Ted Mosby quotes from How I Met Your Mother

Take out order for Cook Pu. We have a Number Two over here for Cook Pu.

Ted

[stunned, to gang] You guys got Wendy saying it now? Come on, like, I get it, Cook Pu is a stupid name and it gets stupider and stupider the more you say it. Cook Pu Cook Pu Cook Pu!

[embarassed] Here. [Ted looks at her as Wendy gives her her order]

Marshall

You want us to arrange your marriage?

Ted

Absolutely! Look, there are two sides to dating - picking and getting picked. Getting picked I'm good at. Ladies love Teddy Westside.

Marshall

You're waiting for me to comment on your 'self-assigned nickname.' [Pause] Well here's my comment: I LOVE IT!

Ted

Really?

Marshall

Teddy Westside? Continue!

Ted

It's the picking I suck at, I pick the wrong girls! But you guys are the best pickers I know. You picked each other!

Lily

Oh, that's the pizza. Baby, do you have any cash?

Marshall

Oh, you know I, uh, actually I don't, uh, think that I should...have to pay. 'Cause I'm...not a fan of pizza.

Robin

What?!?

Ted

Marshall, we've driven halfway across the country for a piece of pizza literally hundreds of times.

Lily

I once caught you eating pizza in the shower!

Marshall, there's a cartoon of you on our coupons.

Barney

I'm not saying Marshall's a guy who likes pizza, but last time he went in for a physical, doctor says 'Marshall you've gotta stop eating pizza.' Marshall says 'Why?' Doc says 'So I can examine you!' But seriously, we kid because we love.

Marshall

All right, look, the reason that I don't have any money on me is because...I got mugged. [long pause] Can somebody please pay Arthur, all right? I'm starving!! [to Arthur, kindly] How's your dad by the way?

Better.

Marshall

Good!

Ted, your mother is a very, very erotic woman.

Ted

Please don't.

Ted

How'd you know I was going to be up here?

Marshall

Robin told me. [gives Ted a beer] Happy housewarming.

Ted

But the last time I saw you, I told you I was selling the place.

Marshall

I know what you said, but [walks with Ted to steps of patio] I also know my friend, Ted Mosby. [they sit] Of all the times I told you, "slow down, don't go too fast into things with this girl," you never even listened to me a single damned time. Your heart is both drunk and a kid.

Ted

Thanks for sticking out to me, man.

Marshall

That's what I'd do.

Ted

Can I show you some of the ideas that I have?

Marshall

Yeah. [they stand up and head back to house, where Ted begins to explain everything]

And kids, Marshall was right. I didn't give up on my dream house, because that's the thing about stupid decisions - we all make them, but time is funny and sometimes a little magical. It can take a stupid decision, and turn it into something else entirely. Because kids, as you know, that house...(the holes in the wall are fixed and bits and pieces of furniture appear, ending with the Son and Daughter sitting on a couch)...is this house.

Barney

Robin Stinson.

Ted

Robin Mosby.

Barney

Robin Stinson.

Ted

Ted Scherbatsky! I'll take her name, I don't care!

Barney

Okay wait. How about this we share her. I'll take her until she's forty and you can have her after that

Ted

Who are we kidding. She's with Don now. We just have to accept that and move on

Barney

You're right. I'm gonna go to the bathroom and then skid out.

Take that, Ted Mosby!

Ted

Okay, he definitely said it that time.

Barney

Aww go on honey - kiss him! [audience gasps, Ted stares at him]

Ummm, Uncle Barney didn't say kiss.

Barney

[chanting] Kiss him! Kiss him! Kiss him!

Still not saying 'kiss'.

Sir, you need to leave. Now!!

Barney

This is outrageous! Who the kiss are you?

Barney

[opens door] You guys bangin'?

Whaaaaaa!

Barney

Just for the record, having a baby? Huge mistake. Now show me what you've got.

Ted

[enters with balloons] Uncle Teddy's here. [Marshall and Lily scream] Quick question. How are you guys going to handle the whole Santa thing? I'm thinking just be honest. Aw, Hell. I'll dress up. [TV turns on, showing Robin. Marshall and Lily scream again]

Robin

This just in... is what Marshall Eriksen is about to say to his wife as he attempts to impregnate her. Chopper 12 is live on the scene with Baby Watch 2010. [Gang sees live footage of helicopter just outside the room's window]

Ted

You can't call dibs on a girl that I've been sitting here thinking about eventually talking to at some point!

Barney

You never called dibs.

Ted

Dibs were implied!

Barney

"Implied" dibs?

Ted

Yeah.

Barney

Ted, you are spitting on the grave of Sir Walter Dibs, inventor of the dib. It was 1652, the SS Dibs was lost at sea-

Ted

I don't have time for a fake history lesson, so I'll keep [points pen at Barney] this simple: You go over there and talk to that girl, I'll see you in court.

Barney

Who's gonna represent you? Dibs-on-Marshall's-my-lawyer!

Barney

It's a sad day in New York, Ted, a sad day indeed. You know what I saw on my way in here? A girl in a sweater. And you know what that means: the season of exposed skin is over, exactly! Gone are the tank-tops, Ted. Gone are the cute little skirts. Gone are the sundresses - the sundresses, Ted! I don't think I can make it another eight months with no sundresses.

Ted

Barney, I really - I have to grade these papers.

Barney

I'm sorry, I'll let you work... But first, a riddle. What piece of women's attire, most stokes a man's desire?

Ted

A sundress.

Barney

Correct! What lightweight outfit, pink or white, makes the front of my slacks abnormally tight?

Ted

I really have to get this done.

Barney

Of course, of course. [pause] Sundress, by the way.

Ted

[to Robin typing on Blackberry] Ted Mosby is solid as a rock. No, dependable. No, rugged. No-

Robin

Why don't I go to the Chevy website and copy down the adjectives?

Ted

I just want to hit that perfect middle ground.

Robin

How about if we just go wildly to both extremes and let them balance each other out? [reads message] "Ted Mosby is really handsome but extremely violent and really rich, but lacks bladder control-" [truck hits bump; Ted and Robin are jolted] Oh damn, that last bump just made me hit Send.

Ted

No, no.

Robin

Don't worry, everyone will get it's a joke.

Ted

No they won't, they'll think...wait. Everyone?

Barney

[reads message] "Really rich"? [Everyone laughs]

Lily

But designing a building in New York City is your lifelong dream.

Ted

I do not want to work for GNB again. Those guys are evil. No offense, Marshall.

Marshall

Dude, None taken. Yes, GNB is the Empire from Star Wars, but the Death Star is gonna get built either way, and don't you think the architect of the Death Star is pretty psyched to have that thing on his space resume. I mean, yes, his design was flawed in the sense that he let a single bullet fire into a particular vent that would explode the whole thing...

Ted

For all we know, that was the contractor's fault.

Marshall

... But that won't happen on your watch, 'cause you're Ted Mosby, and you're gonna design the most beautiful, ventless, Rebel-proof building in Manhattan...with clearly-marked emergency stops for every trash compactor on the detention level.

Ted

I'd say you're not a real New Yorker until you've stolen a cab from someone who needs it more than you do.

Lily

No, you're not a New Yorker until you've cried on the subway and not given a damn what anyone thinks

Marshall

No, you're not a real New Yorker until you've killed a cockroach with your bare hand.

And Robin would do all three of these before the day was out.

Barney

[excited] And firing half my department freed up the money to double my own salary, and this chick from Boston was wicked hot in bed last night, and I'm getting more muscular, even though I've stopped working out, and I've got this amazing poker group...

[interrupting the story] Actually, Barney did not need a win.