Maj. Wolfgang Hochstetter quotes from Hogan's Heroes

Hochstetter

Are you calling a Gestapo informant a liar?!

Klink

Why would I do a thing like that?

Hochstetter

Because your head is in the noose. You have been running a country home for prairie dogs. They dig while you sleep! WAKE UP, Klink! Enjoy the little time you have left!

Klink

Major Hochstetter, I shall... [Stutters nervously] certainly try.

Klink

Shoot to kill? What do you have in the truck? Prisoners?

Hochstetter

No, dancing girls. Of course, prisoners, you Dummkopf!

Hochstetter

The most important prisoners you will ever see. Every important leader of the underground movement.

Hogan

My congratulations, Major Hochstetter.

Hochstetter

What is this man doing here?

Klink

Oh, I'm so sorry. Major Hochstetter, this is the American prisoner, Colonel Hogan. Colonel Hoga-

Hochstetter

Klink, did I ask for an introduction?

Hogan

I just thought I'd show the new prisoners around-with your permission, of course.

Hochstetter

(miffed) What is this man doing here?

Klink

Schultz! Escort Colonel Hogan to the barracks at once!

Schultz

Jawohl, Herr Kommandant!

Hochstetter

(Hochstetter and Klink walk away from Hogan)A special armed guard is coming to take these prisoners to Berlin. In the meantime, I want you to prepare a maximum security block for them.

Klink

Yes, sir, maximum security. You can depend on me, heh, heh.

Hochstetter

I am sure it's not necessary to tell you what would happen to you should there be an escape, hmm?

Klink

An escape from Stalag 13? (Laughs) That's a good on-

Hochstetter

You will be shot.

Klink

[fearful] That's another good one.

Hochstetter

(Klink and Hochstetter walk back, pass Hogan, and turn around, realizing he is still there)(Screaming) WHAT IS THIS MAN DOING HERE?!?!

Hogan

Your, uh- your prisoners have decided to leave us, but it's a long hike into town. I was wondering if they might borrow your car.

Hochstetter

Borrow my car?

Hogan

Well, they'll return it tomorrow. Won't you, fellas? These are gonna be big men in industry. And who knows, you may need a job!

Hochstetter

Well, I don't-

Hogan

Look, I tell ya what; I'll sign for it. If they don't return it, I'll pay for it!

Hochstetter

Yes, but-

Hogan

Well, what difference does it make? The war's over!

Hochstetter

Well, yes, the war is over... but... [gives up] Oh, all right, take the car.

The what... is what?

Hochstetter

The war. It's over.

The war is over...?

Klink

That's right, General! Haven't you heard?

No! And neither have the Americans! They bombed Berlin just one half-hour ago!

Hogan

You mean the war isn't over?

Of course it is not over!

Hogan

Gee, Hochstetter. What a bad break. And after you let those four Underground prisoners go. Should make a lot of friends for the Gestapo.

[Furious] You stupid fool, you! You have been tricked! [turns to Klink] And you! You, you, you idiot, you! I will see to it that-

Hogan

Sir, I hate to butt in, but all of Colonel Klink's prisoners are still here.

Klink

Yes! Yes, that's right! [hurries to the office window and opens it] SCHULTZ! CLOSE THE GATES! THE WAR IS BACK ON!

Hochstetter

[barges in on Klink] No one goes in or out of this camp until further notice.

Klink

Major Hochstetter, I am still in charge of this camp!

Hochstetter

The Gestapo is now in charge.

Hogan

By whose orders?

Hochstetter

(hands orders to Klink) By General Burkhalter's orders.

Klink

(hands orders to Hogan without reading them) That's good enough for me. Are you satisfied, Hogan?

Hogan

(reads orders) Mm-hmm, satisfied.

Hochstetter

WHAT IS THIS MAN DOING HERE?!

Klink

Yes, Hogan, what are you doing here?

Hogan

Undergoing intensive interrogation. He's brutal, sir. Brutal.

Klink

Yes, sir, I am.

Hochstetter

BAHHHH!!!(storms out of office)

Hogan

Would you mind lowering your voice, Major? You're going to bring the property values down in this neighborhood.

Hochstetter

What is this man doing here?

Klink

You see, Major Hochstetter, the escaped prisoner, and my efficient, trusted, and dependable Sergeant.

Schultz

Where, where?

Hochstetter

If you had run your camp properly, Klink, he never would have escaped in the first place.

Hogan

Can you fellas finish this discussion later? We're dying to get back to camp.

Hochstetter

What is this man doing here?

Klink

Major Hochstetter, I assure you-

Hochstetter

You have delayed me for long enough. We are going to search this building.

Newkirk

For what?

Klink

He thinks that there is an underground contact here.

Hogan

We didn't see anybody.

Klink

You see? I told you-

Hochstetter

(screaming) WHAT IS THIS MAN DOING HERE?!?!?!?!

Hogan

You're shouting again. Somebody is going to call a cop.

Hochstetter

The plans, you gave him the plans!

General Burkhalter

Those plans are for a dirigible, a big bag filled with hot air, just like you!

Klink

May I ask what the dynamite is for?

Hochstetter

You may not.

Klink

Then I won't.