Joey Tribbiani quotes from Friends

NO, YOU DIDN'T GET ME!! IT'S AN ELECTRIC DRILL! YOU GET ME, YOU KILL ME!

S3 E5 The One with Frank Jr.

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[Janice asks the six Friends if they have ever had sex with each other.]

Joey

Well, there was that one time that Monica and Rachel got together.

What?

Excuse me, there was no time!

Joey

Okay, but let's say there was. How might that go?

S3 E6 The One with the Flashback

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When you guys were kids, and played, uh, "Happy Days," who were you? I was always Richie.

I was always Joanie!

Joey

Question. Was, uh, "Egg the Gellers!" the war cry of your neighborhood?

S3 E7 The One with the Race Car Bed

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Joey

If the Homo sapiens were, in fact, homo sapiens, is that why they're extinct?

Joey, Homo sapiens are people.

Joey

Hey, hey, I'm not judging!

S3 E8 The One with the Giant Poking Device

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Phoebe

oh my God I killed and this curse is getting stronger too to take a target that big

[The gang is trying to see if Ugly Naked Guy is alive by using a "poking device."]

Phoebe

He's alive! ALIVE!

And yet we're still poking him.

Joey

Retract the device! Retract the device!

He does not look happy.

And now he's showing us his poking device.

Joey

[to Ugly Naked Guy] Hey, that's never gonna reach all the way over here, buddy!

S3 E8 The One with the Giant Poking Device

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[The gang decides to play touch football.]

Joey

All right! We have to pick captains.

And then Tennilles.

S3 E9 The One with the Football

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Hold on a second, Joe. Where do Dutch people come from?

Joey

Ah, well, the, uh, Pennsylvania Dutch come from Pennsylvania.

And the, uh, other Dutch people? They come from somewhere near the Netherlands, right?

Joey

Nice try! See, the Netherlands is this make-believe place where Peter Pan and Tinkerbell come from.

S3 E9 The One with the Football

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Joey

Guess who's in an audition for a Broadway musical.

I want to say you, but that seems like such an easy answer.

Joey

It is me! It's a musical version of "Tale of Two Cities." So I think I'm gonna sing "New York, New York", and uh, oh, "I Left My Heart in San Francisco."

Ah, Joey, I don't think you get to pick the cities.

Joey

What?

Mr. Dickens gets to pick 'em.

Joey

Who?

I'll get you the Cliff Notes.

Joey

The what?

The abridgment.

Joey

Oh, okay. [To Ross] The what?

S3 E12 The One with All the Jealousy

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[upset because Joey's just ruined the end of The Shining for her, she ruins Little Women for him] All right... Okay. Laurie proposes to Jo and she says no even though she's still in love with him. And then he ends up marrying Amy.

Joey

Hey! Mine was by accident! All right. The boiler explodes and destroys the hotel and kills the dad.

Beth dies.

Joey

[completely horrified] Beth... Beth dies? [to Chandler] If I keep reading is Beth gonna die?

No, Beth doesn't die. She doesn't die, does she, Rachel?

What?

Joey is asking if you've just ruined the first book he's ever loved that didn't star Jack Nicholson.

S3 E13 The One Where Monica & Richard Are Friends

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Well, hello!

Joey

Where've you been?

The doctor.

Is everything okay?

Oh, yes. Just had me a little nubbin-ectomy. Yep. Two nipples, no waiting.

Wow. Just like Rachel in high school.

What?

Come on, I was kidding. It was such an obvious joke.

That was an obvious joke. And I didn't think of it. Why didn't I think of it? [Points at his chest] The source of all my powers. Oh, dear, what have I done?

S3 E14 The One with Phoebe's Ex-Partner

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Joey

Do you think I need a new walk?

What?

Joey

Well, I've been walking the same way since high school. You know how some people walk in a room and everybody takes notice? I think I need a "take-notice" walk!

Are you actually saying these words?

S3 E16 The One with the Morning After

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Joey

It's never taken me a week to get over a relationship.