Lorelai Gilmore quotes from Gilmore Girls

Young Lorelai

Okay, this is a big pain and I'd really like it to go away, please.

Just breathe deep, honey.

Young Lorelai

Breathing doesn't help. Can I hit you instead?

What?

Young Lorelai

Or pinch you really hard, 'cause that might make me feel better.

No, you cannot hit me.

Young Lorelai

Can I bite you or pull your hair or use the Epilady on you, 'cause I really need to do something.

Lorelai

[about a package] It’s from my mother.

Rory

What is it?

Lorelai

It’s heavy. Must be her hopes and dreams for me.

Rory

I thought she discarded those years ago.

Lorelai

And the second thing is, you need to tell me why you’re sitting like that.

Maureen told me that Howard Stern said that if you squat, it makes the baby come out faster.

Lorelai

Okay, as long as you have a sane reason from a reliable source.

Rory

Hanging out with Jess for most of the day, studying at night.

Lorelai

Cool. Alex and I are having dinner tomorrow night.

Rory

Good. That’ll make it nice and quiet for when I study.

Lorelai

I’m that loud?

Rory

You are when you dance around singing ‘Rory’s Studying’ songs.

Rory

Okay, what’s the packing crisis?

Lorelai

That’s the thing. I have no packing crisis. For the first time in my life, there is no packing crisis. See? This has never happened to me before. I’m all packed, ready to go, and fully confident that I have everything I’ll need or desire.

Rory

So you’re creating a crisis out of nostalgia?

Rory

We need a signal.

Lorelai

A kissing signal?

Rory

Something to avoid this.

Lorelai

Okay, um, how ‘bout I shoot off a flare when I’m outside necking with a boy?

Rory

You know what I mean.

Lorelai

Or I could bang on the door and yell, "Hey, we’re necking out here!"

Rory

I still say we need a signal.

Lorelai

Okay, for starters, I think you have to realize something – you were really lucky with Dean. He was an exceptional first boyfriend, and you got spoiled. Most of us didn’t have first boyfriends like Dean. Most of us had first boyfriends like Brian Hutchins.

Rory

Brian Hutchins?

Lorelai

Seventh grade, I’m sitting in the library, walks up, asks me to go steady. I say yes. He walks away and I don’t see him again until the tenth grade when he tries to sell me a dimebag at the Sadies Hawkins Day dance. And he was way overcharging for it, too.

Rory

That’s demented.

Lorelai

Well, that’s what most of us had to put up with. Where do you think the Susan Faludi’s of the world came from?

Lorelai

It’ll be fun. There’ll be cheerleaders and clowns, people doing the wave.

Rory

You have no idea what a hockey game is, do you?

Rory

It’s nothing, it’s just Paris. There’s this speech contest for the bicentennial, and I wasn’t even going to enter it, but I don’t know – with the whole ‘it’s my last chance to crush you before graduation’ comment, I want to enter, I want to win, and I wanna dance around her saying ‘I win, I win, I win!’

Lorelai

Wow, you’re getting more and more like me everyday.

Richard

Ah, you’re here.

Lorelai

And you are by far the most masculine-looking maid my parents have ever had.

Richard

It’s chaos here. The second maid called in sick, the first is busy with dinner, and your poor mother is at the hospital. Her DAR group suffered a surfeit of strokes this week.

Lorelai

Come again?

Richard

Three of her friends had strokes. And now she is hopping from sick bed to sick bed offering whatever comfort she can.

Lorelai

Three DAR strokes. What’s in that water they’re drinking?

Richard

Well, a little whiskey, usually. Oh, and you’re forgetting Liesl.

Lorelai

What?

Richard

Our East-German maid. She was much more masculine-looking than me.

Lorelai

Right, the muttonchops.

Lorelai

You’re a hell of a lot more interesting than that usual shot they have of all the white men walking around that big empty chamber with the numbers all over them.

Richard

That’s a televised house vote, and I find that fascinating.

Lorelai

It’s like watching the Men’s Wearhouse security camera.

Luke

Well, he didn't even tell me about it. I got a letter addressed to the family of Jess Mariano inviting me down to some little ceremony they're having.

Lorelai

Are you going?

Luke

Oh, he'd hate it if I was there. You know, seeing him participating in some corporate ceremony like that, being called upstanding and responsible, it would kill him. Yeah, I'm going.

Lorelai

Good boy.

Sookie

Well, ever since I got pregnant, I've become very nurturing toward all living things. Jackson, too.

Lorelai

Well, both your bodies are changing.

Sookie

Yesterday.. .ugh, it was awful. Jackson moved a table and just kind of nicked this spider. He didn't see the little thing, and just clipped one of its legs. And it was having trouble walking and we were so upset, but Jackson made a new leg for it out of a paper clip, but jamming the clip into the spider killed it instantly. Little Satchmo.

Lorelai

You named the spider Satchmo?

Sookie

After Jackson's uncle.

Lorelai

Oh, mime. That reminds me – Yale, best drama school bar none. Put that in the pro column.

Rory

I'm not taking drama.

Lorelai

No, but it means you'll have the best on-campus productions. You'll get to see the next Meryl Streep all goofy and eighteen and doing crap like, "Hey, name an occupation!" "Plumber!" "Name a farm tool now!" "Tractor!" "Hey, I'm a tractor doing. . .plumbing."

Rory

"Where are you going? I told you to take out the garbage!" "Nag, nag, nag. I wanna watch football and sit in my reclining chair." "Get back here or I'm gonna get you. . ." [sees Lorelai] Oh, hey, guys, hold on a second.

No, keep going.

Rory

Oh, calm down there, little scooter. I'll be right back.

Lorelai

Hey Shari Lewis, how's the show going?

Rory

Oh, they're riveted.