I'm so depressed, I wore the same outfit twice this week.
“Funk” · Season 1, Episode 21
In this episode: Will Schuester (4), Kurt Hummel (3), Rachel Berry (3), Sue Sylvester (3), Puck (3), Finn Hudson (2), Santana Lopez (2), Quinn Fabray (2)
[Writing in her journal] Dear Journal, something strange happened yesterday. I felt something below the neck. Dare I admit it? I have feelings for one Will Schuester. Sexy, non-murdering feelings. True love always springs from true hate. I'll admit in the past I've fantasized about waking up with Will's head on the pillow next to me, except now I picture it attached to the rest of his body.
Besides creeping us out, why are you telling us this?
If we lose to Vocal Adrenaline at regionals, none of us are gonna regret it. We will have given it our best shot and we won't look back. But we will regret letting them get the best of us before the competition, which is why we need to hit them back just like they hit us.
So you want us to T.P their choir room?
Whatever the better, cooler version of that is, like, uh- maybe... maybe we should steal their school statue.
Their school statue is a giant bronze of a great white shark eating a seal pup. It weighs three tons.
PPuck
[In voiceover] Everyone knows this is going to come down to me. Revenge, fear, the merciless infliction of pain-these are my kingdoms. First time I gave a wedgie to a kid, I was four years old. Finn and I may still hate each other for some reason, but we both know that defending the honor of New Directions is going to be our dirty job.
[As Jesse stands in front of her with an egg in his hand] Do it. Break it like you broke my heart.
I loved you [breaks the egg in Rachel's hair].
Now I just keep having nightmares of all of the mother's of the little baby chicks coming at me for revenge.
Hey, what's going on?
We're on our way to go all Braveheart on Vocal Adrenaline.
Guys, violence is never the answer.
PPuck
It is when the question is, "What's the best way to mess up that Jesse kid's face?"
Mr. Schue, Rachel is one of us. We're the only ones who get to humiliate her.
Stop! Get back here and sit down! Look, I know from experience that making someone else suffer doesn't make your pain go away. You're all amazing, no matter what Vocal Adrenaline says or does. We just need to find a way to remind ourselves of that.
We can't just let Vocal Adrenaline get away with turning Rachel into an omelette.
We're not. Rachel, dial Jesse's number on your phone.
You still have his number?
Jesse St. James? Will Schuester here. You and Vocal Adrenaline need to meet at our auditorium Friday, 3:00 sharp. [hangs up]
Look, nobody got hurt, it was a harmless prank.
That's what they said about a boy in Chicago, in 1871, who thought he'd play a harmless prank on the dairy cow of one Mrs. O'Leary. He successfully ignited its flatulence and a city burned, William. That terrorist went on to become the first gay President of the United States, Abraham Lincoln.
[After the performance of "Give Up the Funk" by New Directions]
PPuck
See you punks at Regionals. [He leaves the stage.]
[Shocked] They did a funk number. [To Giselle who's sitting next to him] We've never been able to pull off a funk number.
GGiselle
Well, that's because we're soulless automatons.
I'm so depressed.
I have compulsive need to crush other people's dreams.
Yeah, that's what Mr. Schue said.
Today, I want to talk to you about regrets. Who has some?
Giving my heart to Jesse, just to have it crushed like the stage floor at a performance of Stomp.
Thinking 'trust me' was a sensible birth control option.
WWaitress
You're gonna have to order something.
My date will be here any minute.
WWaitress
Your date's not coming. You've been stood up.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Glee pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.