TV show quotes
Now, with all due respect to Captain Kurz, General, I am not in in need of an adjutant.
The Captain is a very able man.
Oh, I'm sure that he is, but that doesn't change my feelings!
And he's also my brother-in-law.
Oh, your brother in law. By marriage?
Yes, that's the usual way.
[Newkirk is going out through the perimeter fence wire at night; a machine gun team is waiting for him. They open fire, shooting the ground in front of him. Newkirk stands up and raises his hands.]
Kamerad! Kamerad!
You are under arrest!
Yes, sir! As you can see, my hands are in the basic "Kamerad" position!
[The alarm has been sounded, and Schultz is leading a guard detail outside the camp after Klink announces an Allied pilot has been shot down nearby.]
What do you think, Colonel?
I think for a big man, Schultz moves pretty fast.
(Said many times) Who is this man?!
This is Colonel Stieffer of the SS. He has a special assignment for you.
A pleasure, Colonel. A real pleasure. Whatever I can do for the SS will be a real privilege. And I am deeply moved by being chosen for this task! I know that this handshake will be the beginning of a long and lasting friendship!
The SS has no friends.
Yes, sir, I think you've got a good idea on that. After all, when you add what you spend on dinner parties, luncheons, gifts- who needs the expense of friendship, when a little hatred doesn't cost you a cent?
Let Colonel Stieffer talk for a change.
Yes, sir. Schutltz! Not another word out of you until the Colonel is finished.
We have a very special prisoner we're turning over to you. And we expect you to make sure he doesn't escape.
Sir, I can assure you, no one has ever escaped from Stalag 13.
So far he's escaped from nine of your camps since his capture.
Well, he won't be leaving here so easily!
If he does, you will be leaving yourself. Carrying snow shoes and a Russian road map!
Hogan, we all make mistakes. No one is perfect! [Hogan glances at a framed picture of Adolf Hitler on the wall.] Except him, of course.
Jawohl, mein Colonel! [Salutes Hogan]
[Shakes his head] Oh, Schultz, you idiot, you don't salute him, he's your prisoner! And see to it that it stays that way!
[Salutes Klink] Jawohl, mein Kommandant!
And bring Carter back! Diiismissed!
[Klink goes back inside the camp office.]
Colonel Hogan. What are we really going to do?
Well, Schultz-
Tell me nothing!
Why did you keep calling from a beer hall?
Because there was a phone?
Carter, I don't know what I'd do without you. But sometimes I'd like to try.
Hogan. Bit of a dirty trick, flying you to London for an hour of being a free man and then dropping you back at Stalag 13.
Breaks up the day, sir.
[Laughs] You're a good man. [Pulls out a marked map of Europe] Guess what this is.
D-Day, sir?
D-Day. And forget you saw it. [Puts the map away] Now, I can't tell you the exact date. Even to tell you this much had to be cleared to the highest level of intelligence. The Old Man himself. But- the date will be soon.
It's been a long time coming, sir.
A long time. And we don't want any mistakes. Not on our part.
Yes, sir.
Of course, we could use a few mistakes from Jerry, and that's why you're here, Hogan.
Are you in or out?
After all this time, I am to help out with this crazy scheme which has no possibility of realization?
It's up to you.
For laughs. Yes.
Thanks. You'll have a million.
[Major Hochsetter sends a female Gestapo Spy to Stalig 13 to confirm his suspecions about Colonel Hogan; he has one possible lead, Sergeant Schultz, who may have information without knowing it]
[about Schultz] This one looks stupid enough.
Why not? He studied under Klink.
Kommandant Klink says you can have ten minutes with the prisoner.
Ten minutes?! Oh, come on, Schultz. Hardly long enough to eat a chocolate bar.
[Hogan takes out a bar of chocolate.]
Twenty minutes?
Eat slowly. [hands the bar to Schultz]
[Klink and Hochstetter summon Group Captain James Roberts, a recently-captured British officer, to Klink's office. He enters and comes face-to-face with a man identical to himself.]
In Heaven's name.
Group Captain Roberts- Leutnant Baumann.
He could be my twin!
In a way he is! He is!
Fantastic.
They do wonderful plastic surgery! I had this friend in Dusseldorf. A Mrs. Schmidt; charming woman. Slight sag around the chin, but you know how it is. Anyway, see saw this surgeon. He advised her-
[visibly annoyed] Not now, Klink.
This is monstrous.
The Leutnant looked a great deal like you from the start, but the surgeons have done a remarkable job, no?
[realizing] The pictures. That's why you took those pictures of me.
Yes, indeed, Group Captain. From the beginning it's been rather a lark. Jolly good fun, actually.
He's even imitated my voice. Of course, the recordings.
Well, I am satisfied.
So am I.
I'm glad. I don't think we need to attend to Group Captain Roberts any longer, Colonel.
Of course not, Major! I think it's time we moved him to slightly less comfortable quarters, but, shall we say, more colourful?
Whatever it is your planning, you won't get away with it. I promise you that.
Now, is everything crystal clear?
Major, it cannot fail because it is simplicity itself.
Exactly. I knew you would understand anything simple, Klink.
Oh, thank you, sir.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Hogan's Heroes pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
