude?!
All right, just sign this paper saying that we didn't kidnap you at all, and you can be on your way with all of our stuff.
[Charlie hits him over the head with a beer bottle]
DUDE! Why did you do that?
Charlie
I really don't like this guy!
This is the perfect opportunity! I'm gonna hang out in his office and pretend I'm the new guy.
Charlie
Uh, I don't think that's gonna work, dude.
Uh, have you seen The Secret of My Succe$s?
Charlie
Uhhh, they're gonna catch on to you.
Uhhh, yeah, but before they do, I will come up with an idea that'll save the company millions and they'll be forced to promote me!
Charlie
Uhhhhhhhh, are you sure? How's that movie end, dude?
Uhhhh...I can't remember it. Oh, Yeah! He bangs that old lady, and then they play that song from the 80's. "Day Bow Bow".
Charlie
What the hell's "Day Bow Bow"?
[singing Yello's "Oh Yeah"] Day Bow Bow. Chik. Chik-chika!
Charlie
You wanna talk about stress? You wanna talk about stress?! OK! I've stumbled onto a major company conspiracy, Mac--how 'bout that for stress?
What the hell are you talking about?
Charlie
This company is being bled like a stuck pig, Mac, and I've got a paper trail to prove it. Check this out. [Goes to a wall covered in paper and string] Take a look at this.
Charlie
That right there is the mail. Now let's talk about the mail. Can we talk about the mail, please, Mac? I've been dying to talk about the mail with you all day, OK? "Pepe Silvia," this name keeps coming up over and over again. Every day Pepe's mail is getting sent back to me. Pepe Silvia! Pepe Silvia! I look in the mail, and this whole box is Pepe Silvia! So I say to myself, "I gotta find this guy! I gotta go up to his office and put his mail in the guy's goddamn hands! Otherwise, he's never going to get it and he's going to keep coming back down here." So I go up to Pepe's office and what do I find out, Mac? What do I find out?! There is no Pepe Silvia. The man does not exist, okay? So I decide, "Oh shit, buddy, I gotta dig a little deeper." There's no Pepe Silvia? You gotta be kidding me! I got boxes full of Pepe! All right. So I start marchin' my way down to Carol in HR and I knock on her door and I say, "Carol! Carol! I gotta talk to you about Pepe." And when I open the door what do I find? There's not a single goddamn desk in that office! There...is...no...Carol in HR. Mac, half the employees in this building have been made up. This office is a goddamn ghost town.
OK, Charlie I'm going to have to stop you right there. Not only do all of these people exist, but they've been asking for their mail on a daily basis. It's all they're talking about up there. Jesus Christ, dude, we are going to lose our jobs.
Charlie
Well, calm down because here's one thing that's not going to happen.
Charlie
We're not gonna get fired.
Charlie
Because we've already been fired.
Charlie
Yeah. About 3 days ago a couple pink slips came in the mail. One for you and one for me. So what did I do? I mailed them halfway to Siberia.
If we've lost our jobs, then that means we've lost our health insurance. That means all of this was for nothing! Goddammit, dude, I am having a panic attack. I am actually having a panic attack.
Charlie
Well, will you settle down and have another cup of coffee?
Charlie
All right, well, fine. You know what, Barney? Give this guy a cigarette, he's freakin' out. [turns to a man in black trench coat and hat standing next to him]
Charlie
Barney. He's the one who tipped me off to Pepe Silvia.
Barney? Who the hell is Barney?
Charlie
You don't see the...[Looks around and Barney's disappeared] Holy shit! Where the hell did he go? [Yello's "Oh Yeah" comes on in the background] Day Bow Bow.
You've lost your mind! You've lost your goddamned mind, Charlie. [Cha. Chika-chika!]
[aiming a gun at a pumpkin on Frank's head] Ready?
Charlie
[comes running in] Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Do not shoot that pumpkin! What are you doing!?
I stole a bunch of guns! I'm testing them out, Charles! This revolution is gonna make us a fortune!
Charlie
All right, well, leave the pumpkin out of it, the pumpkin's innocent.
Charlie
Do not shoot the pumpkin, please.
