Dipper Pines quotes from Gravity Falls

Mabel

Grunkle Stan, you coming?

Stan

No thank you. Just remember: if you two come back to the Shack talking like these people, you're dead to me.

Dipper

[In an old-timey accent] There's a carpetbagger in the turnip cellar.

Mabel

[Likewise] Well, hornswaggle my haversack.

Stan

DEAD TO ME!

Dipper

We're gonna have to break in.

And here are your balloons; blue and pink!

Dipper

We're in.

Blubs

There is .... No escape! [out of breath] I gotta take a knee.

Are you ok? Can I get you anything?

Blubs

Edward Durland you are a diamond in the rough.

Dipper

Sheriff Blubs do you really want to lock us all up in a government facility somewhere?

Blubs

I got no choice. Our orders come from the very top.

Dipper

Wait. Quentin did you ever sign an official resignation?

No sir. I ate a salamander and jumped out the window.

Children I am needed elsewhere. Just know that I will always be right here...[Shows Dipper some paper money] On the negative twelve dollar bill.

Dipper

Whoa! This is worthless!

It's LESS than worthless my boy! TREMBLEY AWAY!

Mabel

Where do you think he's going?

Dipper

I'm gonna say.... Off a cliff.

Mabel

He is such a jerk.

Dipper

Yeah, but he's a jerk with tight pants and a guitar. I need to keep him away from Wendy at all costs.

Mabel

Don't worry, brother. Whatever happens, I'll be right here, supporting you every step of the- OH MY GOSH, A PIG!

Dipper

Wendy, I just wanted to tell you that everyone makes mistakes. And when they do, you should forgive them. And also that tight pants are overrated.

Wendy

Dude. You lost me.

Dipper

[sighs] I know.

You're under arrest for violation of the Time Traveler's Code of Conduct.

Blendin

It was those kids! And their leader, Waddles!

That's a pig, Blendin.

Blendin

[to Dipper and Mabel, as he is dragged away] I'll get you for this! I'll go back in time and make sure your parents never meet!

Dipper

Well, we're still here.

Mabel

Guess he forgot to go back.

Rumble McSkirmish

I am ready to take on the greatest Fight Fighters! Take me to the Soviet Union!

Dipper

Uh, that's gonna be tough...for a number of reasons.

Dipper

We need to just learn to hate each other in silence.

Robbie

You mean, like what girls do?

Mabel

I'm so excited.

Dipper

We're gonna have the best costumes, get the most candy.

Mabel

And have the biggest stomach aches ever

Dipper

Yeah

Stan

Ladies and Gentletourists, looking around my Mystery Shack, you'll see many wondrous roadside attractions. Be AMAZED - at the only known photo of a horse.. riding another horse. That's- that's pretty good.

Stan

Be astounded by the horrible, pre-teen Wolf Boy.

Stan

Oh look at him. All that hair. His body is changing... Ah!

Dipper

Grunkle Stan, this is demeaning.

Stan

What? I don't know 'Da Meaning' of that word.

Stan

If you throw money at him he dances.

Dipper

[Dressed like Grunkle Stan, leading a tour group through the Shack] This Shack is filled with wonders never before seen by human eyes. Behold: The Horrible, Giant Question-Baby!

Soos

Am I a man? Am I a baby? These are legitimate questions.

Excuse me, do you think this T-shirt is my size?

Stan

Never mind the T-shirt! Hey everybody! Look at this guy's abnormal and unattractive face!

Mabel

[leading the customer away] I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry.

Stan

D-doing my taxes!

Dipper

[reads a tax form with "I HAVE COMMITTED TAX FRAUD" written across in bold red ink] Uh, Grunkle Stan, why did you write this?

Stan

Because I regularly commit massive tax fraud.

Dipper

Might wanna tuck that one away, there. [drops the form into a shredder]

[juggling while riding a unicycle surrounded by three crocodiles] Do-do-do. Oh no! [Dipper and Mabel laugh]

Stan

Sometimes I think: is this all there is? Is life just some kind of horrific joke without a punchline? That we're all just biding our time until the sweet, sweet release of death?

Stan

Where... where are we?

Mabel

[gasps] Look! The Shack! Which means... we came right back out the top!

Dipper

[checks his watch] And I don't think any time has passed. It must be some kind of wormhole.

Soos

Yeah, dude. That sounds science-y enough to be true.

Stan

But that's impossible! No one will believe us. [leans on the pit's sign]

Mabel

Maybe this is one story we should keep to ourselves.

Agreed.

Mabel

[smiling] He'll be fine.

Stan

[sighs, long pause] This is stupid.

On the bright side, pun very much intended, it's opening day at the Gravity Falls pool!

Mabel

Gravity Falls pool?

Dipper

Today?

Soos

Pun intended?