Dipper Pines quotes from Gravity Falls

Preston

Look at who you're talking to, boy. I'm hosting a party for the most powerful people in the world. You think they'd come here if they had to rub elbows with your kind?

Dipper

"My kind"? [Looks at Pacifica] I was right about you all along. You're just as bad as your parents. Another link in the world's worst chain.

Pacifica

I'm sorry, they made me! I should've told you, but-

Stan

[drops toxic waste on his foot] HOT BELGAN WAFFLES! Wait, I'm alone. I can swear for real. [inhales] SON OF A-

Dipper

That's him, alright.

Stan

I wanted to say that you're gonna hear some bad things about me, and some of them are true, but trust me. Everything I've worked for, everything I care about, it's all for this family!

Dipper

Mabel, what if he's lying? This thing could destroy the universe! Listen to your head!

Stan

Look into my eyes, Mabel! You really think I'm a bad guy?

Dipper

He's lying! Shut it down NOW!

Stan

Mabel, please!

Ten. Nine.

Mabel

Grunkle Stan...

Six. Five.

Mabel

...I trust you.

Dipper

MABEL, ARE YOU CRAZY?! WE'RE ALL GONNA-!

One.

Dipper

What...? Who is that?

Stan

The author of the journals. [The author sheds his headscarf revealing his face; he looks identical to Stan] My brother.

Mabel

Is this the part where one of us faints?

Soos

Oh, I am so on it, dude. [Does so]

Ford

I've got some questions about all this myself, Stanley.

Dipper

Stanley?

Mabel

But... your name is Stanford.

Ford

Wait, you took my name? What have you been doing all these years, you knuckle-head?

Dipper

Yeah, Grunkle Stan, no more lies. You owe us some answers: What's the deal with this portal? Why did you keep this a secret?

Mabel

And what happened between you and your brother?

Soos

I hope all of this aligns exactly with my fan-fiction, Stan. If not, I will be very disappointed.

Stan

Finally, after all these long years of waiting, you're actually here. Brother!

Ford

[Punches him in the face]

Stan

Oh! Ow! What the heck was that for?

Ford

This was an insanely risky move: restarting the portal. Didn't you read my warnings?

Stan

Warnings, schmarnings. How's about maybe a thanks for saving you from what appears to be, I don't know, some kind of sci-fi sideburn dimension?

Ford

Thank you? You really think I'm gonna thank you after what you did thirty years ago?

Stan

What I did? Why, you ungrateful... [Tries to punch him but Ford ducks and grabs him] Don't expect me to go easy on you, just because you're family. [As Ford slams him to the ground] Ah!

Mabel

Hey, hi. Mabel here. Quick question: What the heck is going on here?!

Ford

Stan, you didn't tell me there were children down here. And some sort of large, hairless gopher?

Soos

Heh heh. I get that a lot.

Stan

They're your family, Poindexter. Shermie's grandkids.

Ford

I...have a niece and nephew? [Shakes Mabel's hand] Greetings. Do kids still say greetings? I haven't been in this dimension for a really long time.

Mabel

Whoa, a six-fingered handshake? It's a full finger friendlier than normal.

Ford

Heha, I like this kid. She's weird.

Dipper

I-I can't believe it... You're the author of the journals!

Ford

You've read my journals?

Dipper

I haven't just read them; I've lived them! I've been waiting for so long to meet you, I-I don't know what to say I have so many question I [Starts breathing heavily] OOH I THINK I'M GONNA THROW UP. [Mabel comes over and pats him on the back] Hmmpf! No-no, false alarm. Hmmpf! Just gotta ride it out.

Ford

[voiceover] I knew I'd have to record my findings. [in flashback, Stanford traces his hand on gold paper and uses it to create Journal 1] I began to keep a journal.

Dipper

[squeals excitedly] The journals! [everyone stares at Dipper] Sorry, sorry, just uh... [clears throat] ...got excited there about the journals. Keep...keep talking.

Ford

I began to keep a journal. [Dipper squeals again; clears throat] Just going to ignore that…

Stan

[voiceover] I couldn't leave my brother's house until I figured out how to save him, but I needed to pay his mortgage somehow. [Stanley renovates Stanford's house into the Mystery Shack] So once in my life, people were actually buying what I was selling. And so, the Murder Hut was born! Later renamed the Mystery Shack.

Stan

[voiceover] Finally, I found something I was good at. For once, being a liar and a cheap paid off. [Stanley grows up.] The old me was dead, and I faked a car crash to prove it. By day, I was Stanford Pines: Mr. Mystery! [Stan shows the crowd out and goes behind the vending machine.] But by night, I was down in the basement trying to bring the real Stanford back. I couldn't risk anyone learning the truth in sabotoging my mission, so I lied to everyone: the town, my family, your parents, even you kids.