Charlie
Gimme the gun.
Charlie
Why is the witch slave shooting at you, anyway?
Maybe she used her sorcery.
Sorcery?! Your dumb dick partner walked into the bar, said he stole a bunch of guns, and asked if I wanted to shoot a pumpkin off his head. Of course I did, so here we are.
Damn your necromancy, woman!
Charlie
Maybe if we shoot you, you won't feel it anyway, witch.
You know what? OK, you guys. I tell you what, you win! I'm a witch, OK? I'm a witch and I curse both of you and all of your stupid guns!
Charlie
[points gun at Dee and pulls trigger but gun malfunctions]
Charlie! Goddammit! [storms off]
Charlie
She cursed the gun!
[aims at the door Dee walked through and pulls trigger] She put a curse on the gun!
Charlie
[pulls out another gun] Let's try this one. [aims at Frank and pulls trigger]
Charlie
Try me! [strikes a pose]
[pulls trigger but still nothing happens]
Charlie, don't screw me like this, come on.
Charlie
Don't screw you? Oh, I'm sorry, Dee, let me try and remember something. Let's see, was it, did Dee write a musical and come to Charlie with it? No! Charlie wrote a musical and came to Dee with it, and the gang. And the gang likes to screw it up and make it about themselves, and take it away from Charlie, and ruin his hopes and dreams. So let me tell you something, Dee, let me break down a scenario for you. I could cut the song, OK, because I wrote it. I could have Artemis do the song, OK, because you did not write it. Or I could strap on a wig and I could do the song myself. So you tell me, Little Miss All That, what do you want to do? Song or no song?
You gotta pay the troll toll to get into this boy's hole. You gotta pay the troll toll to get in. You want this baby boy's hole, you gotta pay the troll toll.
Charlie
Stop, stop, stop. All right not bad, good rhythm, love the enthusiasm. I feel like you're saying "boy's hole", and it's clearly "soul". And I know, Artemis, you did write "soul", right?
[writing on her script] I did write "soul". I definitely did.
Also I wrote a song and I'm gonna throw it in there.
Charlie
I swear to god if you do that I'll-
Too bad, its gonnnnaaa happen! Its gonna happen!
Charlie
I will smack your face, off of your face!!
Charlie, can I bring something up?
Charlie
Yes.
Um, I think we have to be very careful about how we do the rape scene.
Charlie
W--what on God's green earth are you talking about? There's no rape scene.
...Well, sure. I pay the troll toll and then I rape Dennis. Classy--
Charlie
No, you don't rape him, you become him! You do not rape him.
Charlie
No! [sighs] Look, let me just walk you guys through this, okay? Here's what happens: once you've paid the toll, I want you to come over to Dennis over by his bed here, okay?
I'll be- I'll be lying back-
You want me to cross the stage?
Charlie
Yes.
Alright, this is a great opportunity to showcase some skills, just put on a clinic--
Charlie
I--I'd rather you didn't? I'd rather you didn't.
Well, I think the people are gonna want to see that... and then, I hop up like a cat. [jumps up] Like so. Meow.
Charlie
Oh, Jesus Christ, let's leave it at that. Okay, once he gets near you, you have to sense him, okay? Suddenly, you sense him.
What if I were to position him in a way where I get behind him, and then Frank could throw that blanket that he's got right there over us? And then that way you can't see the penetration.
That's a good idea. You know what, Charlie? Because the blanket will make the raping--I'm sorry, the, uh...sexing from behind feel more classy.
That's good. And then what I could do is thrust this way, and you can struggle.
No, no, of course we shouldn't bash these people up. Look, OK, absolutely, we could cave the husband's skull in here. Yes, we could take the wife down to the basement, have a frenzied free-for-all with her. We could tie the kids up in their little rooms upstairs, so they wouldn't hear anything.....
In that scenario you'd have to kill the kids because they would have seen our faces.
Right; we could smear the walls with their blood, guys... There are any number of twisted scenarios that could play out here. But the easiest thing, really, is to just go get the deed.
Charlie
Right, why get weird?
It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia · 514 quotes
