Hermes Conrad quotes from Futurama

Hermes

That's it, Fry! For a guy who's not too bright, you're too damn bright!

Farnsworth

Now get out!!! And don't come back until someone finds a use for a million watt idiot!!

Mom, will I ever get to see Dad again?

No, he died yesterday. Rust monsters ate his face. Sweet dreams.

Bender

[whispering] Psst, quit whimpering or ya don't get kidnapped!

Dad!

Fry

My lucky pants!

Hermes

They don't look so lucky to me.

Fry

They are too lucky! I was wearing them when I found a dime in my ear, when I got a free subscription to Redbook, and when I first met Leela.

Leela

Aw! Also, oh, Lord.

Fry

Also, they're my only pants.

Bender

You wore the same pants for a thousand years? No wonder they made a run for it.

Hermes

Film? Who uses film? We've had digital cameras for a thousand years!

Bender

Digital? [spits] No digital camera can capture the warmth and grain o' good, ol' film.

Prof. Farnsworth

How can you even tell? Your eyes are digital cameras.

Bender

It's been quite a journey. I dropped out of school, joined a gang, took money from a loan shark, and fell into a spiral of despair, addiction, and discount prostitution.

Hermes

Mon, you had one hell of a day.

Amy

[upset] Do you think they're...dead?

Hermes

No, no. I choose to believe they're alive in some other dimension. Screamin' in agony. [Amy wipes away a tear.]

Amy

I hope so.

Fry

An-and the robot hands would make you a strawberry shortcake any time of day. Four, seven, any time!

Hermes

No way!

Fry

I'm not lyin'!

Hermes

Five-O! Five-O!

Amy

Five what?

Hermes

Five Omicronians!

Amy

Bender, come join us, we're watching Rear Window!

Bender

I used to stick my rear out the window...

Zoidberg

If you prefer, we could watch Behind the Music.

Bender

My behind used to make music...

Hermes

Backdraft is on.

Bender

Even my ass wouldn't watch that.

Hermes

But what are those aliens tryin' to ask us? What do the tones mean?

Prof. Farnsworth

Isn't it obvious?

Hermes

Uh... No.

Prof. Farnsworth

Drat! I was hoping it was.

Hermes Conrad

Without Fry’s interruptions, efficiency is up thirty-two perc— Mmm!

Philip J. Fry

Well, my butt's numb and my remote hand is dead, but all I have left is the final season of All My Circuits.

Bender

Which final season? They've been cancelled, like, three or four times.

Amy Wong

Pfft, Loserama.

Fry

The final final season, from 10 years ago. I wonder how many episodes were in it?

Bender

Hmm, twelve… No. Thirteen thousand and twenty.

Fry

[gasps] Thirteen thousand and twenty? I’ll never make it! I’m sorry, Leela. I’ll never be able to watch enough TV to make you proud of me. [sobs]

Leela

[sighs] It might actually be possible. But… no.

Fry

What? What is it?

Leela

It’s risky, but we have a technology now that allows you to watch all the episodes in one continuous stretch. We call it… bingeing.

Hermes

How strange. I could have sworn we had an odd number of moons.

Morbo

Aside from devastating tidal waves caused by the two full moons, we also have some very confused werewolves.

Hermes

Now, hold on. Xmas isn't for a week. Until then, we've got non-stop busy work.

Professor Farnsworth

Oh, fuff! Let's stop pretending we do anything around here. Everyone, take the week off and be with your so-called loved ones!

Amy

Really?

Hermes

I forgot I had loved ones!

Leela

It's a Human Resources miracle!

Fry

[to Bender and Zoidberg] Merry Xmas, you guys!

Amy

We didn't know you hadn't been invited anywhere.

Hermes

We came as soon as we realized what losers you are!

Hermes

Hello, madame, is the Voodoo HQ?

You do voodoo?

Hermes

You misconstrue. Who do voodoo at the HQ?

I'll tell you.

Professor Farnsworth

[about Hermes' voodoo vaccine] What bunch of mumbo-gumboǃ Anything I can't understand is fakeǃ [LaBarbara gives him the vaccine; he immediately cheers up] Ah, that's betterǃ Hermes, my friend, I owe you an apology for being so anti-voodoo. It may seem bat-whack crazy to a layman, but I see now that voodoo methods are built on centuries of brilliant scholarship.

Hermes

It's okay, Professor. And it's understandable. After all, any sufficiently advanced magic is indistinguishable from science.