Hogan's Heroes quotes

Colonel Klink, Colonel Hogan has requested to see you.

Klink

By all means, let him come in.

Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.

Klink

Our fish is nibbling at the bait.

Hochstetter

My fish.

Hogan

Colonel Klink.

Klink

Yes, Hogan, what is it, what is it?

Hogan

You have a new prisoner, Group Captain James Roberts, RAF. I want to see him.

Hochstetter

He wants to see the prisoner. That's not surprising.

Klink

That's not surprising.

Hogan

Of course, now that I've made the request, I'm sure you'll deny it.

Hochstetter

He says we'll deny it. We will?

Klink

We will?

Hogan

As senior officer here, I'm entitled to talk to any new prisoner brought into this stalag, and you know it. If I'm not allowed to see him, it'll be in direct violation of the Geneva Prisoner of War Convention, and I'll make a formal complaint to the Red Cross and the protecting power.

Hochstetter

Very well, you may see the prisoner.

Klink

You may see the prisoner.

Hogan

And believe me, when word gets back to the big boys on our side, you'll see what happens to Ger-(pause) What did you say?

Hochstetter

I said you may see the prisoner anytime you like.

Klink

There you are, Hogan. Your request has been granted.

Hogan

You guys ought to give me a little notice when you're going to do something decent.

Klink

Really?

Hogan

Yeah. I faint very easily.

Hochstetter

But this is can't be. I just sent the report that the "Englishman" was sent across the Channel earlier this morning protected by the Luftwaffe... [realizes] KLINK! I WILL mention you in my report!

Hogan

Remember, the enemy is everywhere.

Schultz

Me, an enemy?! I'm just as loyal a German soldier as anyone here in this room!

Hogan

We know that, Schultz, and we respect you for it.

Kinchloe

This Gestapo agent sounds like real trouble.

Hogan

Never known one who wasn't.

LeBeau

Just say the word, Colonel, and I'll make sure he's no trouble at all.

Hogan

Sure, then we'll really be in trouble. When a Gestapo agent's been killed?

LeBeau

Who'll know he's been killed? I'll make it look like he died of an accidental cut throat.

General Burkhalter

Klink, my policy has always been one of complete cooperation with the Gestapo, provided I found their requests were reasonable. Fortunately, I have found all of their requests reasonable. No matter how unreasonable they were...

Hogan

Come on, Colonel! If the High Command's so smart, what're they doin' on the Russian Front?

Kinchloe

[On the telephone, impersonating Burkhalter] Hello! Klink?! You idiot, what are you doing in town? I am here, at your office, waiting for you! Are you arguing with me, Klink?! Now, listen, I want you back here right away! I am counting! One! Two! Three! [Klink hangs up] I think he'll break some records getting back to camp.

Hogan

Whose side are you on?

I am not on either side. I am not a politician; I am a scientist. All I want is to end the war.

Hogan

Good. And we wanna be the ones to end it. Doctor, I can get you out of Germany and over to the Allies in two days.

No. As soon as I finish the formula-

Hogan

You mean it isn't finished?

Two or three more months' work.

Hogan

That's good news. More time to swing you over to our side.

I told you; I am not taking sides. You are wasting your time.

Hogan

I don't mind wasting a little time, Doctor, if I can get you to see my point of view.

I am going downstairs for a drink. Will you join me?

Hogan

I'd love to.

Klink

It's unbelievable! The most efficient POW camp in all of Germany, and we have no plumber!

Schultz

Herr Kommandant, Corporal Schneider was our plumber.

Klink

Was?!

Schultz

Before he was sent to the Russian Front.

Klink

Well, what idiot sent him to the Russian Front?! [Schultz looks pointedly at Klink.] Don't tell me what idiot.

Klink

I would be better off at the Russian Front.

Schultz

When you are there, can you find Corporal Schneider?

Klink

Everything ready, Schultz?

Schultz

Jawohl, Herr Kommandant. Alles in ordnung.

Klink

Now, the convoy will arrive at 2200 hours; that's in a few minutes. Are the prisoners accounted for in the barracks?

Schultz

Jawohl, Herr Kommandant! I even got extra guards. The prisoners are sleeping peacefully, like little children. Dreaming of digging tunnels and escaping back home, and seeing-

Klink

Schultz! I'm asking for a report, not a bedtime story!

Hogan

There must be a way. Think for a minute.

Newkirk

Hey, I've got a solution, sir. Why don't we all go to bed and mind our own business?

Hogan

He always comes up with something, doesn't he?

Carter

Why doesn't one of us just open the door and walk out there? And if somebody stops us, we just say we're goin' for a walk!

LeBeau

Just like that, huh?

Carter

Sure! Casually! It's gotta work because it's simple.

Hogan

If it's so simple, you go ahead and do it.

Carter

Me?

Hogan

It's your idea. Just tell the guy you're out for a walk.

Carter

Right.

Hogan

Just put it anywhere.

Carter

Whose birthday?

Hogan

Alexander Graham Bell. Very famous American.

Never heard of him.

Hogan

He's the man who invented the telephone.

Is not true! Telephone invented by Russian; every schoolchild know this!

Hogan

American.

Russian!

Hogan

American.

Russian!

Hogan

American!

[Pounding a fist on the table] Russian, Russian, Russian!

Schultz

The Fuehrer said those Russians are cowards; they are always on the run!

Hogan

The reports I hear, they're running the wrong way, Schultz.

Klink

Yes, Colonel Klink speaking. Lieutenant Bergmann, anything new to report? Nothing. No, you can't come here for lunch! Forget about eating; I'm hungry, too!