Dipper Pines quotes from Gravity Falls

Stan

Kid, I gotta admit something. I'm no expert on women. Truth is, I've been divorced once, and slapped more times than I can remember. Confidence can buy you a lot, but at the end of the day, pickup artists tend to get our heads bitten off. When it comes to women, I'm a failure.

Dipper

Hey, we're both failures.

Dipper

I still feel a little bad about wrecking those tourist traps.

Stan

Aw, come on! Everyone loves my pranks. And the best part is, I never have to face any consequen- SWEET LORD! [Stan stops the RV and sees the Mystery Shack already vandalised by the three tourist trap owners] AH, COME ON!

That's what you get! That's what you get!

Stan

I don't understand. I completely don't deserve this.

Dipper

Oh, man, are we gonna have to help clean this up?

Mabel

Nah, I'm sure Soos will take care of it. Where is Soos, anyway?

Soos

Okay, Soos, remember what your grandma taught you. When you get lost, stay exactly where you are, and don't move. [pause] Don't move. [another long pause] You know, I would make a really good scarecrow.

Mabel

Tell me it's not true, Dipper. Tell me you were joking. [holds up the walkie-talkie, through which she heard Dipper and Ford's conversation] Ford's apprentice? Seriously?!

Dipper

Look, I was thinking, and... this is a huge opportunity for me.

Mabel

Well, it's a horrible opportunity for me! I had the worst day of my life! When we turn thirteen, summer ends and I have to leave everything behind. You're the only person I could count on, and now you're leaving me too?!

Dipper

Look, I've been thinking about it. I won't be gone forever, okay? I'll still visit you at home, and we'll chat online. We'll make it work.

Mabel

I don't want it to work! I just wish summer could last forever.

Dipper

But it can't, Mabel. Look, things aren't gonna stay frozen this way. It's part of growing up. Things change. Summer ends.

Dipper

Mabel, wait! I didn't mean it like that! Mabel, come back!

"Blendin"

Look, maybe it's against the rules, but you once did a favor for me, so I thought I could help you out. It's called a Time Bubble. It prevents time from going forward. Summer in Gravity Falls can last as long as you want it to!

Mabel

R-really? But how does it work?

"Blendin"

I-I just need you to get a little gizmo for me from your uncle. [shows the rift] Something small; he won't even know it's missing.

Mabel

Huh...Maybe Dipper has something like that in his nerd bag.

Ford

Let me guess. Mabel didn't take it well?

Dipper

I don't know, maybe I'm making the wrong decision. I need to think about this.

Ford

Dipper, right now we need to focus on the mission. Now come on, I've got the glue; hand me the rift and let's make history.

Dipper

What? OH, NO! THE RIFT!

Mabel

Huh, that's...odd. Is this it?

"Blendin"

Yes, that's it! Just hand it over and I'll do my thing...unless you're ready to leave Gravity Falls?

Mabel

Just a little more summer...[hands over the rift]

"Blendin"

OOPS! [drops the rift and smashes it with his boot]

Mabel

What?!

Mabel

Oh, no! Wait, wait, wait!

Bill

At last! At long, long last! The gate between worlds has opened! The event one billion years prophesied has come to pass! The day has come! THE WORLD IS FINALLY MINE!

Dipper

What's going on? What is that?!

Ford

We're too late. It's the end of the world.

Ford

I'll die before I join you! I know your weakness, Bill!

Bill

Oh, yeah? And I know a riddle: Why did the old man do this? [holds his arms at his sides vertically]

Ford

[copying Bill's pose] "This?" [Bill suddenly turns him into a gold statue]

Bill

Because I needed a new backscratcher. [Laughs with the Henchmaniacs]

Dipper

That's ENOUGH! Hand over my uncle! [Holds up Journal 3] Or else!

Bill

Now isn't...this...INTERESTING? [teleports right in front of Dipper] My old puppet is back for an encore! [dangles the petrified Ford] You think you can stop me? Go ahead, Pinetree, show me what you got!

Dipper

[flips through Journal 3] I...uh, I...[sees a blacklight entry on Bill saying "IF HE GAINS PHYSICAL FORM THEN ALL IS LOST!"]

Bill

[mockingly] "I, um, I-" Do it, kid! Do some brilliant thing that takes me down right now! Whaddya got, Pinetree? Everyone's waiting! DO IT!

Dipper

BILL-! [lunges at Bill, who effortlessly blasts him into a tree. The Henchmaniacs jeer]

Bill

[levitates the Journals] That's right. Don't be a hero, kid! [shows Ford] This is what happens to heroes in my world! [Sets the Journals aflame]

Dipper

NO! The Journals!

Bill

Not much of a threat now, are you?

Dipper

[pants] Oh my gosh! This is crazy. I'm-I'm losing my mind. We have to get out of here. We have to go back... to the real world!

Dipper

Hey!

Under Article Smiley Face of Exhibit Squeaky Duck, you are hereby accused of breaking our one rule—mentioning reality. [people mutter indistinctly] Prepare to be banished from this land forever! [open a portal out to much-destroyed Gravity Falls]

Dipper

Mabel! You're smarter than this! Bill has you hypnotized or something! Are you really gonna let them banish me!?!

