He's not gonna die falling from that height.
Whoa, hard disagree, pal. You could absolutely die if you jump from that height.
Wha- dude, it's like three stories. It's, like, basic science, y'know, like-
Uh, I'm sorry, let's not bring science into it, okay? I mean, this is life or death. This is God's territory, alright? I mean, there is no science.
What do you mea- what do you mean "there is no science"? I mean, you were just talking about how much you love science and math for predicting your television shows. Wh- why do you not like it in this scenario? Like, do you either believe in science or do you not believe in science?
I am an American! I can believe in whatever I want in any given moment-
I am also an American, okay, though?!
-based on the argument I'm trying to make!
You are not a true American, Charlie!
I am more American that you will ever be!
Whoa, whoa, whoa, simmer down, guys. Just simmer down, calm down, alright? Dee, stop being so emotional.
We could be known as a "suicide bar", and that's no good. I don't want to be that.
Yeah, kinda grim. I'd probably take my business elsewhere.
Oh! What uh, what if you lean into that, though? Right? Like, you don't make it grim, but you make it playful. Like, we start to name drinks after jumpers or whatever, like... "The Last Call".
We could become, like, a hot spot for jumpers, y'know? We'd put their pictures up, all around the bar to immortalize them, y'know, turn them into martyrs.
That's cool- and we'd play music, we'd play music. Uh... "Highway to Hell", "Free Fallin'."
You know what we could do? We could lean into, like, a- a haunted house kind of bar theme, you know?
Yeah, that'd get my business back.
You don't have business, Cricket!
Basically, what we've concluded is that it would actually be good for the bar if this guy jumps and dies, yeah? So the answer to the question of "should we get involved" is... is actually "yes!"
Yeah, but if- if we stop him, that would be bad for the bar, right Dennis?
No, that's not what I'm saying, though. More importantly, that's not what the algorithm is saying. You see, we've already established that this guy wants to die, and that it would actually benefit our bar if he dies. Now, of course, from an emotional standpoint we feel as though we should get involved, we feel as though we should save this guy, but the algorithm is actually telling us that that does not benefit anybody. The algorithm is telling us mathematically, scientifically, that this guy could die, wants to die... and that we should help him do it. That's just math.
Daisy, Daisy -- bear with me here, okay? I know you didn't create the system, okay? So you are not to blame. But somebody did create the system, and I would very much like to blame that person. So. Who is that?
DDaisy
Sir, I'm sorry, who is--
Who is the person who created your customer service system in such a way that the information entered into the computer isn't passed on to the human representative?!
DDaisy
Sir, I don't know. I can send you to one of my supervisors--
Nonononono! Don't send me to a supervisor. Daisy, Daisy -- it's just you and me. Just you and me, Daisy! Fighting the good fight against a broken system engineered to drive us both so crazy that we have to take DAYS OFF for our MENTAL! HEALTH!
