Charlie Kelly quotes from It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

Charlie

We're both men of the law. You know. We get after it. You know, we jabber jaw, we go tit for tat. We have our little differences. But at the end of the day, you win some, I win some, and there's a mutual respect left over between us.

Charlie

I'll just regress, because I feel I've made myself perfectly redundant.

Charlie

Hello, Charlie Kelly here, local business owner and cat enthusiast. Is your cat making too much noise all the time? Is your cat constantly stomping around driving you crazy? Is your cat clawing at your furnitures? Think there's no answer? You're so stupid! There is! Kitten Mittons. Finally, there is an elegant, comfortable mitten for cats…. I couldn't hear anything! Is your cat one-legged? Is your cat fat, skinny, or an in-between? That doesn't matter! Cause one size fits all! Kitten Mittons! You'll be smitten! So come on down to Paddy's Pub. We're the hoooooooommee of the original Kitten Mittons. Meeeeeeeeeeowwwww!

Charlie

Cats do not abide by the laws of nature.

Charlie

Cat in the wall, eh? Ok, now you're talking my language. I know this game.

Charlie

[holding a cat] This little lady is a calico cat. All calico cats are female.

Charlie

I never thought I'd ever say this in my life, but it's weird sleeping without a cat in my bed

Charlie

(Concerned) What the hell happened down there; some kind of horse massacre?

Charlie

You keep on using this word "jabroni" and... it's awesome.

Charlie

If animals have taught me anything, it's that you can easily die and very quickly under a bus and on the side of the road.

Charlie

This is for the rats!

Charlie

“The other day we were hanging out under the bridge, we found a box of denim, and I'm like "these look like good jeans in here," and (Frank)'s like "Wanna split them with me 50/50?" That's a nice thing to do.”

Charlie

These are glass?

Charlie

God dammit! I can't do this! I'm sorry, Dad! I can't do it... This isn't fair. I shouldn't have to carry you up this hill! You never carried me up a hill! You never picked me up from school, you didn't read me bedtime stories... you didn't carry me on your shoulders. You didn't bounce me on-- You weren't there! And I needed you! I needed you there! You were supposed to carry me! You were supposed to carry me! I'm glad-- I'm glad you're dead! I'm glad you're dead! Now I don't have to spend the rest of my life waiting for you to pick me up!

Mac

[to Sweet Dee and Charlie] Are you two seeing this?

Dennis

[gayly] ...boys are out tonight, huh?

Mac

This is unbelievable. What the hell is going on here? You got black women crawling all over you, and this Mary over here is the belle of the ball. Why do these people like you guys so much?

Charlie

Well dude, it's not that they like us, it's that they don't like you. You know why? Uhh... because you're an asshole!