I'm - wait for it - in - wait for it - love - wait for it - with - wait for it - a -wait for it - certain - wait for it...
I KNOW THAT YOU'RE IN LOVE WITH ROBIN!
S4 E20Mosbius Designs
The things I know about this company, I can never be fired. I might find myself ashore with no fingerprints or teeth, but I can never be fired.
S4 E21Three Days Rule
Seriously. Jesus started the whole "wait three days" thing. He waited THREE days to come back to life. It was perfect! If he had only waited ONE day, a lot of people wouldn't have even heard that he died. They'd be all, "Hey Jesus, what up?" and Jesus would probably be like, "What up? I DIED yesterday!" and then they'd be all, "Uhh, you look pretty alive to me, dude..." and then Jesus would have to explain how he was resurrected, and how it was a miracle, and then the dude would be like "Uh okayy, whatever you say, bro..." And he's not gonna come back on a SATURDAY. Everybody's busy, doing chores, workin' the loom, trimmin' the beard, NO. He waited the exact right number of days, THREE. Plus it's SUNDAY, so everyone's in church already, they're all in there "Oh no, Jesus is DEAD", then BAM! He bursts through the back door, runs up the aisle, everyone's totally psyched, and FYI, that's when he invented the high five. Three days. We wait three days to call a woman, because that's how long Jesus wants us to wait.... True story.
[reading "Holly's" text message for Ted] "Hey Baby, I picked up some take out from Gennaro`s, be home soon." Ok, this sounds bad, but let's think about this, it could be for a brother, or maybe her sick dad.
Scroll down...
[reading] "And then I want you to do me on the couch..." Ok, maybe not a sick dad...or a VERY sick dad, am I right? [laughs] Sorry...
S4 E22Right Place, Right Time
FTFuture Ted
The great moments of your life won't necessarily be the things you do. They'll also be the things that happen to you. Now, I'm not saying you can't take action to affect the outcome of your life. You have to take action. And you will! But never forget, that on any day, you could step out the front door, and your whole life could change forever. You see the Universe has a plan kids; and that plan is always in motion. A butterfly flaps its wings, and it starts to rain. It's a scary thought, but it's also kind of wonderful. All these little parts of the machine constantly working... Making sure that you end up exactly where you're supposed to be.. exactly when you're supposed to be there. The right place. At the right time.
[Barney confronts Matthew Panning over the 200-women dare, even though he screwed up the count.]
MPMatthew Panning
So Barney, great to hear from you after all this time, what's going on?
I've had sex with 200 women! [shows the list]
MMatthew
[sees list] Good God, that's way too many. I mean, that's just gross! You sought counseling for sex addiction? Because you are a prime candidate.
Oh, have you sought counseling for I-win-you-lose? Yeah. Suddenly, those hundred girls you nailed in the seventh grade aren't so impressive.
MMatthew
Hundred girls? Is that what this is about? Barney, I lied!
Sure you did.
MMatthew
I was 12, of course I was lying. I didn't have a pet Ewok either.
Sure you didn't.
MMatthew
Your whole adult life is based on something I lied about when I was 12?
Jealous?
MMatthew
[exasperated with Barney's response] I gotta go pick up my kids at school. Sounds like you got a lot of problems. Good luck, I guess. [leaves]
I'm awesome. [tears up list] Okay, 200. Now what? [looks at Robin]
S4 E23As Fast As She Can
[Barney's just been given a speeding ticket]
NPNJ Policewoman
Get out of the car.
[in a suave voice] Why, am I under arrest?
NPNJ Policewoman
No, [takes off helmet and unzips uniform blouse] you're about to be under me. [Barney looks at camera and gives a double thumbs-up]
Okay, I'm going to say something out loud that I've been doing a pretty good job of not saying out loud lately. What you and Tony have, what I thought for a second you and I had, what I know that Marshall and Lily have... I want that. I do. I keep waiting for it to happen, and waiting for it to happen, and... I guess I'm just tired of waiting. And that is all I'm going to say on that subject.
You know how I talked my way out of a speeding ticket?
Really?
I was heading upstate with my parents, I was doing 90 on the country roads, and I got pulled over. So then a police officer swaggered over and said, 'Ma'am, I've been waiting for you all day.' And I said, 'Sorry Officer, I got here as fast as I could!'
For real?
No, it's just a joke. [pause] I know that you're tired of waiting. And you may have to wait a little while more but, she's on her way, Ted. And she's getting here, as fast as she can.
S4 E24The Leap
So what do you think of Robin?
Barney, I really need to get to work, so...
Great. Say you and I went suit shopping, and you happened upon a beautiful suit. A beautiful Canadian suit. Double-breasted. Mmmmmm. You try it on, and it's not exactly the right fit for you, so you put it back, then I try it on. I don't really wanna take the same suit you had your eye on, but at the same time, I really like that suit.
Buy the suit, Barney. You clearly care about it. Tell the suit how you feel. [pats him on the shoulder]
Okay, but Ted, remember that that was your answer, because... [long pause] the suit is Robin. I know! [head exploding pantomime] Right?
I'm with you, buddy.
You are now, because I explained it to you. [embraces him]
[last words of the season]
FTFuture Ted
That was the year I got left at the altar, it was the year I got knocked out by a crazed bartender, the year I got fired, the year I got beat up by a goat, a girl goat at that, and damn it if it wasn't the best year of my life. Because if any one of those things hadn't happened, I never would've ended up in what turned out to be the best job I ever had. But more importantly, I wouldn't have met your mother. Because as you know, she was in that class. Of course, that story is just beginning.
S5 E1Definitions
[Barney and Marshall arguing about 'The Talk' between Barney and Robin]
Would you just have 'The Talk'... okay, it's a five-minute conversation and then you get to have sex afterwards. It's great! Back me up, Ted!
I don't think 'The Talk' is necessary....
[in a high-pitched voice] Whaaaaaaat?!
Thank you, Ted...
...because Robin is already his girlfriend!
[imitating Marshall] Whaaaaaaaaaaaaat!?
[Ted's just found out from a college professor that he is in the wrong class]
SStudent
T-Dog, you're in the wrong room, bro. [students laugh]
Look, Barney's awesome.
And Robin's more than awesome. She's awe-some-more. She's even awe-quite-a-lot.
S5 E2Double Date
[During Marshall's fantasy with Lily dying of a hiccup disorder]
It's time, baby.
[crying] I will never love again!
No, Marshall, you must! And after an appropriate number of years you should find someone else - someone like that busty delivery girl from that one time and...plow her like a cornfield. [hiccups and dies; Marshall cries]
[at Lily's funeral]
PPastor
...and so Marshall, to honor Lily, you must find that busty delivery girl from that one time, and plow her like a cornfield. [Ted, Robin, and Barney comfort Marshall, who's still crying]
[An appropriate number of years later, Marshall hears a knock at the door and opens it to reveal the delivery girl]
BDBusty Delivery Girl
Delivery for Marshall Eriksen.
[looks up at heaven] This is for you, Lil. [to Busty Delivery Girl while opening his shirt] Where do I sign? [necks her]
[During Ted's blind date with Jen, they talk about menu choices]
JJen
So, any thoughts on food?
Yeah. You want to share the oysters?
JJen
I'd love to share the oysters.
Good, 'cause if you don't that would be...mighty shellfish.
JJen
[shallow-faced] Wow, that's bad.
That's why it's funny. [long pause; Ted and Jen recognize each other]
TJTed and Jen
We've been on this date before.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's How I Met Your Mother pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.