[Robin has read the play entitled "The Robin" and sees Barney]
[enraged but almost in tears] Seriously, Barney? Even you, even someone as CERTIFIABLY INSANE as you must realize that this is too far! You lied to me, manipulated me for weeks - do you really think I could ever kiss you after that? Do you really think I could ever trust you after that? [refers to Playbook page] This, this is proof of why we don't work, why we'll never work, so thank you. You've set me free because how could I be with a man who thinks that this trick, this enormous lie could ever make me want to date him again?
Turn it over. [Robin flips page to read Step 16: Hope she says yes. Barney presents ring] Robin Scherbatsky, will you marry me?
[Ted tries to coach Victoria into writing her runaway-bride note]
[starts to write letter] Klaus...
Just Klaus? Give it some heart, the poor guy!
Sweet? So what, are you still in love with this jerk?
I'm doing this on my own.
I'm sorry, I feel bad for the guy. I'm stealing the greatest girl in the world away from him.
You're not stealing me. I'm choosing you...[kisses him] because you are loving, you are caring, and [gives note to Ted] you are going to give him this note.
You're expecting me to go there?
It took me everything I had to climb out of that church window...and if I had to go back there, I'm not sure if I can do it again.
[gets note and leaves car but enters and rubs note in Victoria's face] It has to smell like you.
[Quinn pores over Barney's prenup and notices a certain provision]
I have to pay 2,000 dollars every time I gain a pound?!
Not every time. Just if it shows up at the weekly weigh-in.
[Arthur Hobbs has had enough of the couples' squabbling over Barney and Quinn's pre-nups]
AHArthur Hobbs
Enough, ENOOUGH! [couples stop] You all have someone who loves you and you're screwing it up over what, who has the most power? That's not love. Love is trusting someone enough to tell them what's really bothering you - and you know what? That's what we're gonna do. [to Marshall] You, start!
[to Lily] When you got scared about Marvin, it felt like you were saying that I'm not as good a parent as you. You're an amazing mom, and I will look up to that.
I probably have trust issues because my dad wasn't there for me, but I know that you'll always be there to catch Marvin.
HHobbs
[to Ted and Victoria] You, next!
Having Klaus back in our lives made me scared we're never gonna escape the past.
I only wanted to help Klaus because I feel guilty of how happy I am with you.
HHobbs
[to Robin and Nick] Next!
NNick
I find you so sexy, it just hurt that you don't feel the same way about me.
I get turned on watching myself do the news during sex.
NNick
Oh... That's cool. [leaves with her]
HHobbs
Look at that, no legal documents needed, just honesty and vulnerability. That's love! You see, I once loved someone, only I didn't say it enough. Now I wish I could say it everyday - hell, I don't care if its crazy, I'm doing it. [calls ex-wife] Hello Darlene? Put Tugboat on the line. Hey buddy! Hey it's the man! [leaves conference room]
FTFuture Ted
And for a moment, all felt right with the world, but that very night, the Autumn of Breakups would claim its first victims.
[Barney is ready to get back on the market at MacLaren's]
Welcome to Bangtoberfest! Have a Bangtoberfest T-shirt, [shoots T-shirt roll at Ted] I'm back! Have a Bangtoberfest T-shirt, I'm single again! [continues shooting rolls; one hits woman] Sorry about your eye, I'm available!
[reads shirt message] Bangtoberfest. This time it's really not personal.
Barney, you went through some really emotional stuff. You need to give yourself some time to heal.
Robin, I spent seven grand on merch. This is happening. [puts cap on Robin's head]
[Lily discovers that her father took care of baby Marvin all day]
Wow. That's incredible. When did you get so good with kids?
MAMickey Aldrin
You know something honey, you don't know this. For the first few years of your life, your mom worked while I was a stay-at-home dad.
I thought Grandma and Grampa took care of me.
MMickey
Well, they visited a lot, but I was the one who took care of you. You know, America thinks I ran into that burning house to get potato salad, but actually, I ran into the house to get this photo album - and potato salad. [shows Lily album]
Dad, I never realized you were there for me. How come there are no pictures of me after preschool?
[recounts flashback of first day at preschool]
MMickey
Well, have fun on your first day at preschool, princess. [kisses Lily and gives her food] Well, off you go. [after Lily gets inside classroom] Ugh, how am I gonna make it to three o'clock without her? [sees newspaper] Belmont Racetrack? Well, I guess it couldn't hurt to bet just once.
[back to present]
MMickey
Six months later, guess what gambling addict's thumbs had pins on them? [flashes badly deformed thumbs] This guy! ... Look honey, I wasn't there for most of your childhood and I regret that every single day of my life, but I promise you, I'm here now for Marvin. If you want.
