So, I think I'm in touch with the other side.
The other side of…
The other side.
With Republicans?
S3 E4One's Got Class and the Other One Dyes
[Lorelai pulls a shirt from Luke's closet.]
Oh my God.
What?
Jimmy Buffett?
Put that back.
You like Jimmy Buffett? He's so mellow.
I've just been to a few shows, that's all.
A few shows? Oh my God, you're a Buffetthead.
Is that the one you want me to wear or not?
Sing Margaritaville.
No.
That attitude's gonna lose you that toy.
Stay outta this.
Lane can't quit the band. She has to get famous and introduce me to Bono.
I told her that.
All right, let's go eat… see if we can figure out a way to salvage my future as a groupie.
Hey, wait now. You're talking crazy talk trying to confuse me now, aren't you?
Aren't you!
What?
Who?
Stop it!
Bye!
Uh, you and I have got to have a little talk.
Hey, if you’re gonna get all Ward Cleaver on me, I gotta go call Eddie and Lumpy and tell ‘em I’m gonna be late.
Shut up for a second, would ya? Look, I know you’re at an age where the whole girl thing is... you know, on your mind a lot, and it’s probably not helping you to think straight with all the hormones and other things that are raging around in there. My point is that you gotta think about things a little better, you know, the way you act. I mean, if you care about a girl the way you do with this Shane –
I don’t care about her.
What?
I don’t even know her last name.
You’re kidding.
She mentioned it once. Didn’t stick.
Well, if you don’t care about her, what are you doing with her?
Just hanging with her, no biggie.
Well, you gotta be doing something more than hanging with her. I mean, you got to at least be doing something with her to make her jump in a closet when people come into the room.
Relax, will ya? All is good.
Jess, this isn’t right. You can’t treat a girl like this, like dirt!
If it’s any consolation to you, she treats me like dirt, too. It’s a pretty symbiotic relationship.
And that’s fine with you?
Yes, it is.
To just go along in a relationship, you treat somebody bad and they treat you bad back.
That’s right.
Oh, that makes you happy?
I’d do backflips, but I am way too cool.
That makes absolutely no sense.
It doesn’t have to make sense to you.
There are plenty other of girls out there in the world, Jess.
Don’t you have to get back to the diner?
I mean, you can go out and at least find one that you actually care about.
Oh, like it’s that easy.
Yeah, it’s that easy if you try.
Hey, the girls that I like don’t give a damn about me! And unlike some other people I know, I’m not gonna sit around hoping that they change their minds and suddenly notice me.
What’s that supposed to mean?
You fixed any neighbor’s porches lately? Or you go on a picnic? Or you get rooked into giving a ridiculous speech at a high school?
Shut up.
At least I’ve got a little self-esteem.
Shut up.
I’m not playing Golden Retriever, hoping one day she’ll turn around and fall in my arms. If she doesn’t wanna be with me, then fine.
You have no idea what you’re talking about.
Whatever. I gotta go, Shane’s waiting.
Oh, you mean What’s-Her-Name?
Yeah, I’ll bring you a new leash when I get back.
Get outta here!
S3 E5Eight O'Clock at the Oasis
Oh, now that kid’s a major drooler.
Yeah, it’s like a fountain.
Okay, that’s it, they have to go.
Luke, come on, it’s just spit. Pretend you’re at a baseball game.
No no no, I’ve had enough. Let them go not spend money at Al’s, I’m through. [He starts to walk toward the people when a woman stands up and starts unbuttoning her shirt. Luke walks back to Lorelai and Rory] Is that woman doing what I think she’s doing? [the woman has started nursing her baby]
Um, well, I can’t be a hundred percent sure, but. . .oh yeah, that’s lunch.
Why, why do they do this? This is a public place, people are eating here.
They sure are.
This cannot be sanitary.
I agree. You don’t know where that thing’s been.
When did that become acceptable? In the old days, a woman would never consider doing that in public. They’d go find a barn or a cave or something. I mean, it’s indecent. This is a diner not a peep show!
Hey, consider making it a combo. You could charge more for your cheeseburgers. Of course, no one would ever feel the same ordering a glass of milk again, but . . .
I have to do something. I just can’t stand here and let the lactating continue.
Luke!
Gross!
I’m gross? I’m not the one exposing myself for the entire world to see. That’s it.
[Luke starts to walk over to the woman, then walks back to the counter] You go make her stop.
I’m not going over there.
Why not? You’re a woman.
So what?
So you have the same parts.
What?
You shouldn’t be scared of it.
Scared of it? You know, you’re gonna be a bachelor for a really long time.
I am being taken advantage of here, and I do not like being taken advantage of. I hate this!
[Jess walks down into the diner and sees the woman nursing]
Oh geez!
[Jess quickly turns around and walks back upstairs. Lorelai and Rory start laughing.]
Okay, well, that was kind of funny.
[Phone rings and Lorelai answers] Independence Inn
You should really identify yourself when you answer the phone at work.
