[Robin has reservations about Ted and Stella's wedding, and Ted is not pleased]
TedWe broke up over a year ago.
Yeah, but that's not that long ago. Watching you marry another woman isn't exactly something I was looking forward to. I don't know, if I would change my mind about marriage and kids, it was nice to know that you were there.
Ted
So I was your safety school. How flattering.
That's not it. It's just that, I..
Ted
Why are you bringing any of this up? There's nothing between us anymore.
Well maybe there is! I mean, of course, there is, that kind of stuff just doesn't disappear without a trace. I'm not just another guest here, Ted.
Ted
Great. We used to date, but we've both moved on and look, we got what we wanted. I'm getting married, you got your dream job in Tokyo, and we live happily ever-
Ted
What?
I'm moving back to New York. I thought I wanted that job, but I want to come back to my real life, and I think you should go back to yours.
Ted
What does that supposed to mean?
Don't get married. Look you're rushing into this, it's like you're trying to skip ahead to the end of the book. Ted, you're the most romantic guy I know; you stole a blue French horn for me, you tried to make it rain-
Ted
I did make it rain.
It was a coincidence, but after all that, this is how your great romantic quest comes to an end? You're just disappearing into someone else's wedding, someone else's house, someone else's life without a second thought. That's not the amazing ending that you deserve. That's not Ted Mosby.
Ted
[after long pause] I love Stella, she's the one. You really feel that way, I guess it's a good thing you're not coming to the wedding after all. [storms out]
Stella hated Star Wars! She lied to you. Search your feelings, Ted. You know it to be true!
Ted
Well, that's her business.
Come on Ted, she left you at the altar! [gang begins arguing until Lily notices the taxi]
Wa-wait, where's she going? Her cab just missed the turn to the Lincoln Tunnel.
Why would anybody buy take-out food and take it all the way back to New Jersey, anyway?
Ted
She's going to her office.
No. [recounts restaurant order scene] The waiter asked her, "And you need utensils?" She said, "No, I'll just take them straight home."
Ted
And if she's going home, why are we still heading to- oh my God. Tony lives downtown. 'Home' is Tony's apartment. She was gonna make me move to New Jersey, and she's moving into the city WITH TONY?!? Son of a bitch! [Gang cheers him on]
Ted
I AM SO ANGRY RIGHT NOW!
I know, I know, and I love it! [Ted rips off window crank] Yeah, that is awesome! [to taxi driver] Sir, we'd be happy to cover the cost of that window crank! I love angry Ted!
Ted
So do I!
Look at those girls, Lily. Look at them and listen to what their "woos" are really saying.
SSubtitle
I cry in the shower!
SSubtitle
I've never been on a second date!
SSubtitle
What if I never get to be a mother?!
SSubtitle
I'm secretly in love with Jillian!
[Woman #3 looks admiringly at Jillian]
Ted
Woooo!
SSubtitle
My career and love life are heading nowhere!
You know what it is? We were having sex. Men and women need sex to live together. It... it solves all disputes.
Ted
Oh, like Barney's theory about world peace.
[flashback]
So I explain to her... I said, "Madeleine, every single international conflict essentially boils down to sexual tension."
Ted
Every international conflict?
Ted
So the crisis in the Middle East could be solved by...
Ted
Apartheid.
Apart thighs! What else you got?
Ted
Cold War.
[brief pause] Mrs. Gorbachev, take down those pants!
Ted, I have to tell you the truth. I'm in love with [sees Robin] tacos. What are you doing?
I'm, uh, taking out the triz-ash. If you're, uh, looking for Ted, he left. Our little arrangement is, uh, over, by the way.
Really? That's aws... ful.
Yeah, it's just awfsful. What happened?
Ah, he just insisted. He said he couldn't do it anymore because “someone's gonna get hurt.” Think we all know who he meant by that.
Yeah. It's Ted. You know what a romantic he is. He can't separate the physical from the emotional. He's all like...
Exactly. He's not like you, you know? Besides, we're friends. I don't want to screw that up by getting involved. Dating friends never works out. So, uh, you want to get a taco?
Ted
(voiceover) So Robin and I went back to just being roommates and things went back to normal. Your Aunt Lily was right: when two exes decide to just be casual, someone always gets hurt... it just wasn't one of us.
If I can land just one of these girls, I'll have Party School Bingo.
[Ted rifles around in the peanut bowl, not taking the bait.]
Come on, Ted. You're the only one here.
Ted
[mock apologetically] Oh, sorry! [mock interest] What's Party School Bingo?
