Oh, what an unexpected pleasure, Herr General!
Actually, I had no intention of stopping here. But there was a bombing attack on the road that started me thinking-
Oh, what a brilliant idea! Now only a man of your experience could-
[Smiles] Klink? Shut up and let me finish.
Of course Herr General. Excuse me.
I suppose you are curious about that. [Gestures to the flat rectangular box his men brought in.]
Thank you, Herr General! Thank you very much!
Really? What a marvelous sense of humor.
I've just been to Paris on military business.
While I was there, I realized that Goering's birthday is only a few weeks away!
Oh, yes, sir, I know, I have the date right here in my calendar!
[Sergeant Schultz, pretending to be a general in the German Army, is covering for Hogan, LeBeau, Suzette and Verlaine while two Gestapo officers attempt to search the Paris apartment.]
How dare you come here, and disturb a general of the Third Reich.
1G1st Gestapo Man
Only doing our duty, sir. We had no idea that you were-
Oh, you- you had no idea. You didn't know that a general might want to spend an afternoon with his, uh, with his, uh-
Niece. Thank you, darling.
1G1st Gestapo Man
I assure you, General, we had no intention of intruding upon your privacy.
No. You didn't! Should it ever happen again, I will report you to your superior officer, and then to his superior officer, and then even to his superior officer! I will report it all the way up, until it comes back to me! And if I ever... report it to myself... [Growls] Are you going to be in trouble.
[The two Gestapo men hurry for the door and leave.]
They did? Why did you let them go?!
Gentlemen, this is most embarrassing. In broad daylight-
I still think we should send a squad to look-
Shut up, Klink. Right in the middle of Germany.
GGGerman General
And not a trace of him!
Well, this never would've happened had I-
Klink! He could be anywhere by now.
Yes, Herr General. But, General, may I suggest-
Be careful you don't suggest yourself all the way to the Russian Front!
FMField Marshal von Heinke
I order you to make immediate arrangements for my exchange! Those are my orders. Carry them out.
Such a loud signal! The English must have an excellent transmitter.
[Glares at Klink] We have an excellent receiver.
That was Field Marshal von Heinke. May we have your reply immediately?
I guess we have no choice.
That voice. I have heard it somewhere before.
Certainly, dummkopf! That's von Heinke!
No, Herr General, the other voice. Hogan... that's Hogan! One of my prisoners, right here! [In the barracks, Carter hears Klink through a listening device and hands it to Hogan, who hurries over to the camp office.] Now, gentlemen, I am convinced something is wrong. General Burkhalter, with all due respect to you, I think this may be a false message.
[Behind them, Hogan comes into the camp office and sits down.]
Now, it would take me just one minute to find- [Turns around and sees Hogan.] Hogan!
You thought he was on the radio?
Sergeant Schultz told me one of our planes was missing.
General, I still think it is possible that the message on the radio was not the genuine article.
[Just then, Newkirk, doing an impression of Prime Minister Winston Churchill, begins speaking from the radio.]
Generals of the Third Reich, this is the Prime Minister speaking. We offer you this exchange in the full expectation for you to reply in an honourable manner. We in turn, will fulfill our part of the bargain. We await your immediate reply in order that we may speedily affect this arrangement to our mutual satisfaction.
Inform Communications... we accept. [looks at Klink] Unless, Klink, you thought that was Hogan, too?
Now, Hogan, I want you to know that this will not go unpunished. Right, Schultz? [Schultz isn't paying attention] Right, Schultz?!
Jawohl, Herr Kommandant! Someone will be punished!
The one who is responsible, right, Schultz?
Jawohl, Herr Kommandant, the one who is responsible!
The one who is to see to it that lights out are at the proper time. Right, Schultz?
Jawohl, Herr Kommandant, the one who is to see to it... [Realizes] that lights out...
[Klink holds out his hand]
I'll take your three-day pass now.
[A group of Waffen-SS officers, led by SS-Colonel Deutsch, have arrived at Stalag 13.]
What would they be doing here?
Maybe they came to capture us again. Very thorough, the Germans.
SCSS-Colonel Deutsch
I never worry about prisoners. I never take any.
SCSS-Colonel Deutsch
I like my enemy only one way: dead.
[Deutsch takes a stielhandgranate from one of his men.]
Colonel! What are you doing?!
[Ignoring Klink, Deutsch throws the grenade at the formation of prisoners, who all dive for cover except for Hogan, who doesn't move. He calmly picks up the grenade and walks up to Deutsch with it.]
Oh, Colonel, you seem to have dropped something.
SCSS-Colonel Deutsch
My compliments, Colonel. Tell me, how did you know it was a blank?
Easy. For a live grenade, you would've been the first to run. You see, both you and I know you're not a member of a super race.
SCSS-Colonel Deutsch
[angered] After our war games, I shall teach you respect for the SS!
Carter, pull over in case that laboratory wants to pass us.
Oh, it's not gonna pass us. It's gonna go straight up. See, with that kinda structure, the-
Carter, forget it, forget it. Keep driving.
[Hogan is hiding a scientist who wants to defect to the Allies in Klink's office, having fooled Klink and his staff into believing it is Hitler, taking refuge from an assassination attempt. Major Hochstetter knows it's the doctor, but this only makes him look like an assassin to Klink]
[Standing outside the closed office door] Your excellency, I had no idea! A promotion? To Berlin?!
[As Hitler] You still have no idea. Listen carefully. In my inner circle I can trust no one. Himmler will double-cross me like a shot, Goebbels' eyes are too close together, and Goering is too fat! Never trust a fat man, Klink!
Indeed, your excellency! Never trust a fat man!
But I am getting tired of my burden. There is no gratitude. In a few weeks, I will appoint a successor. The one man in the whole miserable Third Reich who has proven worthy of my trust! YOU, Klink!
[Klink's knees buckle, and Hogan has to catch him from falling]
Your excellency. I will try to be worthy of it! Heil Hitler!
[Major Hochstetter returns to Stalag 13, demanding that Klink surrender the man in hiding. For possibly the first time, Klink is entirely sure of himself]
Well, now, Klink, are you ready to hand him over to me?
Major Hochstetter! A new order is coming, a new order! One which will sweep vermin like you into the delousing station of history!
[Hochstetter stares at him, too stunned and furious to speak]
You are under arrest. Schultz!
[Schultz stares at Klink, just as surprised as Hochstetter]
[Hochstetter storms off; Klink begins pacing the yard, strutting confidently]
