Lorelai Gilmore quotes from Gilmore Girls

Emily

Take the cake into the kitchen now, Teresa.

Lorelai

Wait, aren't I supposed to blow out the candles?

Emily

Oh, Teresa can do that.

Lorelai

Mom, it's tradition for the person whose name is on the cake to do the blowing.

Emily

Oh, I'm sorry. I thought only children liked to do that. Shall we bring it back out and relight it?

Lorelai

No.

Richard

Well, would you like to make a wish and blow out the tapers?

Lorelai

Why am I being mocked on my birthday?

Richard

Because it's the Gilmore way.

Richard

This was my favorite thing to eat as a boy. My Gran used to make this for me whenever I was feeling a little sad. You know, if my cricket team lost or a girl I fancied, turned up her nose at me.

Lorelai

Well, then load me up, because there was this cute chick at the pharmacy today. I used my best material on her and nothing.

Emily

Richard, at least let Pena serve it.

Lorelai

No comment on my lesbian hilarity? My, how far we've come.

Richard

Well, I have something for you.

Lorelai

Is it a hat?

Richard

No.

Lorelai

Is it a purse?

Richard

No.

Lorelai

Horse?

Richard

Lorelai.

Lorelai

George Foreman Grill?

Lorelai

Seventy-five thousand dollars. Seventy-five thousand dollars. Oh my God, that’s like 150 pairs of Jimmy Choos.

Richard

What are Jimmy Choos?

Lorelai

Shoes.

Richard

150 pairs, that’s it?

Lorelai

Dad, they’re Jimmy Choos.

Richard

For seventy-five thousand dollars, you should be able to buy at least three or four hundred pairs of shoes.

Lorelai

Not Jimmy Choos.

Richard

But that’s ridiculous. You are not going to spend seventy-five thousand dollars on Jimmy Choos when you could buy four hundred pairs of less prestigious but I’m sure equally stylish shoes. You will shop around first. Is that clear?

Lorelai

Yes, sir.

Lorelai

Do not eat chips out of a communal bowl. You might as well stick your hand in a toilet.

Rory

Nice.

Lorelai

If you're desperate, offer to be the person who replenishes them with new bags and grab a handful out of the new bag and dump the rest in the communal bowl.

Rory

Got it.

Lorelai

And keep in mind that getting up on a table and performing a song of any kind will haunt you for the rest of your life. Trust me. Been there, done that.

Rory

I wasn't planning on doing that.

Lorelai

Hon, those things are never planned.

Rory

It's a Friday night. We should be out, I don't know, partying with the homies.

Lorelai

Our Stars Hollow homies are all in bed by now.

Lorelai

Okay, I didn't bring a frickin' tape measure. I'm not good at judging distances. You'll have to help me out with the ten feet thing.

Max

Well, it's a little bigger than a basketball player. Just keep a really big basketball player between us.

Lorelai

Wow, I bet there's a sentence that's never been uttered before

Lorelai

Hey, Luke.

Luke

I'm in bed. I have ten more minutes to sleep. Not a lot of time in the grand scheme of things, but still, ten minutes is ten minutes. You know what I mean.

Lorelai

Sure, yeah.

Rory

Ten minutes is great.

Luke

And then the phone rings, and it just rings and rings and rings and rings, so I pick it up.

Lorelai

And then hopefully got your hearing checked.

Luke

Can I finish my story?

Lorelai

I'm just saying, that's a lot of rings.

Luke

And on the other end of the phone is someone named John who says he's Kyle's father, and Kyle threw a party last night without permission. And two guys got into a fight and tore the place apart, so John wants me to come down and take a look at the damage and discuss some sort of solution to the problem of the damages. Now, I don't know John, and I certainly don't know Kyle, but I do know someone who would get into a fight at a party and leave the place completely trashed. It's a wild guess, but I think his name rhymes with "Tess". So here I am, heading in there to talk to John about Kyle and discuss what is to be done about the hummel.

Lorelai

The what?

Luke

Exactly.

Lorelai

Okay. Your first cop-raided party. I am just so proud.

Rory

Mom.

Lorelai

I just wish I could've been there.

Rory

It was no big deal.

Lorelai

Did they bring the paddywagon?

Rory

Yeah, but then we snuck out the backdoor of the speak-easy and headed straight for the Algonquin.

Lorelai

How was Benchley?

Rory

Drunk again.

Lorelai

We very respectfully hover in his vicinity until the walk is over.

Sookie

Then we will politely ask him to get in touch with us.

Lorelai

Yes. Coming?

Rory

No, you guys go ahead. I'll be in the back of the line so that when the earth opens up and swallows you whole, I'll be here to tell the story.

Rory

Hey, here's a picture of Kirk pinned by the casket.

Lorelai

Oh, yeah, that's a good one.

Rory

Man, it's bad enough this had to happen, but his pants splitting on top of it?

Lorelai

Yeah. I hope he never takes too close a look at his life.

Rory

Amen. So this goes on the fridge, right?

Lorelai

"Where's the ladies room?" "More coffee, please." "Does Antonio Banderas live near here?"

Rory

We do not need to know how to say "Does Antonio Banderas live near here?"

Lorelai

Oh, yes, we do.

Rory

Mom.

Lorelai

When we're in Spain, we need to know how to say, "Does Antonio Banderas live near here?" When in France, "Does Johnny Depp live near here?"

Rory

When in Rome, "Does Gore Vidal live near here?"

Lorelai

You know, you look like me, yet my ways are completely lost on you.

Rory

Hm? Oh, I found that if I focus too much on one subject, I start to get a little punchy. This way, when I hit Bolshevik Revolution overload, I just shift over here and, oh, hello, Anne Boleyn is going down, and then when that gets too depressing, it's right over to calculus.

Lorelai

Saving the party subject for last, huh?

Paris

Unbutton your top.

Lorelai

What?

Paris

Teenage boys are controlled by one thing. Unbutton your top.

Lorelai

No.

Paris

: Well, me doing it isn't going to help any.

Lorelai

Paris, you need to relax. You need to stop worrying. You need to stop obsessing. You need to stop looking at my boobs.

Lorelai

Now no one's around, but the second I run that light, a police car, four helicopters, the Canadian mounties and the crew of Cops jump out of a dumpster and I'm toast.

Rory

Paranoid.

Lorelai

Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they're not out to get you, my friend.