Burt Hummel quotes from Glee

Burt

I don't know what two guys do when they're together. You know, I sat through the whole of Brokeback Mountain. From what I gather, something went down in that tent.

Burt

You know what they call a unicorn without a horn? A freaking horse.

Burt Hummel

Hi folks, my name is Burt Hummel and I want to be your congressman. Now Sue Sylvester, she’s gotten a lot of mileage coming on this show and scaring you into thinking that a high school putting on a musical is the reason why your neighbor’s house got foreclosed on. Now what she doesn’t tell you is how she spends twice the entire McKinley High School arts budget on things like leg warmers for her Cheerios. She wants you to think that the arts are a luxury we just can’t afford. But she’s got it backwards. You know, in this economy, art, music, theater, dance, these are things we can’t afford to lose. Now Sue Sylvester thinks that fostering a student’s creativity is a waste of money. I think it’s the way you invest in this country’s future. We all need to get creative. You got an idea how we can boost jobs in this district, I want to hear it. You send it to Hummel Tires & Lube, Lima, Ohio. And if you think I make a better representative for this community than Sue Sylvester, write in Burt Hummel. Just don’t let Sue short change our kids. My name is Burt Hummel, and that’s how I see it.

Burt

You beat them all. They threw everything at you. They tried to beat you down. But you know what? You're unstoppable, Kurt. They can never take this away from you. I am so proud to be your dad. Right now, in this moment, on this day, you won.

Burt

Your Glee Club saved my kid's life. It turns out art can do that, ya know? Whether it's through singing or dancing or painting a freakin' picture.

Burt

And if things get serious, use protection.

Brittany

Does he mean like a burglar alarm?

Finn

I don't wanna have to worry about that kind of stuff in my own room, man!

Kurt

And what "stuff" are you referring to?

Finn

You know what I'm talking about. Don't play dumb. Well, can't you just accept that I'm not like you?

Kurt

I have accepted that.

Finn

No, you haven't. You think I don't see the way you stare at me, how flirty you get? You think I don't know why yow got so excited that we were gonna be moving in together?

Kurt

It's just a room, Finn! We can redecorate if you want to!

Finn

Okay, good. Well then the first thing that needs to go is that faggy lamp. And then we need to get rid of this faggy couch cover…

Burt

(coming downstairs) Hey! What did you just call him?

Finn

Oh, no, no, I didn't call him anything. I was just talking to the blanket.

Burt

If you use that word, you're talking about him.

Kurt

Relax, Dad. I didn't take it that way.

Burt

Yeah, that's because you're 16 and you still assume the best in people. You live a few years, you start seeing the hate in people's hearts. Even the best people. (to Finn) You use the "N" word?

Finn

Of course not.

Burt

How about "retard"? You call that nice girl in Cheerios with Kurt, you call her a retard?

Finn

Becky-no. She's my friend, she's got Down syndrome. I'd never call her that. That's cruel.

Burt

But you think it's okay to come into my house and say "faggy"?

Finn

That's not what I meant.

Burt

I know what you meant! What, you think I didn't use that word when I was your age? You know, some kid gets clocked in practice, we'd tell him to stop being such a fag. Shake it off. We meant it exactly the way you meant it. That being gay is wrong. That it's some kind of punishable offense. I really thought you were different, Finn. You know, I thought that being in Glee Club and being raised by your mom meant that you were some, you know, new generation of dude who saw things differently. Who just kind of, you know, came into the world knowing what has taken me years of struggling to figure out. I guess I was wrong. I'm sorry Finn, but you can't - you can't stay here.

Kurt

(softly) Dad!

Burt

I love your mom and maybe this is gonna cost me her. But my family comes first. I can't have that kind of poison around here. (to Kurt) This is our home, Kurt. (to Finn) He is my son. Out in the world, you do what you want; not under my roof.

Burt

Hey, don't forget, Friday night dinner is 6:00 instead of 7:00 this week. Carole and Finn are coming over.. and she has to work the night shift.

Kurt

I-I can't do this Friday. They have sing-along Sound of Music at the El Royale Theater, it's a once- a-year event.

Burt

And last week you had to camp out early so you could be first in line for those Grey's Anatomy DVDs.

Kurt

SEASON SIX, Dad.

