TV show quotes
[The gang checks out Robin's fan mail from Metro News 1]
Wow. You had more fans than I thought.
And only about 60% of them are prison inmates.
What are these guys thinking? I am WAY past my "dating prisoners" phase. I mean, hello, I'm not 19 anymore.
[Ted has a flashback about his old Wesleyan radio gig after Robin finds it in his resume]
[as Doctor X] Doctor X here, shooting truth bullets at you from an undisclosed location, 'cause if they knew where I was, they'd shut me down.
[listening with Lily at their dorm room] You're on the third floor of the Student Center next to the game room, you tool!
Been reading a lot of letters about my segment on how racist this school's meal plan is.
How can there be any letters if no one knows where you are, douche?
That's why I'm organizing a happening outside the Dining Hall. Monday, at midnight. Time has come that these puppet masters took this ignorance of justice off the menu.
[cuts in during broadcast] Hey Ted, we need a fourth one for foosball. What are you doing here, anyway?
Dude, get out of here, be there in a sec. [resumes Doctor X spiel] Remember, Dining Hall at midnight. Another Doctor X happening. I'll be there, 'cause X marks the spot-ot-ot-ot...
[in present day] If you think people liked your show, they did not-ot-ot-ot...
Where does this girl live?
We're talking about a girl who got Barney Stinson to actually commit... I'm guessing Narnia.
[Barney is holding a casting call for a little boy to play his son]
You said that if I slept with you, my son would get the part!
Well, apparently I'm a better actor than your kid. [over his shoulder] Bring in the four o'clocks!
It looks like your mom kept your childhood bedroom just the way you left it.
That sure is a big poster of The Karate Kid above your bed.
Hey, Karate Kid's a great movie. It's the story of a hopeful young karate enthusiast whose dreams and moxie take him all the way to the All Valley Karate Championship. Of course, sadly, he loses in the final round to that nerd kid. But, he learns an important lesson about gracefully accepting defeat.
Wait, when you watch The Karate Kid, you actually root for that mean blond boy?
No, I root for the scrawny loser from New Jersey who barely even knows karate. When I watch The Karate Kid, I root for the karate kid: Johnny Lawrence from the Cobra Kai dojo. Get your head out of your ass, Lily.
I never said I was gonna get back together with her. But I was thinking, she's new in town, would it be the worst thing in the world if I gave her a call?
No, no, Ted, it wouldn't be the worst thing in the world. It would be the fourth worst thing. Number one, super volcano. Number two, an asteroid hits the earth. Number three, all footage of Evil Knievel is lost. Number four, Ted calls Karen. Number five, Lily gets eaten by a shark.
I'm Lily and I approve the order of that list.
[At a staff meeting with Marshall presiding over]
Now, as you'll see on page 44 of the contract...
Hey Eriksen, when did you join AC/DC? [points to Marshall's cut-up pants]
[scoffs] Can we please just turn to page 44 of the contract...
Hey Eriksen. I think the Oliver Twist auditions are down the hall! [colleagues laugh]
Yeah, Eriksen, please sir, can I have some more...pants? [colleagues laugh harder]
[Karen just saw Robin's earrings]
Are those real diamond earrings?
Yes, they are. Thank you. [smiles]
I didn't say I like them.
Well, I got a great deal on them.
Cool. I'm sure the exploited diamond miners of Sierra Leone would give you a high five if they still have their fingers. [changes to happy tone] but they're really pretty.
[Lily just confessed to Ted the truth about engineering his breakups, especially that with Robin, which turned out to be accidental]
Oh my God!
Lily, you can't manipulate people like that! I've known you 12 years and I can honestly say I've NEVER BEEN MORE FURIOUS AT YOU!
Ted I...
I don't want to hear it..
[cuts in] Whoa whoa, settle down for a minute! I only have one question: [Turns to Marshall, asking about the nightshirts they are wearing] How do these bad boys feel in bed?
Come, let's go see. [Marshall and Barney head to the bedroom]
So if it weren't for you, Ted and I would still be dating?
OR you would have stayed together far too long, had an incredibly bitter breakup and not even remain friends and [teary eyed, to Robin] you and I would never have become best friends.
You don't even have to say that. [Hugs Lily]
Stop hugging! Lily, you had no right to interfere in my relationships. You got lucky, okay? You met the love of your life in a dorm hallway when you were 18, but that doesn't give you the right to play God to the rest of us mortals down here who are still looking for someone. You are so concerned with about who you and Marshall are gonna end up in that front porch with-you know what, you can have it to yourselves. [leaves living room]
If I could nail a celebrity it would be Lily. She's the star of my heart.
Aww. For me it would be Hugh Jackman.
[talking about Bilson, who just fired him] After he proposed a vocational paradigm shift, I made an impromptu presentation using a four-prong approach which really brought him to his knees.
You hit him with a chair?
Yep.
That's my boy!
Marshall, they're in kindergarten. You don't teach basketball this way.
Sure you do, it's the way I learned.
Are you kidding? What sociopath taught you this way?
[Flashback]
Come on, Dad! I'm tired!
Sleep is for winners! You can go to bed when you score a basket!
I'm trying!
Oh, let's give you two points for trying! Negative two points for having a great big head!
[Present]
My father gave me no quarter. And I asked for no quarter.
[to Marshall] At tomorrow's game, if you're anything less than a teddybear stuffed with cotton-candy and rainbows, I will silent-treatment your ass into the ground. You will think the time I found your Internet search history was a picnic.
When PJ had a job, he was sexy. He was guardian of the bathroom key. A hot guy telling you when you can and can't pee? That's the dream.
[incredulous] That's the dream? The dream?!?!?! Like what Martin Luther King was talking about??
I have to end it, don't I? I'm terrible at breakups.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's How I Met Your Mother pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
