Dipper Pines quotes from Gravity Falls

Stan

Women. They're the real mystery, Dip. You ruin their date, drive their hippie boyfriend's van into a ravine, and somehow you're the "bad guy".

Dipper

No, it's my fault, I shouldn't have meddled in Wendy's personal life. She probably hates me now.

Stan

Ah, chin up, kid. You were tryin' to do the right thing even though you destroyed a relationship and part of my car.

Dipper

You think she'll ever forgive me?

Stan

Ah, I bet she will. And until then, you can always go bowling with me.

Dipper

Thanks, Grunkle Stan.

Stan

Don't mention it, kid. [gnawing is heard from outside] Wait a second... is something rooting through our trash? [cut to a Sev'ral Times member rooting through the trash can; Stan drives him away with a broom] Hey, hey! GET OUTTA HERE! Darn beautiful men. Always eating out of my trash. Wait, what?

Mabel

What if we told you we could find you a new queen? One even more beautiful than me.

Dipper

Her name is Gideon, and she has lovely white hair.

Hmmm, mature woman, huh? Shmebulock, get my cologne.

Shmebulock.

Is "Shmebulock" all you can say?

[nodding "yes"] Shmebulock.

Dipper

Gimme that back or I'll-

Gideon

Or you'll what, boy? You'll what? Huh, huh? No muscles, no brains. Face it, you're nothin' without this.

Dipper

Hey, Grunkle Stan? Me and Mabel have been talking, And I think there's something we should finally tell you. This is a journal I found in the woods. [Hands Journal 3 to Stan] It talks about all the crazy stuff that goes on in Gravity Falls. Gideon nearly destroyed the whole town trying to find it. I don't know what it means, or who wrote it. But, after all we've been through, maybe you should finally know about it.

Stan

I'm glad you showed me this, Dipper. [laughs] Now I know where you've been getting it all from. Spookums and monsters. This kooky book has been filling your head with crazy conspiracies.

Dipper

But it's all real.

Stan

Haha. You gotta quit readin' this fantasy nonsense for your own good. Although some of these would make great attractions. Can't come up with this stuff. Mind if I borrow this?

Dipper

Wait, no. Grunkle Stan.

Stan

"Magic book." [laughs more] Ridiculous. [leaves with the book]

Dipper

Stan, I need it!

Mabel

Dipper, you don't need that book! Don't you see? On your own you defeated a giant robot with nothing but your bare hands. You're a hero whether you've got that journal or not.

Dipper

Whoa. Thanks, Mabel. I still want it back though.

Mabel

I'm sure you'll get it back. What would a boring old man like Stan want with that book anyway?

Mabel

Dipper, what is the one thing I asked you not to do tonight?

Dipper

Raise the dead.

Mabel

And what did you do?

Dipper

Raise the dead.

What do we do, Chadley? I thought they were dead.

Far worse, Trixandra. They're NEARLY ALMOST DEAD BUT NOT QUITE!

Dipper

Man, these movies are a lot less scary when you've actually fought real zombies.

Wendy

They're slow. Just power-walk away from them.

Dipper

How much do you want to bet the guy dies first?

Ahhh! My face is being eaten a lot!

Wendy

Chadley ain't pretty no more.

Wendy

Listen Dipper, I'm like super flattered, but... I'm too old for you. I mean you know that, right?

Dipper

Mabel said confessing would make me feel better.

Wendy

Well how do you feel?

Dipper

Anxious. Scared. Kinda itchy.

Wendy

Dude, don't be itchy man. Let me tell you something. This summer was super boring until you showed up. I have more fun with you than like practically anybody else. And if you ever stopped being my friend... I would like throw myself into the Bottomless Pit!

Stan

Who wants Stan-cakes? They're like pancakes, but they've probably got some of my hair in them.

Dipper

Pass.

Mabel

Uh, I dunno, guys. I'm not sure I wanna get involved in your weird mini-blood feud.

Dipper

Pst, Mabel. This is perfect. These guys control the course. Just tell them you'll give the sticker to whichever group does a better job of helping us win.

Mabel

I'm not sure, Dipper. I wanna beat Pacifica, but doesn't this seem like... cheating?

Dipper

Pacifica's rich, Mabel. She's cheating at life.

Bill

Well, well, well. You're awfully persistent, Pine Tree. Hats off to you.

Dipper

You again!

Bill

Did you miss me? Admit it, you missed me.

Dipper

Hardly! You worked with Gideon, you tried to destroy my uncle's mind!

Bill

It was just a job, kid! No hard feelings. I've been keeping an EYE ON YOU since then, and I must say, I'm impressed.

Dipper

Really?

Bill

You deserve a prize. Here, have a head that's always screaming.

Bill

[cackles] The point is, I like you. How's about you let me give you a hint, huh? I only ask for a small... favor in return.

Dipper

I'd never do a favor for you! Don't forget who defeated you last time!

Bill

Right, you "defeated me". Well, if you ever change your mind, [pretends to grab Dipper's brain] I'll be here for you, ready to make a deal. Hey, wanna hear my impression of you in about three seconds? AAH! [come to reality, Dipper wakes up]

Dipper

AAH!

Dipper

[as a ghost] I'm gonna stop you, Bill! I'm going to find that journal before you do, and I'm gonna stop you!

Bill

[in Dipper's body] But how can you stop me if you don't exist? [cackles evilly]

Mabel

He loves it. This play has to be flawless. Can we wait until after the show?

Dipper

[as a sock puppet] Mabel, you want me to be a sock puppet forever?!

Mabel

[laughs] I'm sorry. You look funny when you're mad.

Mabel

Okay, okay, okay, just take over for me till I get back. Little puppet face.

Mabel

Don't worry. I've seen enough movies to know this is the part where the audience thinks it was all part of the show and loves it. Cue applause!

Mabel

Gabe. Stick around for the wrap party? We've got mini-quiches.

Don't speak to me, Mabel. You've made a mockery of my art form. Let's go, my loves. [leaves, kissing his puppets]

Dipper

Did he just make out with his puppets?

Mabel

I might've dodged a bullet there.

You did it, Shimmery Twinkleheart.

No, you did it, Cinnamon.

Mabel

[with Twinkleheart] Because you believed in yourself.

Dipper

Everything about this is bad.

Stan

Well, that just put me 90 minutes closer to death. Time you kids learned to watch the classics from my day.

Mabel

Ooh, old people movies. Get ready for references we don't understand and words we can't repeat.

You asked for it, you got it! An entire 48-hour marathon of Ghost Harassers, on the Used-To-Be-About-History Channel!

Dipper

[sips a Pitt cola] Be strong, bladder. We're not gonna move till sunset.