Mabel

No! Of course not! That's my brother, guys! There's gotta be another way.

Very well. If Dipper wishes to stay, he must plead his case in the ultimate trial... of fantasy vs. reality. [is bitten] Hey! Seriously?!

Soos

[pointing to a stuffed rhino] It was him.

Dipper

Mabel, listen to yourself! This is crazy! I'm sorry about our fight, and I'm sorry things aren't great right now, but that doesn't mean you can stay in here forever!

Hey, take a chill pill. Those grow on trees here.

Dipper

You stay outta this, Dippy Fresh!

Soos

Dude, calm down. Dippy Fresh didn't do anything to you, dog.

Dipper

Mabel, I thought you were living a fantasy, but look at me! I actually thought I was gonna stay here and be Ford's apprentice! Spend my entire teens cooped up in a basement with a labcoat? How ridiculous is that? I don't know what's gonna happen in the future, but whatever it is, you don't have to fear, because we'll do it together. I'm not taking Ford's apprenticeship. We've travelled to Heck and back to get you, and we're goin' back together. Leave this fantasy world. Let's beat Bill and grow up together.

ORDER! ORDER! [Bangs mallet] ORDER IN THE COURT! DANG IT, why is this hammer squeaky?!

Mabel

You mean it? You're really coming home with me?

Dipper

Yes. Definitely. Absolutely. Awkward sibling hug?

Just don't do it!

DON'T DO IT!

You do this and it's all over!

Mabel

Sincere sibling hug. [Hugs Dipper]

DON'T DO THE PATS!

[Pat each other] Pat pat. [A ripple comes from their spot, blowing Judge Kitty Kitty Meow Meow Face-Shwartstein's wig away and one of the benches falls over. All of the jurors disappear]

Mabel

[Rubs eyes] Aw, man, I never noticed how bright this place is, ugh! Have I actually been listening to the same song for an entire week?

Bill

Last chance: tell me how to take Weirdmageddon global and I'll spare the kids!

Dipper

No! Don't do it!

Mabel

Yeah, Bill makes bad deals!

Bill

Don't you toy with me, Shooting Star! [his eye shows an image of a galaxy] I SEE EVERYTHI- [Mabel sprays it with paint] OW! Not again! Why?! Every time!

Stan

Nice shot, pumpkin!

Bill

I just regenerated that eye!

Mabel

I know that hurts, because I've accidentally done it to myself! Multiple times!

Bill

All right, Ford, time's up! I've got the kids! I think I'm gonna kill one of them right now, just for the heck of it! EENY... MEENY... MINEY...YOU!

Stan

[wearing Ford’s clothes and imitating Ford’s voice] Wait! I surrender.

Bill

Good choice.

Ford

[wearing Stan’s clothes and imitating Stan’s voice] Don’t do it Ford! It’ll destroy the universe!

Stan

It’s the only way!

Bill

HAHAHAHA! Oh, even when you're about to die, you Pines twins just can't get along. [drops the cage and ties up Ford]

Stan

My only condition is that you let my brother and the kids go!

Bill

Fine!

Dipper

No! Grunkle Ford! Don’t trust him!

Bill

It's a...DEAL! [Holds Stan's right hand, then enters the mental realm, petrifying his physical form and enters Stan’s mind]

Bill

Oh, I'm here! I'm finally here! Look at this place - a perfect, calm, orderly void. Gotta hand it to you, Ford. You really know how to clean your mi- [opens the door to reveal Stan sitting in a chair playing with a paddleball]

Stan

[Makes a clicking sound and points a finger-gun at Bill]

Bill

WHAT?!

Stan

Heh-heh, do a pretty good impression of my brother, don't I? Switch clothes and no one can tell us apart. Welcome to my mind. Surprised you didn't recognize it.

Bill

What?! The deal's off! What the-?! No, no, no, NO!

Stan

Oh, yeah. You're goin' down, Bill. You're getting erased. Memory gun. Pretty clever, huh?

Bill

Y-you idiot! Don't you realize you're destroying your own mind too?!

Stan

Eh. It's not like I was using this space for much anyway.

Bill

Let me outta here! Let me OUT! Why isn't this working?!

Stan

Hey, look at me. [angrily] Turn around and look at me, you one-eyed demon! You're a real wise-guy, but you made one fatal mistake: you messed with my family.

Bill

You're making a mistake! I'll give you anything! Money, fame, riches, infinite power, your own galaxy! PLEASE! No...! WHAT'S HAPPENING TO ME?! [begins rapidly warping between several forms; screams distorted words:] !NRUTER YAM I TAHT REWOP TNEICNA EHT EKOVNI I !NRUB OT EMOC SAH EMIT YM !L-T-O-L-O-X-A STANLEY!!!!!!! [Stan punches Bill in the eye, making him dissolve into nothing with a final scream]

Stan

Heh. Guess I was good for something after all.