Monica Geller quotes from Friends

Chandler

Well, hello!

Joey

Where've you been?

Chandler

The doctor.

Ross

Is everything okay?

Chandler

Oh, yes. Just had me a little nubbin-ectomy. Yep. Two nipples, no waiting.

Monica

Wow. Just like Rachel in high school.

Rachel

What?

Monica

Come on, I was kidding. It was such an obvious joke.

Chandler

That was an obvious joke. And I didn't think of it. Why didn't I think of it? [Points at his chest] The source of all my powers. Oh, dear, what have I done?

Monica

I speak a little French too. Voulez-vous coucher avec moi ce soir?

Monica

What did I say?

You just asked me whether I wanted to go to bed with you tonight!

Joey

It's never taken me a week to get over a relationship.

Monica

It's never taken you more than a shower to get over a relationship.

Phoebe

Chandler, what are you doing?

Monica

Chandler!

Joey

You're smoking again?

Chandler

Well, actually yesterday I was smoking again, today I'm smoking still.

Phoebe

Chandler, what are you doing?

Monica

Chandler!

Chandler

[realizes he's smoking] Oh my God!

Joey

You're smoking again?

Chandler

Well, actually, yesterday I was smoking again. Today, I'm smoking still.

Phoebe

Why would you start again after chewing all that quitting gum?

Chandler

Look, I'm telling you, this is just like my parents' divorce, which is when I first started smoking in the first place.

Monica

Weren't you 9?

Chandler

[with the cigarette sticking out of his mouth] Yeah. I'm telling you something, that first smoke after naptime.

Chandler

Oh, that's great. With my luck, that's gonna be him.

Phoebe

Him? Him, Ross?

Chandler

No, "Hymn" 253: "His eyes are on the Sparrow." When my parents got divorced, I started using humor as a defense mechanism.

Rachel

Hi. Uh, do you guys have plans for the weekend? Because my sister's on hold and she said that we can have her cabin for the weekend, and go skiing. Huh? I'm asking you first, right? I mean, I'm playing by the rules.

Monica

Absolutely.

Phoebe

Yeah.

Joey

Yeah.

Rachel

Chandler! You're smoking? What are you doing?

Chandler

Hey, shut up! You're not my real mom.

Monica

Don't you think he's a little young to get married?

Phoebe

What? He's 18.

Ross

Exactly. It'll be illegal for him to drink at his own bachelor party.

Joey

Yeah, or -- or to get a hooker.

Chandler

Always illegal, Joe.

Ross

You know, I didn't wear this suit for a year because you hated it. Well guess what, you're not my girlfriend any more, so...

Rachel

Oh I see, so this suit is making a point. Now that you're on your own, you're free to look as stupid as you'd like.

Ross

[to Monica] You like it, right?

Monica

Absolutely. I like it even more on you than I did on Colonel Sanders.

Monica

I gotta go water Pete's plants. You know what? If he's gonna break up with me, maybe I won't water his plants.

Chandler

Well, if he's gonna break up with you, maybe Joey and I should water his plants, if you know what I mean.

Joey

Or -- ha, ha! -- we could go over there and pee on them!

Ross

And for the record, it took two people to break this relationship!

Rachel

Yeah! You and that girl from the copy place, which yesterday you took full responsibility for!

Ross

I didn't know what I was taking responsibility for! I didn't finish the letter!

Rachel

What?

Ross

I fell asleep!

Rachel

You fell a-SLEEP?!

Ross

It was five-thirty in the morning! And you had rambled on for eighteen pages! Front and back! [leaves the room, then turns around] And by the way, y-o-u-apostrophe-r-e is "you are". Y-o-u-r is "your"!

Rachel

I can't believe I even thought of getting back together with you! We are soooo over!

Ross

[fakes beginning of sniveling and interrupts it saying...] FINE BY ME!

Rachel

And those little spelling tips will come in handy when you're home on Saturday nights playing scrabble with Monica!

Monica

Hey!

Rachel

Sorry! But I feel bad about all that sleep you'll miss wishing you were with me!

Ross

Oh, no, don't worry about me "falling asleep." I still have your letter! [walks out]

Rachel

And, hey, just so you know -- it's not that common, it doesn't happen to every guy, and it is a big deal! [slams door, revealing Chandler behind it]

Chandler

I knew it!

Joey

Monica got stung by a jellyfish.

Monica

Alright, alright. I got stung. I got stung bad. I couldn't stand. I couldn't walk.

Chandler

We were two miles from the house. We were scared and alone. We didn't think we could make it.

Monica

I was in too much pain.

Joey

And I was tired from digging a huge hole!

Chandler

And then Joey remembered something...

Joey

I'd seen this thing on The Discovery Channel.

Ross

Wait a minute, I saw that, on The Discovery Channel. About jellyfish, and how if you... Eww! You peed on yourself?

Eww!

Monica

You can't say that! You don't know! I thought I was going to pass out from the pain. Anyway, I tried, but I couldn't...bend that way. So...

[turning to the guys] Eww!

Joey

Yeah that's right. I stepped up! She's my friend and she needed help. And if I have to I'd pee on any one of you. Only, I couldn't... I got the stage fright. I wanted to help, but there was just too much pressure. So, so I turned to Chandler.

Chandler

[moans] Joey kept screaming at me. Do it now, do it, do it, do it, do it now! Sometimes late at night I can still hear the screaming.

Joey

[chuckles] That's cause sometimes I scream it through my wall just to freak you out.

Rachel

Maybe there's someone you can talk to.

Monica

Yeah like who? There's no group for people like us.

Monica

What happened?

Chandler

Well, let's see, Joey was born, and then 28 years later, I was robbed.

Judy Geller

Well... everyone seems to like your dish.

Monica

And you?

Judy Geller

I thought it was... quite tasty.

Monica

So if everyone liked it, and you liked it, that would make this a success, which would make you...

Judy Geller

A bitch?

Monica

Well, I was going for "wrong", but we can use your word.

Rachel

You know what else is really great about him? Oh, what is the word for an adult who doesn't have dinosaur toys in their bedroom?

Ross

Oh... [knocks his fists together at Rachel]

Rachel

What was that?

Ross

Monica knows.

Monica

It's this dumb thing that Ross made up just to try to fool our parents. It's a way of giving the finger without actually having to give it. [to Ross] I remember I cried the night you made that up. It was the first time I realized I was cooler than my big brother.

Ross

Well, I'm gonna go get ready... [knocks his fists at Monica]

Monica

How cute is the on-call doctor?

Rachel

So cute I'm thinking of jabbing this pen in my eye.

Phoebe

Yeah, but, Monica -- do you really want to be in a relationship where you can actually use the phrase "That's not how your dad used to do it"?

Monica

[indicating each of the group in succession] Fine! Judge all you want to, but: [to Ross] married a lesbian; [to Rachel] left a man at the altar; [to Phoebe] fell in love with a gay ice dancer; [to Joey] threw a girl's wooden leg in a fire; [to Chandler] living in a box!