TV show quotes
[Barney talks to Robin, who just locked herself up at a bathroom]
Are we still friends?
Hope
Good. [sits on bathtub] 'Cause get this, Ted almost adopted a baby. [scoffs] Crazy, right? Poor guy's going through some stuff. He actually tried to rope me into it. Can you imagine me being someone's dad?
I'm pregnant. [Barney, non-plussed, looks at Robin]
[Barney chances upon his old bro, Insane Dwayne, at a baby goods shop]
I can't believe I haven't seen you around.
Well after Sheila and I had that...quickie, my life's been playdates, preschool, and poop. I haven't set foot in a bar in years.
You stopped drinking?
Oh, I still drink.
[Robin has just brushed Ted off from spending Christmas with him, and goes for a walk]
So kids, I settled in for Christmas alone. I appreciated that Ted wanted to cheer me up, but honestly, it wasn't necessary. So I can't have kids. [scoffs] Big deal, this way, there's no one to hold me back in life, no one to keep me from traveling when I wanna travel, no one getting in the way of my career. If you wanna know the truth of it, I'm glad you guys aren't real. [Kids and couch fade away to snow] Real glad.
[Lily is frustrated that her father paid little attention over the phone that she was pregnant]
Hey baby, I'm sorry. I want our kid to believe that the universe is magical, you know, like my dad taught me.
You know what my dad taught me? Nothing, 'cause he was never there. [grabs Marshall's Enigmas of the Mystical book and makes a fake reading] June 22nd, 1996. Brooklyn, New York: A man misses his daughter's high-school graduation. Later, she discovers that his babysitting money has been spent on a game called "Who Stole the Babysitting Money?" He never saw the irony in that. December 31st, 2011: A woman calls her father to tell him she's pregnant. He says "Great. Thanks," and hangs up on her.
...and after pushing her to call him, "I am a Bigfoot" is discovered in her husband's mouth.
I'm glad you're a believer baby, but I'm never gonna believe in an enigma of the mystical if I don't see it with my own eyes. Truth is, my father never taught me to believe in anything ... but myself.
Well, if it helps at all, I believe in you too.
There's a pretty good chance I don't exist.
[with the failure of Puzzles, Ted, Barney, Kevin, and Doug watch the New Year's Eve countdown]
Oh my God...
[speaking on broadcast] This is Robin Scherbatsky filling in for Sandy Rivers. You know, America, tonight I've been groped, slapped and puked, and until ten minutes ago, I had no idea I'd be on national television...
[smiles] That's my girl.
...but that's the magic of New Year's. When that clock strikes midnight, we all get a fresh start. and I don't know about you, but I could really use one. and that magic moment starts in ten. [starts countdown]
[Marshall has become fed up with Lily's father pushing them around in their own house]
That's it, Mickey. Since you got here, you've been nothing but judgmental, pushy, and strangely obsessed with your adolescent sex life. Tomorrow morning, you're out of here.
Well, I'm just trying to help-
We don't need your help!!!
[Ted, Robin, Barney, and Kevin just escaped a poker game with some Russians]
We go to party at slaughterhouse. You come?
[thought] Please God, no!
[thought] Don't let me be in charge of the gang anymore.
[thought] I can't believe that Kevin doesn't remember me from our sessions three years ago.
[thought] Is that the lunatic who stabbed all those prison guards?
[Ted and Robin talk about his confrontational skills]
I disagree. It's like Sun Tzu said, "Never give up. Never surrender."
That's Tim Allen from Galaxy Quest.
Come on Robin, it's my penis we're talkin' about! You've seen her, she's magnificent!
She?
Every penis is a girl Robin. Everyone knows that, like ships...and lake monsters.
[Kevin has just proposed to Robin, who's still unsure of an engagement]
Haven't you always wanted kids?
That was before I fell in love with you.
That's the thing! Your future always had kids in it, something huge you would be giving up for me. I just don't think I could ever owe someone that much. I'm just scared that you'll wake up in a year, or ten, or 50, so I need you to be sure, okay? If we get married, we will never have children. Are you really okay with that?
[Ted and Barney ride the Drunk Train for the first time]
Where has this heavenly vehicle been all my life? Can you hear its inspiring chant, Ted? "I think I can get laid, I think I can get laid..." It's The Little Engine with Wood, the Whore-ient Express, The Long Island Tail-road!
Oh I got one - Thomas the Spank Engine.
Ted, that is a children's book.
[Marshall and Lily are caught by surprise that Barney slept in their bed]
Why are you in our bed?
I took the Drunk Train. I got stuck out here, oh God I'm so hung over...[excited at Lily's cleavage] Oh God, Lily, not wearing a bra!!!
[Barney just learned from Ted that Kevin and Robin broke up]
Bummer. Anyway, let's make our own bets about this sex tape. I've got Marshall with a surprise piercing at 5-1 odds, Lily with a landing strip at 10-1, Marshall with a landing strip, even money.
I don't believe this. You were in love with Robin, you find out she's single, and all you've got to say is "Bummer"?
What do you want me to say Ted? Whatever I thought was there, she thought differently. So, no, I don't care if Robin is single again.
So if Robin started dating someone else, you wouldn't mind?
Nope.
Even if that somebody else was me?
[Having spent some good time with Karma, Barney has just discovered that she is using the same routine on everybody else]
Did I deserve this? Absolutely. I've told some outrageous lies. I have told women that I was famous, a war hero, that sex with me would cure their nearsightedness...
Barney?
I probably deserve everything you did to me and more, but I have been trying and trying hard to be a better person. Thanks for showing me I had it right before. [leaves Lusty Leopard]
[Lily and Marshall arrive at Ted's apartment and see it empty. Lily sees note]
Dear Lily and Marshall, I don't know if you know this, but I never took your names off the lease. Well, today, I took my name off it. The apartment...is now yours and I think I've found what to do with Robin's old room[They walk in to Robin's old room and find that it is painted blue and has been turned in to a baby room]. You see, for me, this place had begun to feel haunted. At first I thought it was haunted by Robin, but I now think it was haunted by me. Well, no ghost is at peace until it finally moves on. I need a change, and I think you do too. This apartment needs some new life, so please, make our old home your new home. It is now ghost-free. Love, Ted.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's How I Met Your Mother pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
