Toast quotes from Histeria!

Toast

Watch Histeria!, on Kids' W--

Pepper Mills

Hold it! "His! His! His!" It's always about guys! What about Hersteria!?

Toast

Whoa...

Pepper Mills

Like, you always hear about the fronitersmen. What happened to the frontierswomen?

Toast

Whoa...

Pepper Mills

And Thomas Jefferson? What about Thomas Jeffer's daughter?

Toast

I never thought of that. Hey, how about Florence Nightengale, and Lawrence Nightengale?

Pepper Mills

It's only fair!

Toast

Pizza's here!

René Descartes

What?

Toast

Here's your pepperoni pizza with extra barbecue sauce, hold the anchovies.

René Descartes

I didn't order any pizza!

Toast

Yeah ya did, I got the order right here.

René Descartes

That is not my address; this is for Galileo. He lives in Italy.

Toast

Well, I don't think I can get there in a half-hour or less.

Aka Pella

Like, mister, are you okay?

Toast

I think the dude's having a nervous breakdown.

René Descartes

Oh, you think so, do you?! Well, I think that -- Think? Think! That's it! "I think, therefore I am!" I did it! I did it, huhuhu! [in singsong] I found a basic axiom upon which to be acknowledged!

Toast

Spare me the details, brainy-dude. Can I get paid for the pizza now?

René Descartes

No no no, wait wait, I'm on a role! "I think, therefore I am!" Don't you see? It is so simple! If I think, then I exist. If I don't think, then I don't exist! Now I can solve any mystery known to man! Go ahead, ask me something! Something!

Toast

Who's gonna pay for this pizza?

René Descartes

I--I don't know. I have absolutely no idea. I can't think! Therefore I am-- [suddenly vanishes]

Toast

Gone, chuh! The dude stiffed me!

Loud Kiddington

What a gyp!!

Toast

Hey! Don't disappear on me, deadbeat philosopher dude! Think yourself back into existence! Somebody's gotta pay for the pie, man!

Father Time

[about Alexander the Great naming cities after himself] But for travelers, it could get confusing.

Toast

Yo, excuse me. Could you tell me how to get to Alexandria?

Sure thing, bubby. Just head southeast into Persia, cross the Zambrose Mountains, and when you hit Afghanistan, turn right at Kabul. You can't miss it.

Toast

Whoa, that's kinda far. Uh, how about Alexandria?

OK, y'know where Merv and Central Asia used to be?

Toast

Yeah.

Bingo!

Toast

Central Asia, huh? Well, what about Alexandria?

Ohboy, darlin', you just went right past it! Just turn around and make tracks about 1200 kilometers worth, and when you hit the Libyan Border, hang a right to the Mediterranean Sea. Then you row-row-row your boat, uno-dos-tres, and when you find yourself around a bunch of naked armless statues, you're there!

Toast

Uh... well, that really sounds out of the way. Do you think Alexandria would be closer?

Oh, you mean that Alexandria! Dreamboat, you're here!

Father Time

That's right! Your very first wet nurse!

Toast

Uh... what's a wet nurse?

And now, a word from Noah Webster.

Wet nurse. Noun, meaning a woman who cares for and suckles children not of her own.

Eww, gross!

Toast

Intense reekage!

Charity Bazaar

I'm really not happy.

Lydia Karaoke

And I had such high hopes for this show.

It's not snack time! I want your opinion.

Toast

Oh, well, I'd lose the hat, dude. It reeks.

No, not my wardrobe! If you were going to invade Rome, which way would you go?

Toast

[stares at the map and turns it upside-down] Uh... let's see...

[points to map] It's right here!!

Toast

Oh, right, gotcha. Uh... okay, I would go, like, uh... this way?

Of course you would! Because you have the I.Q. of a fence! Which is precisely why we will go through the Alps, and invade from the North instead! Assemble the troops!

Toast

Woah, check me out! I'm like, a military strategist. That's pretty cool, huh?

Froggo

Captain Columbus, sir?

Christopher Columbus

Yes, what is it?

Froggo

We've finished cleaning your maps.

Christopher Columbus

Cleaning my maps?

