TV show quotes
[Ted's briefing Barney about Robin's facial expressions, especially one particular slide]
But the most important expression of all...[presses button on laptop; slide shows a very angry Robin]
[awed at picture] Whoa... [goes toward Ted]
[describes picture] Flared nostril ridges, wide unblinking eyes... if you ever, EVER, see this face, Barney, run... and don't take a picture of it. She will punch you... and you will cry... for the third time... that night.
[Robin goes to MacLaren's after crashing the Robin 101 class. Ted comforts her]
Look, all that stuff I told Barney, it was personal knowledge between you and me, and I'm sorry.
Guess I'm impressed by how much you remembered.
It's funny...when you date someone, you're taking one long course on who that person is, and when you break up, all of that stuff is useless. It's the emotional equivalent of an English degree. I guess I just like the idea of putting all my Robin Scherbatsky knowledge to good use, you know?
Since you know me pretty well, am I fooling myself with this whole Barney thing?
I don't know. I will say this though: I've seen Barney work hard to get women, and I've seen him work hard to get rid of women. I've never seen him work this hard to keep one around. I was gonna give him an A...well, B plus - Shin-Ya kinda screwed up a curve.
[Barney is explaining the concept of the "Sexless Inkeeper" to Ted]
Wait, you're saying that girl just used me for a place to crash?
Ted, you mentioned that you live right upstairs. She saw that tweed jacket which basically says you're not interested in nor probably even capable of having sex and she thought, hey, free lodging.
No way, I'm not the Sexless Innkeeper.
Ted, that girl had no intention of ever hooking up with you.
Which is funny, because usually, it's the innkeeper who offers turn-down services. Oh! [highfives Barney]
[Ted tries to convince Barney and Robin to apologize to Marshall and Lily for turning down their Couples Nights]
Guys, Lily and Marshall haven't been to the bar all week. They're taking this really hard.
Ted, I could listen to this guilt trip all day, but don't you have to get back up to the inn? I mean, who's working the front desk?
Seriously, they're your friends, you got to apologize.
To your point, Ted. As an innkeeper, do you do that cheap thing where you only change the linens upon request? I mean, I mean, I mean, how much water is that actually saving?
Robin, you know I'm right. If a problem doesn't go away, usually just makes it bigger.
You're right...
Thank you.
...all that sexlessness has made you wise.
For God's sakes...[rushes out of the bar]
[calls out to Ted] Mint on the pillow, Ted, and don't charge for WiFi, it seems greedy.
[Ted's prepared to embark on the road trip to Gazola's with Marshall]
I am ready to hit the road. I got baby wipes, I got a variety of jerky. I got [puts bag on chair] six cans of Tantrum. Well, four - the one burned through the can and the other one I drank already. RAAAH [rips throw pillow apart and tosses it away]...TANTRUM!
[Robin laments the loss of her Canadian identity while in Toronto]
When I went to the States, I swore to myself I won't change. Yet here I am, in the most Canadian place in the universe - Tim Hortons, just around the corner from the Hockey Hall of Fame...and I don't belong. It's like I don't have a country.
Ok, that's it. [stands up on top of chair] Attention, Canada. I'm Barney, from America, and I'm here to fix your backward-ass country. Number one, get real money. [shows Canadian dollar bill] Don't know what board game this came from, but it's a [in French accent] joke. Number two, and this is a biggie, quit letting awesome chicks like Robin Scherbatsky get away because you know what, you don't want her, I'm planting my flag in her if you know what I mean-which you probably don't- and getting her the hell out of here. You may now return to being pointless.
[Intro scene]
In the fall of 2009, a new couple moved in upstairs. We haven't met them yet, but we could hear them - all the time. Well they were always - well, let's just say, playing the bagpipes. [Ted is caught by surprise and Robin appears]
Okay, this is ridiculous, I can't believe those two are still bagpiping.
I know, it's been six hours. Must be that tantric bagpiping that Sting's into.
She's keeping on saying to play the bagpipes harder, but it sounds like he's bagpiping her pretty hard. There's a glass of water in my bedroom that's vibrating like Jurassic Park.
[to neighbors] You have neighbors. Shut the bagpipes up!