Every year, Playboy releases a list of the top party schools in the country. I take the top 25 and I make up a Bingo card. All I need is Arizona Tech, which is crazy... In league play that would normally be designated a free space.
Ted
So, uh, how many people are in on this Party School Bingo thing?
Ted
Then what's the point, then?
The point is to get five in a row.
Ted
And what do you get when you get five in a row?
[The gang checks out Robin's fan mail from Metro News 1]
Wow. You had more fans than I thought.
Ted
And only about 60% of them are prison inmates.
What are these guys thinking? I am WAY past my "dating prisoners" phase. I mean, hello, I'm not 19 anymore.
Ted
[as Doctor X] Doctor X here, shooting truth bullets at you from an undisclosed location, 'cause if they knew where I was, they'd shut me down.
[listening with Lily at their dorm room] You're on the third floor of the Student Center next to the game room, you tool!
Ted
Been reading a lot of letters about my segment on how racist this school's meal plan is.
How can there be any letters if no one knows where you are, douche?
Ted
That's why I'm organizing a happening outside the Dining Hall. Monday, at midnight. Time has come that these puppet masters took this ignorance of justice off the menu.
SStudent
[cuts in during broadcast] Hey Ted, we need a fourth one for foosball. What are you doing here, anyway?
Ted
Dude, get out of here, be there in a sec. [resumes Doctor X spiel] Remember, Dining Hall at midnight. Another Doctor X happening. I'll be there, 'cause X marks the spot-ot-ot-ot...
[in present day] If you think people liked your show, they did not-ot-ot-ot...
Ted
I never said I was gonna get back together with her. But I was thinking, she's new in town, would it be the worst thing in the world if I gave her a call?
No, no, Ted, it wouldn't be the worst thing in the world. It would be the fourth worst thing. Number one, super volcano. Number two, an asteroid hits the earth. Number three, all footage of Evil Knievel is lost. Number four, Ted calls Karen. Number five, Lily gets eaten by a shark.
I'm Lily and I approve the order of that list.
[Lily just confessed to Ted the truth about engineering his breakups, especially that with Robin, which turned out to be accidental]
Ted
Lily, you can't manipulate people like that! I've known you 12 years and I can honestly say I've NEVER BEEN MORE FURIOUS AT YOU!
Ted
I don't want to hear it..
[cuts in] Whoa whoa, settle down for a minute! I only have one question: [Turns to Marshall, asking about the nightshirts they are wearing] How do these bad boys feel in bed?
Come, let's go see. [Marshall and Barney head to the bedroom]
So if it weren't for you, Ted and I would still be dating?
OR you would have stayed together far too long, had an incredibly bitter breakup and not even remain friends and [teary eyed, to Robin] you and I would never have become best friends.
You don't even have to say that. [Hugs Lily]
Ted
Stop hugging! Lily, you had no right to interfere in my relationships. You got lucky, okay? You met the love of your life in a dorm hallway when you were 18, but that doesn't give you the right to play God to the rest of us mortals down here who are still looking for someone. You are so concerned with about who you and Marshall are gonna end up in that front porch with-you know what, you can have it to yourselves. [leaves living room]
When PJ had a job, he was sexy. He was guardian of the bathroom key. A hot guy telling you when you can and can't pee? That's the dream.
Ted
[incredulous] That's the dream? The dream?!?!?! Like what Martin Luther King was talking about??
I have to end it, don't I? I'm terrible at breakups.
[reading "Holly's" text message for Ted] "Hey Baby, I picked up some take out from Gennaro`s, be home soon." Ok, this sounds bad, but let's think about this, it could be for a brother, or maybe her sick dad.
Ted
Scroll down...
[reading] "And then I want you to do me on the couch..." Ok, maybe not a sick dad...or a VERY sick dad, am I right? [laughs] Sorry...
Ted
Okay, I'm going to say something out loud that I've been doing a pretty good job of not saying out loud lately. What you and Tony have, what I thought for a second you and I had, what I know that Marshall and Lily have... I want that. I do. I keep waiting for it to happen, and waiting for it to happen, and... I guess I'm just tired of waiting. And that is all I'm going to say on that subject.
You know how I talked my way out of a speeding ticket?
Ted
Really?
I was heading upstate with my parents, I was doing 90 on the country roads, and I got pulled over. So then a police officer swaggered over and said, 'Ma'am, I've been waiting for you all day.' And I said, 'Sorry Officer, I got here as fast as I could!'
Ted
For real?
No, it's just a joke. [pause] I know that you're tired of waiting. And you may have to wait a little while more but, she's on her way, Ted. And she's getting here, as fast as she can.
How I Met Your Mother · 439 quotes