Burt

Those Friday night dinners are ritual in our family - one your mom started.

Kurt

I know, but I'm a teenager. Friday nights are kind of important to me. Why are you making me feel guilty about this?

Kurt

Dad, you have no idea what it's like. I'm the only openly gay kid at school, in this town. Why can't I walk hand in hand down the hall with a person that I like? Why can't I slow-dance at my prom?

Burt

Come here. You think I don't want those things for you? I do. You know, until you find somebody as open and as brave as you, you're just gonna have to get used to go in it alone.

Burt

What the hell was that?

Kurt

It's nothing, Dad.

Burt

That wasn't nothing. That guy was making fun of you. What the hell's his name?

Finn

Tell him.

Burt

Tell me what?

Finn

Tell him, or I will.

Kurt

His name's Dave Karofsky. He's been harassing me for a few weeks now.

Burt

Harassing you how?

Kurt

Just shoving me and giving me a hard time.

Burt

There's more. There's something else you're not telling me.

Kurt

He threatened to kill me.

So let me ask you...why would Kurt make that up?

Maybe he likes me.

Kurt

[opens his eyes wide]

Burt

I think we're wasting our time here. [to Sue] It's your job to protect people.

Burt

I'm not really known for having a way with words. You know, when you're a kid, adults will tell you lots of things. But one thing they neglect to mention is how sad life can be. I lost somebody I loved very much, but Kurt... He lost his mom. And that killed me. Well, we got by, but looking back, I-I wanna apologize to you, Kurt. What we were living, it just... it wasn't living. You know that saying, that when God closes a door, he opens a window? Well,sometimes, out of nowhere, He'll do you one better. He'll kick a whole wall down. He grabbed me by the shoulders and He pointed me towards this woman right here, and He said, 'There she is, go get her'. You're everything, Carole. Words can't describe you - you're everything. And I will love you till the day I die.

I'm lucky. Most women, when they get married, they get one man. I get two. One of you saved me from my wardrobe, the other just saved me. Kurt, you're an amazing person. I'm not only getting a son, I'm getting a friend. Finn... I know you were resistant at first, but I am so proud of you. I've watched you grow into a man. But I think I'm most proud that you've become a brother to Kurt. [Carole holds Finn's hand, Burt takes Kurt's] We are four people becoming a family.

Okay. Burt, do you take Carole--

Burt

You bet I do!

And do you, Carole, take this man--

Oh, yes, I do! Yes, I do!

Burt Hummel

[Having "the talk" with his son] Now for most guys sex is, just, ya know, this thing we always want to do. Ya know, its fun, feels great, but we're not really thinking too much about, ya know, how it makes us feel on the inside, or, ya know, how the other person feels about it.

Kurt Hummel

Women are different?

Burt Hummel

Only because they get that its about something more than just the physical. Ya know, when you're intimate with somebody, in that way, you're exposing yourself, ya know, you're never gonna be more vulnerable, and that scares the hell out of a lot of guys. Believe me, I can't tell you how many buddies I've got who have gotten way too deep with a girl who said she was cool with just hooking up.

Kurt Hummel

But that's not going to happen to me, Dad.

Burt Hummel

No, its gonna be worse. Because its two guys. With two guys you got two people who think that sex is just sex. Its gonna be easier to come by. And once you start doing this stuff you're not going to want to stop. Yah just... you gotta know that it means something. You know, its doing something... to you, to your heart, to your self esteem, even though it feels like... you're just having fun.

Kurt Hummel

So you're saying I shouldn't have sex?

Burt Hummel

I think on your 30th birthday it is a great gift to yourself.

Burt Hummel

Kurt, when you're ready, I want you to be able to... do everything. But when you're ready I want you to, use it as a way to connect to another person. Don't throw yourself around, like you don't matter. 'Cause you matter, Kurt.

Kurt Hummel

[pause] Is that it?

Burt Hummel

That's it, for now. Can I make you some toast?

Kurt Hummel

I think I'll take it up to my room to eat while I look over my new pamphlets

Burt

Dude you're gay.

Kurt

Excuse me?

Burt

You're gay. And you're not like Rock Hudson gay, you're really gay. You sing like Dianna Ross and and you dress like you own a magic chocolate factory.