Will Schuester quotes from Glee

Sue

This is a travesty of international proportions. You are jeopardizing my Cheerios' role as goodwill ambassadors and I have a call in to the president.

Will

I have a Spanish quiz in which one of your cheerleaders misspelled her name and answered every question with a drawing of a sombrero.

Sue

You can't stand it. You can't stand it to see a woman in power. Your psychosexual derangement would be fascinating Will if it weren't so terrifying!!!

Figgins

Sue, Will did a little research. According to our test records, most of your cheerleaders are functionally illiterate!

Sue

Oh, so what?

Figgins

And why, only last Friday, at the football game they tried to spell out "Go team," and they spelled out "To game."

Will

Since 1992, 95% of your Cheerios should have flunked Spanish and I, for one, am not gonna be a part of it anymore.

Sue

Oh Will we all know about your devotion to that dying language!

Will

Dying language!?!

Sue

Let me break this down for you, okay? I empower my Cheerios to be champions. Do they go on to college? I don't know. I don't care. Should they learn Spanish? Sure, if they wanna become dishwashers and gardeners. But if they wanna be bankers and lawyers and captains of industry, the most important lesson they could possibly learn is how to do a round off.

Mercedes

Why do we have to go all vanilla on this song? See, what we need is my chocolate thunder.

Will

We don't have time to rearrange the song for you, Mercedes. But don't worry; we'll find something else for you to dip in chocolate.

Will

[Answering phone] Hello?

Who is it? Who died?

Will

Suzy Pepper?

You knew it was me just by the sound of my breath…that is so romantic.

[Taking phone from Will] Listen here, you little psycho. This is Will's wife, and if I don't get enough sleep, my antidepressants won't work, and then I'll go crazy, and I'll kill you! Stop calling.

Will

Brittany, take it away.

Brittany

Take what away?

Will

Hey, come on, come on. Get off him! Knock it off! Get off! Get off! Hey.

Finn

[to Puck] TELL THE TRUTH!

Punk just walked in and sucker punched me.

Finn

Don’t play dumb– you’re too freaking dumb to play dumb!

Will

Come on!

Quinn

Who told you this, Finn?

Kurt

Obviously, it was Rachel.

Rachel

What? I didn't do anything.

Finn

Yeah, it was Rachel, but I want to hear it from you. I want to hear it from both of you.

Will

Finn, just calm down.

Finn

NO! THEY'RE BOTH LYING TO ME! [to Quinn] Is it true? Just tell me– is it true?

Quinn

[begins to cry] Yes. Puck is the father.

Finn

So, all… All that stuff in the hot tub… You just made that up?

You were stupid enough to buy it.

Will

Hey, hey, hey, hey.

Quinn

[sobbing] I am so sorry.

Finn

Screw this. I’m done with you. I’m done with… I'M DONE WITH ALL OF YOU! [kicks a chair and leaves the room while Quinn tearfully looks on]

Will

April, what happened? Last time I saw you, you were getting cleaned up, headed off to Branson.

I know! It's crazy, right? I was so jazzed about sobering up and starting a new life I had to stop at a bar to get a drink just to calm down!

Rachel

OK, Why don't we all take a moment to absorb what we've just watched.

Finn

This is garbage!

Will

Finn!

No, he's right. First of all, I need to trust my instincts more, because I had a feeling when we were shooting it that it was not going to be good.

Jesse

Why didn't you tell me they were in this, too? I thought you and I were going out! Being triple-cast with two other guys to play opposite your girlfriend - it's mortifying.

Rachel

It was an artistic statement.

Finn

No it wasn't! It was you trying to look like you had a bunch of guys fighting over you, so you could stop looking like some kind of outcast and be seen as some hot, slutty girl singer! (He walks up to her) How could you do this to me? To all us guys? Is your reputation more important than all your relationships? (Finn walks out, followed by Jesse)

Rachel

Jesse, wait!

Bryan

We'll probably cut the glee club.

Will

What? But you were in the glee club. Show choir was your life!

Bryan

It was, Will. And after I graduated, I hit the big time. I was a featured soloist at King's Island in the Dooble-Dee-Doo Musical Revue; we were a smash. Then, for three years, I did the cruise ship circuit. When that dried up, I realized I had been sold a bill of goods. Nine years later, I woke up on a urine-stained mattress in the West Lima crack district. Then, something amazing happened: I was introduced to Jesus; he was my Honduran social worker. I straightened up, put down the pipe, met the love of my life, Wilma, and now I run a successful used Hummer dealership. Don't make that face – global warming's a theory.

