Bender quotes from Futurama

Hey!

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[Bender is disguised as a sexy nurse, talking to a chat room participant.]

Bender

Hi, I'm a naughty nurse, and I really need someone to talk to. $9.95 a minute.

CRChat room participant

Oh, you're a dollar naughtier than most.

[He hands Bender the money.]

Bender

So, how 'bout them Knicks?

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Well, thanks to the Internet, I'm now bored with sex. Is there a place on the web that panders to my lust for violence?

Bender

[sarcastically] Is the Space Pope reptilian?

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AAlcazar

Well, this is the real me. But I can explain: We all have needs. Mine was to make it with five weirdos and have them scrub my five castles. I gave you all what you wanted and of course I made a few bucks letting Pig watch through the two-way mirror. Can any of you say you wouldn't have done the exact same thing in my position?

Bender

He's a saint!

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Come on, Leela! Step your big boot down on the gas pedal.

[She does. Cut to Near-Death Star Landing Pad, the ship takes off and the landing gear goes up. The guest drop off door opens and three guardbots fly out. Guardbot #1 shoots at the ship and two laser bolts hit the engine, causing it to shut down. The ship falls onto the landing pad and the guardbots' hover-ships buzz around it. Cut to Ships Cockpit, an alarm beeps and a red lights flashes]

They've blown out one of our engines!

[fast] Fix it, fix it, fix it, fix it, fix it, fix it! Fix it, fix it, fix it!

Only the Professor knows how to fix it. We have to wake him up.

[She grabs Farnsworth's night shirt and shakes him around. Fry blasts him with an air horn and Bender empties a chest cabinet full of water over him]

Try shocking him!

Bender

Your social security cheque is late! Stuff costs more than it used to! Young people use curse words!

Damn it, we'll have to fix the engine ourself.

We can't, you bastard! No one knows how it works. It's impossible!

[Cubert comes around and puts his hand in the air]

Cubert

Nothing is impossible. I understand how the engines work now. It came to me in a dream. [He lifts an access hatch and starts fiddling with some wires under the floor] The engines don't move the ship at all. The ship stays where it is, and the engines move the universe around it.

Bender

That's a complete load!

Cubert

Nothing's a complete load! Not if you can imagine it. That's what being a scientist is all about. Right, Professor? [Farnsworth mumbles. Cubert closes the access panel] Let's ride!

S2 A Clone of My Own

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[Hermes is threatening to jump off the Planet Express building.]

PEPlanet Express Crew

No! Don't jump!

Bender

Do a flip!

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Don't, Hermes! You have so much to live for!

Bender

I get it: reverse psychology.

Professor Farnsworth

Please, old friend, don't jump. Use another method that won't damage your liver. Other people need it, you know!

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I'm having a poker game tonight with some of my old cryogenics lab coworkers. Would any of you like to join?

Bender

I don't know. I only gamble with chumps.

I'll play.

Bender

I'm in!

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Bender

Morgan made me walk the Professor. There we were in the park when suddenly some old lady says I stole her purse. I chucked the Professor at her but she kept coming, so I had to hit her with this purse I found. The point is, it's Morgan's fault; that pencil-pushing scazwag! Why, if she were here, I'd...uh-oh. Is she behind me?

Morgan Proctor

No. I'm in front of you. [Bender shrieks]

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[Spoken] Requisition me a beat!

[Number 1.0 plays some music]

[Singing]

When I was four there was a hurricane in Kingston Town,

With a foot and a half of water,

Everyone was alright but I cried all night,

It blew my alphabet blocks out of order,

And they said, "This boy's born to be a bureaucrat,

Born to be all obsessive and snotty,"

I made my friends and relations file long applications,

To get into my 10th birthday party.

LaBarbara

But something changed when my man turned pro.

I was sortin' but I wasn't smilin'.

LaBarbara

He forgot that it's not about badges and ranks.

It's supposed to be about the filing! People!

We didn't choose to be bureaucrats,

No, that's what almighty Jah made us,

We treat people like swine,

And make 'em stand in line,

Even if nobody paid us!

They say the world looks down on the bureaucrats,

They say we're anal, compulsive and weird,

But when push comes to shove,

You gotta do what you love,

Even if it's not a good idea.

Zoidberg!

Zoidberg

They said I probably shouldn't be a surgeon.

Farnsworth

They pooh-poohed my electric frankfurter.

They said I probably shouldn't fly with just one eye. [A tube hits her in the eye.]

Bender

I am Bender. Please insert girder.

Everybody sing Jamaica! [He limbos under the flying tubes]

AAll

Jamaica!

Just the bureaucrats, Jamaica!

BBureaucrats

Jamaica!

The grade 19's!

Morgan Proctor

Jamaica.

[Hermes starts a conga line with the bureaucrats]

Sing me home!

When push comes to shove,

You gotta do what you love,

Even if it's not a good idea!

[He picks up a red tube, takes Bender's disk out of it and throws it into Bender's head. Bender's personality resurfaces]

Bender

I'm Bender, baby! Please insert liquor!

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Bender

Hey, Fry, check out my laser-guided fishing rod.

Quiet, Bender. You're scaring away the fish!

Bender

Fine, I'll head over to the other side.

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Prof. Farnsworth

Ah the exact center of the Atlantic Ocean, this seems the logical place for fish to congregate.

Bender

So we're in international waters?

Prof. Farnsworth

Indeed so.

Bender

[on walkie-talkie] Falcon this is Blue Raven, the goose has nested, repeat, the goose has nested.

[A speed boat pulls up and the driver and Bender exchange briefcases. Then the boat drives away.]

Bender

Hey, guess what you're accessories to.

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[Whilst underwater]

Zoidberg

Nooo! My home, it burnt down! How did this happen?

That's a very good question...

Bender

Ah, so that's where I left my cigar!

...That just raises further questions!!

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[Bender and Fry talk about the size of a fish they used to caught]

You're both out of your league, boys. Because right now, you're looking at a girl who owns her own harpoon.

Bender

Harpoon my ass. [snickers]

Okay. [Throws harpoon into Bender's rear end]