Dipper

So all this time, you were just trying to save your brother. Grunkle Stan, I'm so sorry I didn't believe you.

Stan

That's okay, kid. I probably wouldn't have believed me either.

Dipper

Mabel! You'll never guess what I found at the store today!

Mabel

Dogs! Dogs with hats!

Mabel

Well, I do like unicorns, and that hot elf looks promising. How do you play?

Mabel

And then we ride unicorns?

Dipper

Yes. And no. First we make a graph.

Mabel

Ugh, this is like Homework: The Game!

Ford

Ah! My ears. They're so pointy.

Dipper

There better be something protective under this tunic... [checks] OH NO, THERE ISN'T!

Ford

Dipper, can I tell you something?

Ford

You asked me earlier what I was working on. Well, [pulls a curtain down to reveal the portal is gone] I dismantled the portal. An interdimensional gateway is too dangerous for the world it feeds into. That's why I was mad at Stan for using it. He saved me but, as I feared, the instability of the machine created this: [holds up a transparent sphere with a blob in it] an interdimensional rift. I've contained it for now, but it's incredibly dangerous. Dipper, I don't want you to tell anyone about this. Not Stan, not even your sister. You understand?

Dipper

Oh-uh, of course.

Ford

In my time I've made many powerful enemies, but I trust you with this secret. Now get yourself to bed. I have much research to do.

Dipper

Goodnight, Great Uncle Ford.

Ford

Goodnight, Dipper.

Dipper

[reading from parchment] Okay, Gravity Falls elections are based on two events. The Wednesday Stump Speech, held on an actual... stump, and the Friday Debate, wherein townsfolk throw birdseed at the candidate they like most. At the end, they release a "freedom eagle" who will fly to the candidate covered in more seed and bestow a birdly kiss upon him, anointing him mayor. [awkward pause] I couldn't make this up if I wanted to.

No way! You would never ever do that, dude… I mean, Dipper!

Dipper

And he's insisting on speaking his mind! [Ford is reading Journal 2 on his desk with a missing ripped page]

Ford

So this is an emergency.

Dipper

The Stump Speech is in a couple of days, and if he continues like this, we'll lose to Bud for sure.

Ford

[thinking] Hmm. It's a shame there isn't some device that will allow you to control someone else. [opens his drawer] Oh, wait! Of course, yes. There is. [Shows Dipper a red and blue striped tie] A long time ago, I designed a prototype for Ronald Reagan's masters. Just get Stan to wear this, and you can make him a literal talking head.

Dipper

[peers inside the tie] Whoa, this is amazing! And ethically ambiguous!

Ford

[gives another blue striped tie to Dipper] As long as you wear the matching one, he'll say and do whatever you want him to.

Dipper

Thank you, Great Uncle Ford! [runs off]

Ford

[waves, resumes his research] Yes, yes. Use it responsibly and all.

Stan

Hiya there! Stan Pines here. Let's get real. Do you think the women of Gravity Falls wear too much makeup?

Dipper

[to Mabel] Jump in! Jump in!

Stan

[Under Mabel's control] Uh, what I meant to say was: you ladies all look great. And have you done something with your hair? Girl, you are working it! [Snaps his fingers] I'm Stan Pines. You may know me as the guy who accidentally let all those bees loose in that elementary school a few years back. [Dipper quickly pulls the tie off of Mabel and puts it on, gaining control of Stan] But I believe in things. America. Freedom. Ameri-freedom! Like my opponent pointed out, I may not have a pretty face, but if you want a candidate that will listen to you, well, I'm proud to be all ears.

YES WE STAN! YES, WE STAN!

[on TV] This just in! Stanford Pines loses! [a picture of Stan with the word "DISQUALIFIED" on it is shown]

[watching] WHAT?!

Despite winning an overwhelming 95% of the vote, election officials had to disqualify him, due to discovery of an extensive criminal record.

Stan

Oh boy...

Mabel

Stan, what did you do?!

Stan

What didn't I do?

[reading through papers] Crimes include shoplifting, teaching bears to drive, a new crime he invented called "burgle-bezzlement", first-degree "llama-cide"...?

Stan

[shakes fist] That llama knew too much!

Due to this shocking development, it would appear the mayorship passes to the only candidate who actually filled out their paperwork: local enthusiasm enthusiast Tyler Cutebiker.

Tyler

[blushing] Got it.

[is handed a gigantic stack of paper to read from] We will dedicate the rest of this broadcast to listing Stan's crimes: first-degree thermometer theft, pug trafficking...

Stan

Whew! At least they didn't list any of the bad ones! On an unrelated topic, I have a lot of cheap pugs and I need to move them fast.