You're hired. [embraces Mickey]
[Marshall asks Barney about how he has been doing and Barney is forced to think]
[in thoughts, remembering woman he just nailed] Not an eight. At best she was a six, six and a half, more like a four by the time I was done with her. Mental self-five. [to Marshall] Everything's great.
[Barney, Ted, and Robin bicker over the results of Who Wants to be a Godparent?]
Guys, guys, guys, okay alright!! Obviously, none of you knows what it means to be a parent.
[scoffs] Obviously, neither of you two know what it means to be a friend anymore.
[offended] What are you talking about?
Think about it. This is the most we've seen of you two in, five months.
You don't seem to care what's going on in our lives unless it's an eight or higher.
Well, what do you expect? We have a baby now.
Yeah, the days of closing down MacLaren's are over ... unless you want to get up with us at 5:13 in the morning to a screaming baby.
So, that's it, the end of an era, just like that?
Look, we're sorry if we don't have enough time to sit down at the bar listening to silly little dating problems. When you have a baby, it's not just the most important thing in your life, it's the only important thing. When are you guys gonna get that?
Think we get it. [leaves with Barney and Robin]
[Barney chances upon Robin and Nick at the bar]
Guys, I got a new bro. A bro that puts all other bros to shame. The bitches love him. Haa!! He buries bones all day. [whoops] No one chases tail like him. Oooow!! Why aren't you guys laughing? Oh I should have let you on this - he's a dog! [points to bar, where a number of women adore a dog] I call him... "Brover." I'll go - owww! - fetch him.
[at MacLaren's]
There's something I need to tell you. I've thought about this a ton and I was hoping it wouldn't come to this, but... I'm not in love with Robin, but she's like family to me, and I can't end that. So, can you accept that?
[bitterly holds Ted's hand] I really hope you get her someday. [leaves in tears]
[Marshall explains why the Force Majeurs recruited Nick as a ringer]
If Joel uses ringers, so can we, and Nick is our best player, so as far as I am concerned, he can both keep your groins on ice.
"Groins On Ice"... Least popular Madison Square Garden holiday show ever.
Why are you so into this basketball league?
Robin, its the Little Ivies Professionals Over 30 Who Work In Midtown League. It's The Show!
You know, it's kinda funny imagining people icing their groins. First it would get a little cold... then the ice would start to melt... things will get all wet, and steamy...
[At Splitsville, Barney has witnessed Nick getting amorous with Robin again]
She can't go home with you, Nick.
Because Robin and I are in love.
Barney, what are you doing here?
Taking care of something you clearly can't do on your own. [to Nick] I'm sorry but you and Robin are done.
NNick
What? Robin, what is this?
Barney, look I know what you're doing, ok? Please stop.
Robin doesn't want to hurt your feelings because you're a nice guy, but she thinks you're stupid and she hates you. [To Robin] You're welcome.
[stands up] But, he doesn't love me. He's just saying this because he's -
I love everything about her, and I’m not a guy who says that lightly. I’m a guy who has faked love his entire life. I thought love was just something idiots thought they felt, but this woman has a hold on my heart that I could not break if I wanted to - and there have been times that I wanted to. [Robin looks at him] It has been... overwhelming and humbling and even painful at times, but I could not stop loving her any more than I could stop breathing. I am hopelessly, irretrievably in love with her. More than she knows.
[In trying to say that he can give out stamps of approval, Ted shows off all his old video diaries. One such entry interests Lily]
So, Marshall Eriksen, you just came back from on your third date with Lily. How was it?
Great, yeah I just... I think I'm falling for this girl pretty hard. Is everything happening too fast? Maybe I should see other people -
Dude, no! Lily Aldrin is special, you hold on to that girl!
She is, but I'm only 18 -
Marshall, you being 18 is not a bad thing. It only just means you get to spend more of your life with her. I mean, like, I'm not gonna meet my wife until like I'm, 23.
Right. What am I thinking? I'm in love with this girl.
[having seen the video] Ted, you gave me the ultimate stamp! And my whole life... [gestures to Marvin] this life, it all goes back to that moment. [embraces Ted]
[in video] I mean maybe take a month off, bang some chicks, Lily's not going anywhere. [Ted stops video]
[Barney does his own version of LeBron James' Decision Special]
Man, this whole free agent experience... it's been an unbelievable experience... a real, humbling experience. First all, the Lusty Leopard is where I developed my game. [looks at strippers] I have nothing but the utmost respect for you skanks...
Let's just go stay at the Lusty Leopard. They have loyalty and heart, I bet you he rewards that.
LeBron moved on Ted, so should you.
... but Barney Stinson has to do what's right for Barney Stinson's penis. In this fall... This is tough, um, in this fall, I'm going to take my talents ... to Mouth Beach. [Mouth Beach dancers and patrons rejoice]
