Father Time quotes from Histeria!

Father Time

Hi gang, Pop Quiz here! We ask several historical questions for our players then act flabbergasted at their overwhelming ignorance!

Father Time

In history, Stalin was a despot, a murderer, a Communist dictator. But on The WB, he's the star of his own sitcom, My Buddy Stalin!

Father Time

For the greatest ideas in history, check out a library. But for the funniest idea in history, check out...

Loud Kiddington

HISTERIA!

This is a library!

Shhhhhhhh!

Father Time

Watch Histeria!, weekday mornings on Kids' WB!

...at home, where you can laugh as loud as you want.

Loud Kiddington

BETTER!

Father Time

[about Alexander the Great naming cities after himself] But for travelers, it could get confusing.

Toast

Yo, excuse me. Could you tell me how to get to Alexandria?

Sure thing, bubby. Just head southeast into Persia, cross the Zambrose Mountains, and when you hit Afghanistan, turn right at Kabul. You can't miss it.

Toast

Whoa, that's kinda far. Uh, how about Alexandria?

OK, y'know where Merv and Central Asia used to be?

Toast

Yeah.

Bingo!

Toast

Central Asia, huh? Well, what about Alexandria?

Ohboy, darlin', you just went right past it! Just turn around and make tracks about 1200 kilometers worth, and when you hit the Libyan Border, hang a right to the Mediterranean Sea. Then you row-row-row your boat, uno-dos-tres, and when you find yourself around a bunch of naked armless statues, you're there!

Toast

Uh... well, that really sounds out of the way. Do you think Alexandria would be closer?

Oh, you mean that Alexandria! Dreamboat, you're here!

Father Time

The place, Boston Harbor. The date, December 16, 1773. Tea time, 4 PM sharp! But does the party start on time?! Noooo!

Well, Lendall Pitts, Paul Revere, and I were running a little late.

Father Time

For guys who're gonna be called Minutemen, you'd think one of them could wear a watch!

Father Time

Everyone be very, very quiet. The slightest sound could make this whole place crumble to pieces.

Miss Information

I just hope there's no truth to the curse of King Tut's tomb.

Loud Kiddington

Curse?! There's a curse?!

Miss Information

Quiet!

Loud Kiddington

What kind of a curse?!

Miss Information

Shh!

Loud Kiddington

I didn't know there was a curse!

Miss Information

Shh! The walls could collapse on all of us.

Loud Kiddington

I don't want to hear about any curse!

Fetch

I'm with him!

Father Time

That's right! Your very first wet nurse!

Toast

Uh... what's a wet nurse?

And now, a word from Noah Webster.

Wet nurse. Noun, meaning a woman who cares for and suckles children not of her own.

Eww, gross!

Toast

Intense reekage!

Charity Bazaar

I'm really not happy.

Lydia Karaoke

And I had such high hopes for this show.

Father Time

1766 B.C. brought with it the Shan Dynasty, which led to the use of bows, arrows, and spears.

Froggo

Spears for fighting our enemies.

Loud Kiddington

ARROWS FOR DEFENDING OUR FAMILIES!!

Pepper Mills

And bows for final touches on our snappy hairstyles! Ahahahaha! I love it!

Lucky Bob

My friends call me Lucky Bob.

Father Time

Do you want me to call you Lucky Bob?

Lucky Bob

That would make you my friend.

Father Time

No thanks.

Father Time

If you're through, I'll introduce challenger #2, whose name is...

[pushes her buzzer] Thuthanna Thuthquahanna.

Father Time

I thought it was Susanna Susquahanna.

That'th what I thaid.

Father Time

Oh very good then. We have Bob and Thuthanna.

That'th true.

Father Time

Sorry, no points for getting your own name right.

Father Time

In 218 B.C., Hannibal finally reached the Italian border.

Prepare to meet the wrath of the great Hannibal, you Roman dogs!

It's Loud Kiddington and his dog, Fetch!

Now what?!

Loud Kiddington

Howdy, Hannibal!

Fetch

Your lease on the elephants is up, and you've exceeded your mileage!

Huh?

Loud Kiddington

That'll be 10,000 dinari!

Fetch

Payment due!

[laughs] I'm Hannibal! The greatest general the world's ever known! I don't pay bills! Now get out of my way before I turn you into roadkill!

Loud Kiddington

Have it your way! [He claps his hands twice, causing the elephants to sling their riders into the dirt. Loud and the Kid Chorus taunt them from atop an elephant.] So long, deadbeats!

Father Time

Unfortunately...[He is interrupted by Big Fat Baby falling off a barrel.]...this transition from superstition to science was a slow one.

(off-screen) AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!

OK class, you have three apples and then you pick two more. What do ya have?

Charity Bazaar

A bunch of stuff.

Uh, close enough. Ok, what do you have if I take away three?

Charity Bazaar

Not so much stuff.

Uh, close enough.

Father Time

In 1489, the plus and minus signs first came into use.

Charity Bazaar

[holding up a paper graded with an F-] You know, I wish I could go back to the good old days.

Father Time

The year, 245 BC. The place, Syracuse, Sicily. The scientist, Archimedes, Greek mathematician known as the father of geometry.

Hi pop, I'm home.

Well, my classmates beat me up again!

It's sad. A lot of kids seem to hate Geometry!

Father Time

Then in 8000 BC came...

Loud Kiddington

THE NEOLITHIC PERIOD, OR NEW STONE AGE!

Father Time

When wild animals were tamed by farmers.

Loud Kiddington

Including pigs!

Eh, th-t-t-t-t-t-t--

Loud Kiddington

Chickens!

Ah'm a rooster, son, not a chicken! Pay at-ah say, pay attention, boy! Ah'm talkin' to ya! Kid doesn't listen to a word Ah say.

Loud Kiddington

And the very first cow! [A cow falls on Foghorn.]