Lucky Bob

Yes now!

Froggo

We wiped off those squiggly red lines that someone drew all over them.

Christopher Columbus

You did WHAT?!!? I drew those lines after spending hours upon hours, calculating our exact course! Now I have no idea where we are! Waaaaaaaaaaah!

Toast

What's with him, bro?

Froggo

I'm not sure, but I think we erased his math homework.

Miss Information

And so it was in 1492 that Christopher Columbus, with a little help from his friends, found America!

Toast

Guh! I didn't know it was missing!

Toast

Totally excuse us, captain-dude! But it's time for us to clean out your quarters!

Froggo

And when we're finished, we'll clean out your dimes and nickels.

Who keeps letting these kids in? The great Khan is tryin' to relax! Hello?! I'm guessing someone in security wants to lose his head over this!

Toast

Ho-oh! Sorry about about that, great Khan dude. We got a little distracted.

Froggo

The WB is running the Sister, Sister marathon. Oh, how they make us laugh.

Loud Kiddington

Major Loud Kiddington, at your service!

I like this brock.

Loud Kiddington

Would you like it with some corn?

I like it with some corn,

Loud Kiddington

How about here on Air Force One?

Yes! here on Air Force One, with a toast.

Loud Kiddington

Would you, could you, yes maybe?

I could maybe even with Big Fat Baby.

Loud Kiddington

How about in your limousine,

I like in my limousine, even with a beauty queen, even with Big Fat Baby on Air Force One with a toast, I like it with some corn

Loud Kiddington

Try it and i think you'll see,

If i try this brock,

Loud Kiddington

We adults thank you, President Bush,

WE LIKE BROKK!

Toast

Mr. President-dude! Ow! Thanks for coming and stuff.

Ow! Dee-lighted! What's wrong here, friend? Ow!

Toast

Well - dang! - for starters, just look! Ow! Mondo disease! The canal-digging is slowing down because everyone's getting sick - ow - with malaria and yellow fever! Ow!

Hmmm... ow! The same two blasted diseases that crippled the French when they were digging the canal! Ow!

Toast

Ow! Whaddaya think - ow! - is causing it? Ow!

Ow! I don't know. Ow!

Toast

Could it be - ohw! - the food?

Ow! I don't think so.

Toast

Humidity? Goh!

Ow! Doubtful. Ohw!

Toast

Ow! Tight pants?

Nuh-uh. Ouch!

Toast

Bean-bag babies? Ow!

Ow! Not likely.

Toast

Smell of gin?

Who?

Toast

Never mind. Ow!

Ow!

Toast

Those little bobbing-head dolls?

Ow! Nope.

Toast

Too much - ow! - pocket change?

Yeow! I don't think so.

Toast

Tapioca pudding? Ouch!

Hey, maybe... naw. Ow!

Toast

Ow! Anything starting with the letter Q? Ow!

No! Ow!

Toast

Spanish peanuts? Owh!

No! Oww!

Toast

Aliens from Mars wearing golf shoes and lipstick?

No, no, and you need help. Ow! Well, whatever it is, it's making the men sick. These pesky mosquitoes sure are driving me crazy!

Toast

Quick, dude! Get me a fan!

Loud Kiddington

Check! [lifts in Pepper]

Pepper Mills

Ahahaha! Sir Toastalot! [hugs Toast] You're the dreamiest!

Toast

[still holding Pepper in arms, lifting her into the air] No, dude, the other kind of fan!

Loud Kiddington

Double check! [Loud then sweeps Pepper away from Toast's arms and puts her in his own, and throws her out of the way. He replaces her with a giant fan.]

[mockingly] Missed me, missed me, and now you've got to kiss me!

Ha-haa! We've done it! We've finally broken through!

And now it's time to use our nastiest weapons!

Toast

Yeah, dudes! Those weapons are pretty nasty, all right. But they're not as nasty as ours! Bring out the secret weapon!

Lucky Bob

One secret weapon coming up!

Awwww! Look at the cute little baby! Koochie koochie koo!

Charity Bazaar

I'm still not happy.

Toast

Hey, remember dudes, no matter how you fight your battles, war stinks!