Hogan's Heroes quotes

There's a barn on this road, two kilometers beyond the town. Be there two nights from tonight with the diamonds.

Hogan

And if we fail?

I will come to Stalag 13 and shoot you and your men.

Hogan

How would you justify that?

Oh, I'll think of something at the last minute.

Hogan

Hagel, you're a real fun person.

Whether you live or die is entirely up to you.

Hogan

And Colonel Klink. We're still his prisoners. You'll have to shoot him, too, and take over the camp.

That'll take at least another ten minutes.

Kinchloe

Colonel Hogan, in response from London concerning your request for $1 million dollars worth of diamonds: Quote: "Are you nuts?" Unquote.

Klink

Repoooort!

Schultz

Herr Kommandant, all present and accounted for.

Klink

Good. Now, men, I have a very important announcement to make.

Newkirk

Hey, they're gonna surrender!

LeBeau

Good move!

Carter

Hey, the Krauts are gonna surrender!

Who told you?

Carter

I just heard it!

Klink

Colonel Hogan, control your men!

Hogan

I can't, sir, the news of your surrender is-

Klink

Who said anything about a surrender?

Hogan

You did.

Klink

When?

Hogan

Just now, you used the word yourself.

Klink

Only to deny it!

Hogan

Well, I had to start somewhere.

Klink

Silence!

Hogan

Okay, men, the surrender's off!

Klink

Now I've just had word that General Stauffen of the Fuehrer's headquarters will personally visit Stalag 13. I expect every prisoner in this camp to clean up and look neat.

Newkirk

Can't do it. Somebody stole me mascara brush!

Hogan, you saved my life, and our cause. How can I thank you?

Hogan

When you see Hitler, make sure your meeting goes over with a bang.

Yesterday, I was only worried about the Russian front, today it looks like paradise. Hogan, what am I going to do?

Colonel Hogan

Put your fingers in your ears.

What was that?!

Colonel Hogan

Sounded like a staff car blowing up.

Colonel Hogan

Coincidence, another staff car blowing up."

You knew those cars were going to blow up! How?

Colonel Hogan

It's obvious sir, the Wehrmacht and Gestapo double-crossed each other.

Do you expect me to believe that?

Colonel Hogan

No sir, but it'll look neater in your report to Berlin.

Schultz

There's a new general in command of the military district. Tomorrow, he will be here for inspection.

Hogan

I can hardly wait.

Schultz

The orders are to clean up the barracks-

-Clean up the compound, and clean up yourself!

General, what is it?

Are my eyes deceiving me? No, it couldn't be- [Turns to Klink] That sergeant standing over there-?

You mean Schultz?

It is! Hans!

Schultz

Can it be? Ach, du lieber! Lieutenant Kammler!

How good to see you!

Schultz

Oh, Lieutenant! Ah, you are a General!

Yes, yes, and you are a sergeant- well, Germany makes lots of mistakes.

Schultz

No mistake. You were always a very bright boy!

We fought together in the first war. At the Ardennes, and at Ypres. I was just a young lieutenant; I didn't know anything at all. Schultz saved my life.

Charming!

Yes, yes. Charming.

And here we are, Hans, two German soldiers fighting another war!

Schultz

Keeps us out of trouble!

Hogan

All right, look. Orders from London are to hide you until the Krauts stop looking for you. Then we'll smuggle you to England.

Four men. Is it possible?

Hogan

No, but we'll do it anyway. First thing is to get you into Stalag 13.

You hide us in a prisoner of war camp?

Hogan

We're the only motel for miles around.

Klink

Ha! How did you know it was a new code book?

Hogan

You wouldn't be so upset if it was an old code book. Now, be honest; would you?

Klink

No, I suppose not.

Liebchen, when you kiss me, the ground shakes.

Newkirk

Either you've got it or you haven't.

Schultz

I know nothing! Sometimes I even forget who we are fighting.

Klink

I don't care what you do with it just get building 12 ready for these officers!

Schultz

Jawohl Herr Kommandant! [Opens office door.] Beer is not important?