Great. Say you and I went suit shopping, and you happened upon a beautiful suit. A beautiful Canadian suit. Double-breasted. Mmmmmm. You try it on, and it's not exactly the right fit for you, so you put it back, then I try it on. I don't really wanna take the same suit you had your eye on, but at the same time, I really like that suit.
Ted
Buy the suit, Barney. You clearly care about it. Tell the suit how you feel. [pats him on the shoulder]
[describes picture] Flared nostril ridges, wide unblinking eyes... if you ever, EVER, see this face, Barney, run... and don't take a picture of it. She will punch you... and you will cry... for the third time... that night.
It's funny...when you date someone, you're taking one long course on who that person is, and when you break up, all of that stuff is useless. It's the emotional equivalent of an English degree. I guess I just like the idea of putting all my Robin Scherbatsky knowledge to good use, you know?
Since you know me pretty well, am I fooling myself with this whole Barney thing?
Ted
I don't know. I will say this though: I've seen Barney work hard to get women, and I've seen him work hard to get rid of women. I've never seen him work this hard to keep one around. I was gonna give him an A...well, B plus - Shin-Ya kinda screwed up a curve.
Ted, you mentioned that you live right upstairs. She saw that tweed jacket which basically says you're not interested in nor probably even capable of having sex and she thought, hey, free lodging.
To your point, Ted. As an innkeeper, do you do that cheap thing where you only change the linens upon request? I mean, I mean, I mean, how much water is that actually saving?
Ted
Robin, you know I'm right. If a problem doesn't go away, usually just makes it bigger.
In the fall of 2009, a new couple moved in upstairs. We haven't met them yet, but we could hear them - all the time. Well they were always - well, let's just say, playing the bagpipes. [Ted is caught by surprise and Robin appears]
She's keeping on saying to play the bagpipes harder, but it sounds like he's bagpiping her pretty hard. There's a glass of water in my bedroom that's vibrating like Jurassic Park.
Ted
[to neighbors] You have neighbors. Shut the bagpipes up!
Whoa, look at you. Had a girlfriend for five minutes and think you could play with a big boys? Adorable. Son, I've been in a relationship since you had a ponytail and were playing Dave Matthews on your Mamma's Casio. I'm a good boyfriend in my sleep. I can rock a killer foot rub with one hand and brew a kick-ass pot of chamomile that will make you weep. Hell, I've forgotten more about microwaving fat-free popcorn and watching Sandra Bullock movies than you'll ever know, but...thanks for your concern, Rook.
Yeah, I would and you know why? 'Cause I love you guys and I'm gonna show you just how much: Ted Mosby, Robin Scherbatsky, I bequeath unto you...the Fourth Slap. [Ted and Robin are shocked]
[Ted is trying to end the class early so he could scramble back to MacLaren's for Maggie]
Ted
One very important thing to keep in mind when designing a bridge...[absentmindedly writes MAGGIE on the blackboard]
LLouis
Maggie?
Ted
Oh no, I mean, yes, when designing a bridge, always remember [points to writing] Make Adjustments, Go Get It Energized. Good advice for life too.
BBetty
[raises hand] So Professor Mosby, is this Maggie someone special?
Ted
No...she's this girl I've been into for a really long time so well, tonight could be the one chance I have to go out with her. [students raise hands and Ted chooses one]
JJamie
Is she hottie?
Ted
Yes Jamie she's very attractive, we can just end this class right now and [Betty raises hand] Betty?
BBetty
Maggie may finally be available, but what about you Professor Mosby, are you ready for a serious relationship?
Ted
Totally...I mean I think so, maybe, I don't know, what do you guys think? [students raise hands]
I am not a smoker. I only smoke in certain situations: post-coital, when I'm with Germans -- sometimes those two overlap -- coital, birthdays, to annoy my mom, pre-coital, on a sailboat, the day The Mets are mathematically eliminated every year, and, of course -- wait for it, 'cause Lord knows I have -- pregnancy scares.
[Ted just got a pretty girl away from being invited to a drinking party by three frat guys]
CCindy
I swear, every week, I get invited by some frat guy to a kegger, and I say, "I'm a PhD candidate, and I'm writing a dissertation titled Foreign Direct Investment and Inter-generational Linkages in Consumption Behavior."
Ted
And what does frat guys say to that?
CCindy
[drawls] 'That's hot.'
Ted
[laughs] ...Actually, that is kinda hot.
CCindy
Ted, I have a confession - I recognize you. Do you remember your first class last semester? Econ 305.
FTFuture Ted
Kids, you remember the wrong classroom story. I thought it was Architecture 101, but it was Econ 305. Of course, I didn't know that your mother was in that class...and she thought I was a complete idiot.
CCindy
I thought you were a complete idiot - but a very cute idiot.
How I Met Your Mother · 439 quotes
Ted
