Any questions? [Nearly every POW in the room raises his hand.] Glad it's all clear.
S2 E9Tanks For The Memory
S2 E10A Tiger Hunt In Paris, Part 1
You will consider yourself under arrest.
Champagne?
I will question you here. If your answers are not satisfactory, you will be taken to where the atmosphere is more conductible to getting at the truth.
That sounds fair.
I am not concerned with being fair. Muller, Sonntag.
[Backscheider's men begin to search the hotel room]
Are you sure you won't have some champagne?
Research done by the Third Reich shows that champagne shrivels the Achilles tendons.
Really?
The French foot soldier was only able to march seven-tenths of a mile... before collapsing.
Poor devils.
I think it has attacked your brain. You are obviously an American, yet you openly rent a large suite in the best hotel in Paris, in the middle of a war... almost inviting a call from the Gestapo!
You were very prompt. My congratulations.
[Puzzled] You wanted a call from the Gestapo?
[Hogan has convinced Backscheider he is actually Sgt. Frank Derkin, an escaped POW-turned-black market dealer; they are talking in Backscheider's office]
Look... I was able to get a good deal on some caviar. I could arrange to cut you in if you could help transport it to Paris.
Every inch of carloading is needed for the German war effort!
You were in for fifty percent.
[Surprised] I will see what I can do.
S2 E11A Tiger Hunt In Paris, Part 2
[Backscheider, distrustful of 'Derkin', has bugged the hotel room phone]
Derkin here.
[As Himmler] My dear Derkin! This is Heinrich Himmler, how are you?
[In another room, the Gestapo men stiffen in fear; as Reichsführer-SS, Himmler was one of the most feared men in Nazi Germany]
Oh, fine, just fine. You enjoyed the caviar? Oh, I'm glad. Hey, I was able to get a special deal for you- about three tons. Ah, we can talk about that when you get here.
Yes... I will be arriving tomorrow morning, about 10. By fighter plane. Don't trust my pilot. Ja, there has been too many 'accidents' on our transports.
Inhuman! I'll meet you at the airport, about 10. Oh, and, uh, about Colonel Backscheider...
What about him?
Oh, I put my foot in it. I mentioned you were coming to Paris, but I didn't tell him when.
Tell him nothing! If he has one single ounce of brains- which I doubt- he will find out that I'm coming in. Und be at the airport with his entire staff lined up in review. And if not- eh! One more bungler down the well.
Oh, I'm really sure he'll be there. I'll meet you at the airport tomorrow. Oh, and thanks for the call, Heinrich.
[In another room, Backscheider puts down the listening device's headphones]
He called him Heinrich!
[At Gestapo headquarters, Antonovitch, a White Russian acting as Himmler, is touring the cells; on Backscheider's orders, Müller is trying to stall for time]
MMüller
Herr Reichsführer, if we only wait until Colonel Backscheider gets back...
AAntonovitch
He is on the way?
MMüller
Oh, yes, sir!
AAntonovitch
Well, hurry!
[As the group passes by Klink's cell, Klink addresses Müller and spots Hogan, who quickly moves out of sight]
Oh, Captain Müller, excuse me... Colonel Hogan? I thought I saw Colonel Hogan.
[Antonovitch is now standing directly in front of Klink's cell]
AAntonovitch
Do I look like a 'Colonel Hogan'?
Oh, no, sir! Not at all! It's just that since I've been to Paris, I seem to only see and hear... [Laughs nervously, then looks to Müller] This wouldn't be Reichsführer Himmler! [Looks back to 'Himmler', suddenly very nervous] Would it?
AAntonovitch
Who is this man?
MMüller
Ex-Commandant Klink, your excellency, from Stalag 13. Suspected of complicity in the Tiger matter.
Your excellency, I am completely innocent! All I've done- with the exception of some harmless delusions- all I've done is come to Paris on my seven-day leave and never had such misery, sir. Never.
AAntonovitch
When is your leave up?
Tomorrow, sir!
AAntonovitch
[To Müller] Let him out.
Oh, thank you, sir! Your reputation for generosity and fairness-
MMüller
Let him out?!
AAntonovitch
Tomorrow.
S2 E12Will The Real Adolf Please Stand Up?
[General Burkhalter arrives at Stalag 13 as Carter is impersonating Adolf Hitler.]
Ah, General Burkhalter, you're just in time! The Fuehrer has just made a surprise visit to Stalag 13!
The Fuehrer, here?
And in an excellent mood!
I must greet him at once!
[Burkhalter eagerly goes to greet "Hitler" but halts as he notices what he is saying.]
I would have won the war a long time ago if it wasn't for my generals! All they do is eat, and have good times!
Really?
Ja. I have one general who looks like a stuffed goose! But believe me, one day, the goose will hang high, BY HIS EARS!
On second thought, perhaps I will see the Fuehrer some other time.
[as Hitler] Everything I do is a surprise, even to me!
S2 E13Don't Forget To Write
LeBeau! Wake up, LeBeau!
I'm sleeping. Come back in an hour.
An hour?! Are you crazy? You're an escaped prisoner, let's go!
S2 E14Klink's Rocket
GVGeneral von Lintzer
I think it only fair to tell you that I employ somewhat different tactics than Lieutenant Klink!
Colonel Klink.
GVGeneral von Lintzer
Don't bet on it!
GVGeneral von Lintzer
Colonel Hogan, I must congratulate you on your honesty. The reconnaissance flight verified the new factory near Leadingham.
You sure know how to rub it in, General.
GVGeneral von Lintzer
And tonight, the new factory will be reduced to rubble. I personally will lead the bombing mission.
And of course everyone knows that the General is one of our finest pilots! By the way, General, when you go to Berlin, you'll mention my name? Say a few words here and there.
GVGeneral von Lintzer
Words? I believe I will put in a few words. "Negligence, inefficiency, irresponsibility, stupidity". As soon as I get back from the raid, I will take care of you.
[Von Lintzer gets in his staff car and leaves.]
Hm. I heard that in school, von Lintzer was your dearest friend.
Ja, ja. Ja.
You would've been better off with an enemy.
S2 E15Information Please
MKMajor Kohler
Sir. May I ask...
Yes.
MKMajor Kohler
Do you actually suspect Klink of disloyalty?
Disloyalty? No. Stupidity, yes.
Those staff officers, they are so clever.
Klink! I am a staff officer!
I didn't mean you, sir; you're not clever. [Burkhalter glares at him.] You're clever, sir! You're clever!
Shut up, Klink.
Be careful if you run into any patrols. He speaks German like a native, which he is.
RRAF Captain
I believe I have a solution. [Puts his pistol to Schmidt's head.]
Good show, old boy.
S2 E16Art For Hogan's Sake
Carter, will you watch it?
Sorry, I'm not too good with ears.
If you don't mind, I've gotten used to having one on each side of my head!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Hogan's Heroes pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.