[Marshall just linked up with Ted and Barney at MacLaren's]
[to Marshall] Barney says Lily asking you to wash the dishes is a sign that your marriage is crumbling.
What? Why? Lily likes a clean sink. I do the dishes right away, so what's the big deal?
I'll tell you what the big deal is. You know how I have always been best at being single?
No.
Well, now, I am the best at relationships. Even better than you and Lily.
Whoa, look at you. Had a girlfriend for five minutes and think you could play with a big boys? Adorable. Son, I've been in a relationship since you had a ponytail and were playing Dave Matthews on your Mamma's Casio. I'm a good boyfriend in my sleep. I can rock a killer foot rub with one hand and brew a kick-ass pot of chamomile that will make you weep. Hell, I've forgotten more about microwaving fat-free popcorn and watching Sandra Bullock movies than you'll ever know, but...thanks for your concern, Rook.
[A certain videotape from Barney's porn collection has somehow ended up in Ted's VHS player]
ArchiSexture, the world of - [screen cuts into Barney]
Hello Ted. If you're watching this tape - and I knew you'd pick this one - you are now in possession of my porn. This can only mean two things - either I'm dead, or I'm now in a committed relationship. If I'm dead, I want you to honor my memory by taking my body to the Hamptons and recreating Weekend at Bernie's. I wanna dance, I wanna have sex with a girl, and I wanna go fishing. If, on the other hand, I'm in a committed relationship, then as your best friend, I have only one request: Please for the love of God, GET ME OUT OF IT!
So, what did you guys do last last night?
Well, I wanted to go a party and he wanted to go dancing, but we couldn't both do something only one of us wanted to do, so we just stayed home and fell asleep watching a movie.
It was legen--wait for it--ds of the Fall! Legends of the Fall! [shrugs]] It was OK.
[Ted talks about how to move on after a break-up]
Others draw themselves into...
Every woman in New York City. That's right, Barney Stinson is back on the market. Mothers lock up your daughters, daughters lock up your MILSWANCAs.
MILSWANCAs?
Wait, I can get this... Mothers I'd Like to Sleep With And Never Call Again!
Correct! Circle gets the square!
[The gang reads the SNASA con]
Wow, you're an astronaut?
[hushes woman] I'm actually in a top-secret government space program, called Secret NASA, or...SNASA.
Wow, SNASA.
Ah hmm..
Do you go to the Moon and stuff?
Well, not the moon you're familiar with, though I've been to the... Smoon.
Wow... The Smoon!
[Cuts back to the gang]
If you fall for that one, my heart breaks for you. I'm sorry, but you're a smoron.
[Ted and Robin just recovered Marshall's special turkey and he hugs them.]
Guys, I don't know what to say, I mean it's Thanksgiving, but thanks just doesn't seem like its enough.
Come on buddy, you would have done the same thing for us.
Yeah, I would and you know why? 'Cause I love you guys and I'm gonna show you just how much: Ted Mosby, Robin Scherbatsky, I bequeath unto you...the Fourth Slap. [Ted and Robin are shocked]
[Marshall and Lily talk about her father's presence at Thanksgiving]
[after recounting all the times she flashed the "You're Dead To Me" look at anybody] I supported you with all those random people, but this is your father, Lily. Can't we at least, give him some turkey?
No.
Come on Lily, please. I can't ask the guy to leave on Thanksgiving.
Oh, you don't have to ask. Just tell him it's really important for him to be here, and before you know it, he'll be at the Board Game Convention in Toledo giving your braces money to some guy claiming to be Milton Bradley.
He was just out trying to provide for the family.
No, no, that's what my mom did by working two jobs. Marshall, that man broke my heart every single day for 20 years.
Well, let's just give him some dark meat.
[Ted receives a call]
Hello?
Hello? Ted Mosby?
Yes.
The window is open.
[pause] What?
The Window...is open!
[hangs up and looks to Marshall] The window is open.
What are you waiting for?
I...I...
Run, Ted! RUN!! [Ted runs out of the apartment]
[to Lily on the sidewalk] Lily, the window is open.
Make a hole, people! [gets baby cart of bystanders and pushes it forward, sending the bystanders to chase it] Run, Ted! RUN!!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's How I Met Your Mother pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
