Professor Hubert Farnsworth quotes from Futurama

Hermes

Film? Who uses film? We've had digital cameras for a thousand years!

Bender

Digital? [spits] No digital camera can capture the warmth and grain o' good, ol' film.

Prof. Farnsworth

How can you even tell? Your eyes are digital cameras.

Leela

Zoidberg this makes no sense. Why are you helping him?

Bender

And what's with that catchy beat?

Zoidberg

I'll tell you, 2, 3, 4.

If I sliced up his Cyborg skull

He wants a brain

Zoidberg

He wants a robot brain

Another brain

Zoidberg

Let see if he fells pain

A brand new brain

Zoidberg

It might drive him insane

He wants a brain.

Zoidberg

He wants a robot brain

wa uuuuuuuuuu wa wa uuuuuuuuu wa wa uuuuuuuuuu wa wa uuuuuuuu...

Amy

Does anybody else find it freaky that Zoidberg is singing harmony with himself?

Fry

Oh, loosen up, Amy!

Farnsworth

My condolences, LaBarbara. I hope you find some comfort in staring at this throbbing mass of nerve tissue.

Prof. Farnsworth

For once, I thought it might be nice to do something in a social setting! Finally get to know each other. Why, I don't even know half your names! [Points to Fry.] You, boy! What do they call you?

Fry

Most folks just call me 'Orange Joe'.

Fry

Ahem!

Professor

Whaaa...? Oh yeah, your award show. I'm sorry I couldn't make it, but I had a very good reason!

Fry

Perhaps you'd favor us with it?

Professor

Sure, my pleasure. I came down with a searing case of... who gives a crap?! HAHAHAHA!!

Prof. Farnsworth

My God! He was so saturated with ink that his entire body structure was polarized!

Zoidberg

You mean I'm invisible?

Prof. Farnsworth

No, no, no, not in any sense of the word. But essentially, yes, entirely.

Zoidberg

So what happens to the hero of our story, Zoidberg? Will I be invisible forever?

Prof. Farnsworth

No, only until you take a bath and wash off this invisible ink.

Zoidberg

[sadly] So, forever.

Professor Farnsworth

That's it, you hoodlums! Your mouth just wrote a PayPal transfer request that your butt has insufficient funds to honor!

Yo. It is on! Before that it was off.

Leela

Yum, apples! [She grabs a piece of apple and attempts to eat it.] Hey, how come I can't swallow?

Professor Farnsworth

Hmm, I guess it's because our two-ended digestive system can't exist in this dimension. I suppose that could be an issue. [Leela mumbles and spits the piece of apple out.]

Leela

I knew it! I knew he'd get us killed somehow!

Professor Farnsworth

As you can see, or rather can't see, but take my word for it, such a digestive system would divide a 2D being into separate pieces!

Fry

I did it! I got a great deal on the ship!

Amy

Hooray! I knew you wouldn't let us down in any way.

Prof. Farnsworth

Well, how much did you get?

Fry

Two! Two magic beans!

Prof. Farnsworth

Ooh! You sack of bags of buckets of idiots! There's no such thing as magic beans!

Fry

Oh. "Fry, you big dummy"?

Bender

Very much so.

Hermes

But what are those aliens tryin' to ask us? What do the tones mean?

Prof. Farnsworth

Isn't it obvious?

Hermes

Uh... No.

Prof. Farnsworth

Drat! I was hoping it was.

Hello Planet Express! I'm Dan McMasters, and I'll be your retreat leader for a week of fun and personal empowerment!

Prof. Farnsworth

[annoyed] I hope you're happy!

Fry

I think it's about time we drank the champagne János poured all those years ago. May I read the toast I was going to make?

Leela

Go for it. I'm in no rush, after walking up 240 flights of steps. And across those oceans.

Fry

"To us. If I could make one moment last forever, this is the one I would choose."

Leela

I'm glad you did. It was a good life.

Fry

Kind of lonely, though? Maybe?

Leela

I was never lonely. Not even for a minute.

Fry

I guess we'll never figure out what that glimmer is.

Leela

Nope. Pretty, though.

Fry

Hey, hey, wait it's doing something!

Leela

I'll protect you. [she tries to whack it with her stick, but she falls over] Hi yow!

Leela

Professor?! You're alive?!

Prof. Farnsworth

Yes, it's me. Boy, did somebody hit you two with an old-and-ugly-stick.

Leela

I thought I killed you with the Time Button.

Prof. Farnsworth

I thought so, too, at first. But it seems I was simply rotated into an orthogonal time that runs at right angles to this one. I've been tunneling for decades, searching every instant from yesterday to tomorrow.

Fry

We've been right now the whole time.

Prof. Farnsworth

I wasn't looking for you, I was looking for the Time Button. [Fry shows the Professor a plastic bag with the Time Button's pieces] Oh!

Fry

I landed on it and time froze. I tried to fix it once, but then I got mad and hit it some more. I guess it's good we didn't have children. [Leela nods]

Prof. Farnsworth

[Snatches the pieces out of Fry's hand] Oh, give me that, you senile old idiot! Oh, let me see that goes there lefty loosey, righty tighty, and fixed!

Fry

What?! I could've fixed it that easily?

Prof. Farnsworth

You? [laughs maniacally] Okay. I've modded the device to release a single huge antichroniton blast. It should rip us out of stasis back to the instant before I conceived of the Time Button.

Fry

You mean we'll all get to live our lives over again?

Prof. Farnsworth

Oh, my, yes. Even that nasty robot, what's-his-name. Of course, we won't remember anything that's happened.

Fry

[to Leela] What do you say? Want to go around again?

Leela

[taking his hand] I do.

Professor Farnsworth, I'm dying to know how you got here. Was it a time machine?

Professor Farnsworth

Little girl, time machines are physical impossibilities. We teleported from a singularity that I quantum-entangled to Bender under the guise of fixing his collar.

Yes, but how did Bender get here?

Professor Farnsworth

With a time machine.

But you just said that—

Professor Farnsworth

Sample's ready!

All we have to do is dig up the time capsule!

Leela

And bury Bart in the hole!

I thought people in the future would be more full of peace and love. Like in Epcot Center.

Leela

In our time, Epcot Center is a work farm for the weak.

Professor Farnsworth

Oh, but it's not as crowded as the slave-labor camps at Universal Studios.

Fry, don't be the idiot you are. Before you go jabbing into your visual cortex, I implore you to…

Fry

Ow! My cortex!