[Ted and Robin clash over the apartment Quinn is subletting, and Robin lays out the real reason why she wants it so bad]
Hasn't it ever occurred to you that the last few weeks haven't been easy for me either? In the span of one day, my engagement fell apart, I lost my best friend, then I lost my apartment, and now, I'm about to lose my job.
I've been completely distracted at work, and now my boss wants to see me Friday at five o'clock, which in the office is known as "Fire o'clock."
How could you? The one person I want to talk to most barely looks me in the eye anymore, much less returns my calls. Ted, I know it took guts to tell me you love me and I know how much it hurt that I didn't say it back, but ... damn it, this sucks for me too. I miss you. Is there any way we could just ... go back to normal?
I don't think I can do normal anymore.
And now to seal this sacred vow, the two ladies will kiss.
The two ladies will kiss!
[Robin and Lily kiss and Robin tries to pull away, but Lily keeps kissing her]
And now the gentlemen! [Marshall and Ted kiss] I was going to say "And now the gentlemen bump fists." How long you been holding back that one?
[In 2003, Ted comforts Marshall about making it into law school, but in 2006...]
...and look what happened. You got into law school just like I said you would. See? Things aren't so bad.
[cries] Lily left me...and now I'll never have a mustache!!!
[Barney takes offense at Ted's prediction of him in 2015]
Wa-wa-wait a minute. Who's Melanie?
Come on, if there's one thing I can count on not changing, it's you walking with some random girl under your arm.
No. No, I don't want that. For the first time in my life, I don't want to find myself in three years with some random girl, no matter how many boobs she has. I want to be with Quinn. [heads for the door] Guys, you're gonna see a lot more of Quinn.
We've been to the Lusty Leopard, we've seen plenty.
I kinda walked into that one. Alright, byebye.
[Ted is fed up with Barney's proposals for Legendary nights and demands why he wants it so bad]
Because...I'm dating a stripper.
Yeah, I've seen the bus ad. I get it.
No you don't. Every night, between 9pm and 4am, I'm in Hell. All I can think about is what Quinn is doing, and where she is doing it, and who she is doing it on. If I don't do something to take my mind off of it... You're lucky that you could just go sit around the house, Ted. I don't have that option.
Wow, you're in love with this girl -
I really am, Ted. I mean...she's a stripper.
[Marshall and Barney work the AC casinos]
Okay, that's it bro, we're turning off our phones for one hour.
Okay, you leave me no choice. Proposal, you give me one hour of phone-free bro time during which we - and by "we" I mean you - get magnificently, mythologically drunk, I'm talking needing-subtitles-when-you-speak drunk. If you can give me that, I...will wear this. [shows Ducky Tie]
The...the Ducky Tie. I thought you threw it away.
[Ted continues to see Robin in every person he encounters]
[as MacLaren's bartender] Why do you think I'm still here?
I guess because I'm in love with you. Why else would I be seeing your face everywhere I look?
[as old patron] Because you feel bad.
Of course I feel bad. I told you I still love you because apparently, that's the worst thing you can say to someone.
That's not why you feel bad. You feel bad because you let me go away. I know our relationship wasn't exactly what you wanted it to be, and I know I may not love you the way you love me, but I do love you. Isn't that worth hanging on to?
[as model in Wharmpess Gold beer] So go get me back.
[Barney tries to ask the bus driver to drive to the hospital where Lily is giving birth]
Sir, this man is having a baby tonight. Instead of going to St Marcus Hospital, we're going to Buffalo - and I've seen women from there, the city's aptly named. Look, I'm a screw-up; I'm having something special with this girl Quinn and I ruined it. But this guy [gestures to Marshall], he's done everything right. He's been loving and devoting since he was 18 years old. There are a few truly great people on this planet and he is one of them. He deserves to be at the birth of his son. So what do you say?
DDriver
Unless it's an emergency, I'm not allowed to stop so sit down, watch Cocoon 2, and shut up!
