Phoebe Buffay quotes from Friends

Monica

I got offered the head chef job at Allessandro's.

Phoebe

What?

Monica

It's OK, 'cause you know what, if you think about it you don't really need me for the business.

Phoebe

You're the cook! Without you it's just me driving up to people's houses with empty trays and asking for money!

Phoebe

You know I'll be giving them the greatest gift ever.

Chandler

You're going to carry their baby and buy them a Sony PlayStation?

Phoebe

Oh!

Monica

What?

Phoebe

It kicked! I think the baby kicked!

Monica

Oh, my...!

Phoebe

Oh, no, wait. Oh, no, the elastic on my underwear busted.

Joey

Feel better now?

Phoebe

Yeah, but at what cost? Six more months, three meals a day. I'm going to eat, like you know, millions of cows.

Joey

Hey, what if I said I could even things out for you, meatwise?

Phoebe

What?

Joey

Well, I eat a lot of meat, right?

Phoebe

Yeah.

Joey

But suppose until the baby's born, I laid off it? No extra animals would die, you'd just be eating my animals.

Phoebe

Joey, I can't believe you would do that for me.

Joey

Absolutely! I could be a vegetarian! There's no meat in beer, right?

I wanna name the girl baby Leslie, and Frank wants to name one of the boy babies Frank Junior Jr.

Chandler

Wouldn't that be Frank the Third?

Don't get me started. Anyway, um, since there are three babies and, um, we both got to put our names in, we would be truly honored if you would name the other boy baby.

Phoebe

Wow! That's so great! Oh! Oh! Cougar!

You think about it.

Monica

This isn't even my dress.

Phoebe

Well at least you didn't rent yours from a store called "It's Not Too Late"!

Phoebe

[on the phone long distance with Joey] I just saw somebody that looked like you in the station. I was going to go up to him to tell him. But what does he care he looks like you.

Joey

Thanks Pheebs, that just cost me four bucks.

Joey

All right, I'm gonna go say "hi" to the chick and the duck.

Phoebe

Oh, me too!

Joey

Why would you need to say "hi" to them? You've been feeding them for four days!

Phoebe

Oh... right. Maybe I'll just go home.

Rachel

Phoebe, you were right. I should've never gone to London, and from now on you make all of my decisions for me.

Phoebe

Oh, no. I did that for someone once. I'm not comfortable having that kind of power and control over someone's life.

Monica

I'll do it!

Chandler

So, uh, now that little Chandler turned out to be a girl, what are they gonna name her?

Phoebe

They're gonna call her Chandler.

Chandler

That's kind of a masculine name, don't you think?

Phoebe

Works on you.

[pointing at Joey and Ross] Now, which one of you is the father?

Phoebe

Oh no, neither of them are the father. The father is my brother.

Okaaay.

Rachel

I am so gonna miss seeing you freak people out like that.

Phoebe

I just found a selfless good deed; I went to the park and let a bee sting me.

Joey

How is that a good deed?

Phoebe

Because now the bee gets to look tough in front of his bee friends. The bee is happy and I am not.

Joey

Now you know the bee probably died when he stung you?

Phoebe

Dammit!

Phoebe

Can you hear anything?

Chandler

Oh, yeah, someone just said, "Can you hear anything?"

Monica

Hey, Joey's ass. What are you doing?

Joey

[About Ross and Rachel] Well, remember when they had that big fight and broke up, and we got stuck in here with no food or anything? Well, when Ross said "Rachel" at the wedding, I figured it was gonna happen again, you know? So I hid this in here.

Monica

Ooh! Candy bars, crossword puzzles...

Phoebe

Ooh, Mad Libs! MINE!

Chandler

Condoms?

Joey

Hey, you don't know how long we're gonna be in here. We may have to repopulate the Earth!

Chandler

And condoms are the way to do that?

Ross

Someone at work ate my sandwich!

Chandler

Well, what did the police say?

Ross

My Thanksgiving leftover sandwich! I can't believe someone ate it!

Chandler

It's just a sandwich!

Ross

Just a sandwich? I'm 30 years old, I'm going to be divorced twice and I just got evicted! That sandwich was the only good thing going on in my life! SOMEONE ATE THE ONLY GOOD THING GOING ON IN MY LIFE! [pauses]

Monica

I have enough stuff for one more sandwich. I was going to eat it myself, but...

Ross

That would be incredible! Thank you so much! I still can't believe someone ate it!! I left a note!

Chandler

[reading the note] "Knock-knock." "Who's there?" "Ross Geller's lunch." "'Ross Geller's lunch' who?" "Ross Geller's lunch; please don't take me, ok?"

Joey

I'm surprised you didn't go home wearing your lunch!

Phoebe

You want to hold on to your food, you have to scare people off. I learned that living on the street.

Ross

Really? So what would you say? 'Keep your mitts off my grub'?

Chandler

Ross, when you picture Phoebe living on the street, is she surrounded by the entire cast of Annie?

Phoebe

[writing a note] This will keep them away from your stuff!

Monica

Phoebe, you are a bad-ass!

Phoebe

Someday I'll tell you about the time I stabbed a cop!

Monica

Phoebe!

Phoebe

HE STABBED ME FIRST!!

Ross

No divorces in '99! [blows a party horn]

Rachel

But your divorce hasn't been finalized yet.

Ross

Just the one divorce in '99! [blows the party horn again] You know what, I'm going to be happy this year. I am going to make myself happy.

Chandler

Do you want us to leave the room?

Ross

I am going to do one thing that I have never done before. That, my friends, is my New Year's resolution.

Phoebe

Ohh... that's a good one. Mine is to pilot a commercial jet.

Chandler

That's a good one too, Pheebs. Now all you have to find is a planeload of people whose New Year's resolution is to plummet to their deaths.