Finn

This so isn't you.

Tina

I feel like an Asian Branch Davidian.

Will

Tina, are there any other looks you can try?

Santana

Biker chick?

Finn

Cowgirl?

Mercedes

Hoodrat.

Quinn

Computer programmer?

Brittany

Cross-country skier.

Catholic schoolgirl?

Brittany

Happy Meal, no onions. Or a chicken.

Wait, where's Rachel? I mean, I only noticed because, like, five minutes have gone by without her saying something totally obnoxious.

Mercedes

Rachel got some intense news yesterday.

Quinn

We were spying on Vocal Adrenaline when-

Will

Guys! It's not right to spy...but what did you find out?

Mercedes

Okay, y'all ready? Ms. Corcoran, the Vocal Adrenaline coach... she's Rachel's mom.

Will

Are you serious?

We're screwed. Rachel's going to jump ship for Vocal Adrenaline.

Will

When I was in high school, I had a whole year where I dressed as exactly like Kurt Cobain. I mean, come on. There has to be someone who you used to dress like.

Yes. For several years in my early twenties, I dressed up as Elvis. But he was a Christian, Will! And he did not possess the ability to transform into a bat!

Tina

(whispering to Will) I think he thinks vampires are real.

Will

I think you're right

Rachel

Guys, we have a serious problem. You know how I've been doing some deep background on Vocal Adrenaline?

Artie

Isn't that against the rules?

Rachel

No, not at all. Or…probably. Whatever! Anyway, what I figured out: I rooted through the dumpsters behind the auditorium and I found eighteen empty boxes of Christmas lights!

Tina

Oh, no.

Rachel

Which led me to the fabric store. I asked about red Chantilly lace; they were sold out.

Mercedes

Oh, sweet Jesus.

Kurt

Oh, my.

Will

What?

Kurt

They're doing Gaga.

Mercedes

That's it; it's over.

Rachel

Exactly!

Kurt

We should have guessed it. They're going for full-out theatricality. They know it's the easiest way to beat us. Damn them!

What's up with this Gaga dude? He just, like, dresses weird, right? Like Bowie?

Kurt

Lady Gaga is a woman! She's only the biggest pop act to come along in decades. She's boundary-pushing, the most theatrical performer of our generation, and she changes her look faster than Brit changes sexual partners.

Brittany

It's true.

Santana

Besides creeping us out, why are you telling us this?

Will

If we lose to Vocal Adrenaline at regionals, none of us are gonna regret it. We will have given it our best shot and we won't look back. But we will regret letting them get the best of us before the competition, which is why we need to hit them back just like they hit us.

Quinn

So you want us to T.P their choir room?

Will

Whatever the better, cooler version of that is, like, uh- maybe... maybe we should steal their school statue.

Kurt

Their school statue is a giant bronze of a great white shark eating a seal pup. It weighs three tons.

Will

Hey, what's going on?

Finn

We're on our way to go all Braveheart on Vocal Adrenaline.

Will

Guys, violence is never the answer.

It is when the question is, "What's the best way to mess up that Jesse kid's face?"

Kurt

Mr. Schue, Rachel is one of us. We're the only ones who get to humiliate her.

Will

Stop! Get back here and sit down! Look, I know from experience that making someone else suffer doesn't make your pain go away. You're all amazing, no matter what Vocal Adrenaline says or does. We just need to find a way to remind ourselves of that.

Finn

We can't just let Vocal Adrenaline get away with turning Rachel into an omelette.

Will

We're not. Rachel, dial Jesse's number on your phone.

Santana

You still have his number?

Will

Jesse St. James? Will Schuester here. You and Vocal Adrenaline need to meet at our auditorium Friday, 3:00 sharp. [hangs up]

Will

Look, nobody got hurt, it was a harmless prank.

Sue

That's what they said about a boy in Chicago, in 1871, who thought he'd play a harmless prank on the dairy cow of one Mrs. O'Leary. He successfully ignited its flatulence and a city burned, William. That terrorist went on to become the first gay President of the United States, Abraham Lincoln.