Lorelai Gilmore quotes from Gilmore Girls

Rory

Who are the rosary beads for?

Lorelai

They're mine

Rory

What do you need rosary beads for?

Lorelai

They're cute.

Rory

They're for prayer.

Lorelai

Well, pray they match my blue suit.

Rory

They've just upgraded you to a queen-size bed, jacuzzi tub, junior suite in hell.

Lorelai

This is a misogynistic truck.

Luke

What?

Lorelai

It's anti-woman, it's gender-selective, it's "Oh, let's drink a beer and watch the game and hike our shorts up."

Lorelai

Well, I can't take it back to Yale.

Luke

I'm not storing your microbe mattress, forget it.

Lorelai

Well, then I'm stuck here.

Luke

Fine, because I need my truck back.

Lorelai

Fine, but that leaves you with the mattress.

Luke

I'm not taking the mattress.

Lorelai

Then let me take the truck.

Luke

But that means you take the mattress.

Lorelai

I can't take the mattress.

Luke

Then you can't have the truck.

Lorelai

But that sticks you with the mattress.

Luke

If you take the truck, it comes with the mattress.

Lorelai

I can't take the mattress.

Luke

Then you can't have the truck.

Lorelai

And that sticks you with the mattress.

Luke

We've been here before.

Lorelai

I recognize that tree.

Rory

You never socialized me properly, I should hate you right now. Do something to make me hate you.

Lorelai

Um...go Hitler!

Rory

It's shopping week.

Lorelai

Isn't it always?

Rory

The first week of school is called shopping week. You get to try out as many classes as you want before you pick the ones you want to stick with for the semester. I picked over fifty classes I'm gonna try out, plus another ten I'm gonna squeeze in if I have the time. They all sound completely amazing. I stayed up all night reading the class subscriptions over and over.

Lorelai

You do know that if you weren't so pretty, you would've gotten the crap kicked out of you every day of your life.

Lorelai

They burnt my fries, forgot to give me an extra side of barbecue sauce, the jeep is making that crunchy sound again, and I have to spend my evening making elf ears for Aaron Thompson's Lord of the Rings party.

Rory

Grandma broke into my dorm and redid the entire common room in $25,000 worth of furniture and stereo equipment.

Lorelai

You win.

Lorelai

Well, you could come out and say, "Grandma, this furniture is very nice. I appreciate the gesture, but this is a dorm room, and I cannot guarantee that the other people will love it as much as I do, and I worry about expensive equipment getting stolen, and it's just maybe too much right now."

Rory

That sounds good.

Lorelai

Okay. And then my mother will say, "Rory, your grandfather and I are paying for you to go to Yale. We are enabling you to have this rarefied education, and you're being ungrateful and small-minded, and I resent it. I am hurt on a level you will not be able to understand until you yourself have a daughter or a granddaughter who will cut your heart out the way you've just cut mine out, and I hope that small veneer of independence that you've extracted from this incident is worth the complete and total alienation of the grandparents who have done nothing but love you and thought of you only."

Rory

Or I could keep the furniture.

Lorelai

And take heart in knowing that when it comes to controlling a person, my mother targeted my soul, my independence, and my entire future, and at least with you, she threw in an ottoman.

Sookie

A child is not a duvet cover. You can't just take it back if it doesn't like you.

Lorelai

Luckily, duvet covers notoriously like whoever they go home with. They're like golden retrievers.

Sookie

You know what happens when kids don't like you? They tie you to a chair. They brain you with a bat. They set fire to the house and blame it on the neighbors.

Lorelai

Wow, now you can't have kids or live next door to them.

Lorelai

And apparently, now that I'm the pretty spinster living all alone, he's concerned for my safety.

Rory

Did he tell you all this?

Lorelai

Do you think I labeled myself the pretty spinster?

Lorelai

Remember in The Godfather, Michael telling Sonny how he was gonna kill Tattaglia and Captain McCluskey in that Italian restaurant? He lays out the whole thing very calmly, very unemotionally, 'cause that's what you do in business.

Rory

Yeah, but then he went and shot two guys in the head.

Kirk

My family tree dates back to a 12th-century knight.

Lorelai

Wow.

Kirk

As a kid, I thought that meant we were related to Ted Knight. I wrote him a lot of letters. He never responded.

Babette

[about planting bulbs] Oh, and just you wait 'til spring. You're gonna wake up one morning, walk out, and pow - color coming out of your yin-yang! I'll see you girls tomorrow. [goes into her house]

Lorelai

I'm going to have color coming out of my yin-yang.

Rory

Then maybe you'll finally get a man.

Luke

I'm just having a bad day.

Lorelai

Zzz.

Luke

What?

Lorelai

Days. You've been stomping around, barking at people for days.

Luke

I have not.

Lorelai

Yes, Cujo, you have.

Luke

I always talk to people like that.

Lorelai

No, Benji, you don't.

Luke

I'll be fine tomorrow.

Lorelai

Really, Lassie? Why is that?

Emily

I just found out that Sookie was pregnant!

Lorelai

Don't look at me, I had nothing to do with it.

Emily

It's bad enough that you haven't taught your daughter how to interact with the opposite sex. You will not dress her up in one of your Sex and the City ensembles and send her out to tell the entire campus, "Don't worry. I'll ask you."

Lorelai

How do you know about Sex and the City?