[Marshall finally appears in Lily's room as baby is about to be delivered]
In return for him getting me here, I may have promised Barney that our son's middle name will be - wait for it -
I can't wait. What is the name?
[screams while pushing] AAGHH....THAT IS THE COOLEST MIDDLE NAME OF ALL TIME!!!
[At the JFK passenger terminal, Barney and Quinn are asked about the luggage]
It's mine. Did you have to replace the luggage too?
By the time we land again you'll be wearing hot pink stilettos.
SSecurity Officer
[sees box in bag] What's that?
It's a magic box. You see, I'm something of a magician.
SSecurity Officer
Open the box, sir.
[laughs] I can't do that. [K9 barks]
S2Security Officer #2
Sir, are there drugs in that box?
Oh no, he's probably barking because of the explosives. [officers draw firearms]
SSecurity Officer
Tell us what's in the box right now!
I can't. Magician's Code.
[Ted drives with Victoria riding shotgun]
Where shall we go? Your place? My place? We could go on my honeymoon. [laughs] Just kidding...although it is paid for.
I know where we should go.
Your wedding. I'm taking you back.
I don't understand. I thought you wanted this.
I do want this. I've thought about you so many times, what might have been...but I got left at the altar and it nearly killed me. You're someone's fiancee, and I have to respect that. So let's hit a motel, jam in a quickie and get you back to your wedding. It's the right thing to do.
Some part of me needed to hear you say that running away together wasn't an option, and now that I know that, it's like I'm sobering up. Is there any way we can pretend that this never happened?
[softly] This never happened.
[Robin is administering Patrice's yearend performance appraisal - and she just fired her]
PPatrice
Why would you fire me?
Because nobody should be as happy as you are! [goes to door and opens it] and also, your cookies? They're only... pretty good.
PPatrice
[tries to step out but turns back at her] Robin, is this really about me?
[cracking] No its not. [Patrice embraces her]
[enters] The old fire and bang. Respect, Scherbatsky.
I'm sorry. It's just that seeing you with Barney has run up some old feelings - and I really don't like feelings, but that's not your fault or Barney's fault. It's just really hard seeing you with him.
[Barney has shown Ted a diamond ring]
You unjinxed me! I'm free!! If the bison on the nickel could heard you talk about them, they would diminish their population even further on purpose. If Lily wants a big wiener in her mouth, she's got my number. And I'm sorry you took all the rap for the farting on the car ride up here, that was me. [sighs]
The ring, what's the ring?
Right, the ring. I'm gonna ask Patrice to marry me.
Ted and Barney: Are you serious?
Jinx! Good, I need to say some things without you interrupting. Yes, I am serious. I know that if you could talk, you'd say I'm crazy, or that I'm overcorrecting, or that I'm moving too fast. But you would be wrong. Look, I've banged my way through every bimbo in the Tri-State Area and it left me feeling nothing but...but broken. But now with Patrice, for the first time in my life, I feel settled and happy. I want to feel this way forever. So tomorrow night, on the roof of the World Wide News building - that's Patrice's favorite spot - I'm gonna ask her to marry me. [cuts off Ted] You're jinxed. I'll unjinx you if you follow these two rules: one: you can't try to talk me out of it, and two: you can't tell anybody. Agreed? [sees Ted assent] It's a jinx swear, so if you break it, I get to hit you in the nuts three times with a Wiffle Ball bat. Thank you, Ted. [Marshall and Lily enter the car] Hi, guys!
I tricked Ted into saying my name.
Barney, Marshall and Lily: Aw, come on, Ted!
Jinx! Jinx! Ha-ha! The reign of terror is back! [Evil laugh] Hey, if you guys don't want me to smoke or fart in here, just speak up. Nothing? Great. Thanks for the spicy beef jerky, dude.
[Lily and Marshall tell Ted and Robin their plans for a night out]
My dad just gave us the most amazing Christmas gift ever. Our first night away since Marvin was born.
Twenty-four hours straight without that little bastard.
Oh, this will be a nice memory to share with Marvin when he's older and deciding whether or not to put you in a home.