Sorry, Independence Inn, major disappointment speaking. Better?
Yes, thank you.
[about an auction] And you must always be extremely careful of your paddle movements.
Well, that certainly calls for a 'Dirty'!
[on the phone] Hi, yes, I was at your auction yesterday and I was wondering if you could help me. I met a man there and I would like to contact him but I didn't get his name and I wondered if you could look it up for me. He was paddle number seventeen, and...Oh right, confidential, got it...Well, you know, actually, I misspoke earlier because this isn't a complete stranger I'm trying to contact here, he's an old friend from school...Good question. Well, I don't know his name because I only knew him by his nickname....Uh, Shamu. We called him Shamu. He was kind of a big guy in high school, but he's slimmed down quite a bit...No, see, I don't have time to contact the high school alumni committee because time is of the essence....See, Shamu and I went to a liquor store after the auction and we bought a lottery ticket together and we tore it and I took half and he took half, and I'll be damned if the thing didn't win!...Fourteen million dollars!....Really, but see, we have to claim it by four pm today or we forfeit....Ah, yes....Oh, well, but there's one more thing that I forgot to tell you. See, my blood type is o-negative and he's o-negative and I have a medical condition that....All right, then. Well, thank you anyway. Bye. (hangs up)
Geez, did he talk about anything else but his car?
Not until we got to the restaurant, then the wine list.
Oh no he's a winey?
Yes, he sniffed and swirled and swished and did every other pretentious and borderline disgusting thing you can do with a glass of wine in a public place.
S3 E6Take the Deviled Eggs
[Taylor is on a crusade against birds "relieving themselves on helpless passersby".]
You get dumped on, Taylor?
It's not just me.
If anybody has a picture of Taylor being dumped on. I'll pay top dollar.
I'll check the Internet.
Taylor, all animals have to… you know. How are you gonna stop birds from doing that?
Easy. Put sharp metal spikes on the top of the fixtures, then when they land — pow! They're shish-kebabs.
That's cruel.
You can't do that.
AAndrew
I'd rather have bird crap fall on my head.
There it is — our new town slogan.
I like it.
I see coffee mugs, T-shirts.
Don't forget stuffed shish-kebabbed birds.
That moan when you squeeze 'em.
[Luke questions Gypsy about Jess's new car.]
He paid you for it, right?
GGypsy
Nothing's free at Gypsy's.
And he paid cash?
GGypsy
Mostly twenties.
Did you make sure Andrew Jackson was on the bills, not Alfred E. Neuman or someone?
GGypsy
Looked real to me.
Well, when he took the money out of wherever he had it, did a mask or a gun fall out?
GGypsy
No, but he was carrying it in a canvas bag with a big dollar sign on it.
Really?
GGypsy
No.
Good.
GGypsy
Guys are stupid.
Hey.
Hey.
Hey, Lane.
Hey back at ya, tough guy.
What?
Lane...
Something wrong?
No...
Yes! You have a car.
I know.
Don’t give me lip!
Lip?
Lane...
How’d you get the car, Jess?
I bought it?
Really, I thought you might’ve built it from parts left over from cars you’ve totaled.
What is your problem?
Don’t play dumb! You know what you did.
I gotta go.
Yes, drive on away, we’ll just keep walking. That’s all Rory’s been able to do these past few months – lots of walking. She’s got bunions because of you, mister!
Bunions?
I don’t have bunions.
She’s too nice to complain about her foot ailments!
Knock it off, Lane!
Just get in the car and go, Jess.
I didn’t start this.
Well, you started it when you wrecked Rory’s car!
Tell your friend to walk it off.
You walk it off!
I’m trying to DRIVE off!
Then go!
Geez, how Andy Griffith is this town that people get so excited by a car?
It’s not the car, it’s who’s got the car.
Okay, fine, you want it? Take it, I’m sick of this.
I don’t want this piece of junk!
Right. I suppose Dean is already building you another car, something really snazzy.
Shut up and go!
Gladly.
Let’s go.
Gladly!
[to Jess] Oh, and by the way, you left your bra in the back seat!
RReverend
The church is exempt from your town statutes, Taylor.
RRabbi
We answer to a higher authority… like the hot dog.
RReverend
I laugh every time you say that.
RRabbi
I know. Funny is funny.
Well, I can guarantee that God does not want this either.
RReverend
Did you hear that, David? Taylor Doose is in direct communication with God.
RRabbi
Thirty years I'm working for God, I haven't received so much as a card.
RReverend
Is it by phone that you speak with him, Taylor?
RRabbi
Do you have a God phone, Taylor?
Rabbi, please.
RReverend
What's he like? For us common folk who've never met him?
RRabbi
Is he short, is he tall?
RReverend
Does he like to laugh?
RRabbi
Is the whole shellfish thing really serious? Because, I gotta tell you, some of these Red Lobster commercials…
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Gilmore Girls pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.